The Pass

Au Revoir Again

2008-06-30T16:38:00.002+08:00

A year-long hiatus. A long year of pain. I've experienced so much in my final year in NTU... sometimes it seems too much. Don't know when I'll be writing again... but heck, here goes....

The past 12 months hasn't been all bad things. The good things, in chronological order,

converting pain into energy to manage third position in Street Challenge street soccer competition
converting pain into energy to do well in Yr 4 Sem 1
converting pain into energy to achieve semi-final berth in Inter-Hall soccer
achieving a gd FYP grade
completing my B. Eng. with honours

I must say though that crashing out against Hall 6 again (this time in semi-finals) 0-2 earlier in January was disappointing. Those who were schooling with me must have noted my absence from lessons, preferring to while my time away, playing Dota and with the cats... Crashing out against Hall 6 2 yrs in a row is bad enough, but this time round it had more significance to me as I wanted to match the success of the basketball girls' team - which went on to become champions..

A year ago, the newborn group of friends that I was in, full of novelty, laughter, care and the sorts, was a group which I though would be together for a long time to come. Never did I thought but a friend's favourite quote "people always leave" seem to hold so true now. Things that happened in the past 4 days have been the final straw on the camel's back.

The group can carry on having fun or stabbing each others' backs (whichever they choose). But now that will have to do that without me. I think I have had enough. Everything is so superficial now with the group - when we meet, we laugh and look like best of friends. When we are alone we form small cliques and stab each other, then we meet to laugh again.

Some are just out to hurt - whether they are so smart to do it purposefully, or they are too dumb to never realise they actually did. In anycase, I am walking away.

Goodbye and till we meet again. Not.

Au Revoir

2007-08-05T15:18:00.000+08:00

After 3 long years, I think it is a good time now to stop writing. Haven't had much motivation and besides some things are better left saying "live" than just writing it down on the aftermath.

I am more focused than ever in football now that I have decided to return to training with the IVP team. I have also committed myself to another season with FECA, Chong Yeow's team. Hopefully I improve further and enjoy the remaining years of my footballing experience.

The final year is coming up too. Will be busy studying hard and also working on my FYP.

A hall room has yet to be allocated to me. My friends are pretty confident I will get one, but I'm not so sure - just being prepared for the worst. There are a few things that I cannot leave behind - the friends, the football, the gaming, the chats, the drinking, but something else will play a little more in my mind that the rest of the other things...

I know I do reflect a little too much. Maybe leaving this space empty from now will help me more because by reflecting and failing to take action, certain things do get out of hand. Also I have new focuses in my life now - I want to do the best at whatever I'm doing.

In any case, this place wouldn't be closed down or whatsoever - I still like to read through my entries from time to time. Just to reminisce a little.

So guys, goodbye for now.

The Timelines Can Split Now

2007-07-10T01:05:00.000+08:00

I so feel like cycling now.

Just caught Die Hard 4.0 with the rest. I fell asleep in the cinema. It's not the show - maybe i'm just tired. I think the non-stop jibes has gotten me tired. Sure if the stories are real, I don't mind being the brunt of some laughter. But this is one story that is probably made up. It might have got me thinking, but then again what could be real might just disappear into thin air with all the talking.

The night air is cold though - perhaps reflecting my mood.

One recent event has got me thinking - that whilst I enjoy being with this group, maybe I don't really belong. Such a simple piece of information and no one told me. Probably the last to know, but it made me say things that made me feel like an idiot. Not the first time though. I probably am an idiot.

I probably am just passing by.

Dead Leg

2007-06-28T17:54:00.000+08:00

17th June Sunday - Suffered knock on my calf during the final few minutes of the FECA match. Damn pain. Difficulty walking that night.

18th June Monday - Woke up early feeling sore. Met the fellas at Sentosa. Played ultimate frisbee, captain's ball, beach football. No rest.

22nd June Friday - Went for a 5km run with brother at 0030 hrs. Still feeling sore. Completed run strongly. Tried to stretch the sore calf.

22nd June Friday - Went back to NTU for football with the guys. At one point, tried to accelerated but sharp pain in calf disallowed this movement.

25th June Mondey - Back at Sentosa again. Played ultimate frisbee, captain's ball and touch rugby. The calf muscle feels very damaged. At one point tried to jump to catch frisbee. Sharp pain.

28th June Thursday - Soreness is still there. Restricted range of motion. Tender upon touch. Pain extend to lower calf (gastrocnemius to soleus). Noticed a slight swell. Deep tissue knots. Scarred tissue.

Damn pain lah. The reconstruction of the muscle must be hindered due to the amount of activity following the injury. Any toe-off is painful now. What I fear most is that it may lead to a complication whereby the muscle reconstructs around the bone. This will cause performance problems in the future.

But now, my mind is on IPPT. And most probably the stations that I'm going to suffer in will be the broad jump and shuttle run where explosive power is required. Hopefully the tissue heals faster and by next week I can start getting some training. Also, need to apply deep muscle massage to get rid of the scarred tissue.

This is the worst dead leg ever suffered.

I Know Now..

2007-06-26T01:50:00.000+08:00

That what it means to be in some situations where the stars are there for me to see but are not for me to keep.

I'm happy now as I have been clueless before. Relieved that the burden is gone.

I only happened to be there - wrong place right time - as someone who could listen. As a friend that can be relied upon to deliver expectations. As a friend who could help one out during tough times.

Maybe, as a friend I can ask too much from others and I know that. But the conclusion?

Sometimes, the stars are there for me to see but are not for me to keep, simply because it applies to everyone else...

Robin's Select

2007-06-20T14:42:00.000+08:00

Finally I have decided on my world's starting eleven. I have watched and admired many players since I started watching football and these eleven are the best in the history (from the time I started watching) of world football. These is, of course, room for debate over the selection of certain players but as this post is titled, "Robin's Select", speaks for itself - my dream team of the world. Noticeable exclusions include the greatest stars before my time such as Pele, Maradona, Cryuff, Best and many more, but the eleven mentioned will no doubt trigger some nostalgia and images of them in full flight - certainly the best.

Formation chosen is the 3-4-3. Reason not only due to the fact that there aren't many really outstanding defenders in my time, but also due to the fact that everybody loves an attacking team. So here goes. (Clubs stated reflects the era in which the players provide their most inspired performances)

Goalkeeper - Peter Schmeichel (Denmark/Manchester United)
This man is seemingly impossible to beat in a one-on-one situation. He opens his arms wide, palms large like that of a gorilla's and most strikers would find it hard to see the goal. His size masks his agility. And I cannot count the number of "double saves" he has made whilst playing for Manchester United. I also like the way he commands the defence - a very vital quality in a top class keeper. And because of these reasons, he beats other honourable mentions such as Gianluigi Buffon, Petr Cech and Iker Casillas to the "No. 1" jersey.

Leftback - Paolo Maldini (Italy/ AC Milan)
A legendary leftback. Whilst recent times remind us of his lack of pace. This rightfooted leftback used to tear down the left side of the field and score some amazing goals. However, it is his ability to win the ball back for the team while executing the sliding tackle is attribute that caught my eye. His technique in the sliding tackle is superb. Most times, defenders tackle their opponents to put the ball out of play, but Maldini slides in to win the ball back, keeping the ball at his feet. Coupled with his longevity in the game, nobody else comes close. Not even Roberto Carlos.

Centreback - Alessandro Nesta (Italy/ AC Milan)
This classy defender is fast and reads the game well. Probably the most likely player to lose his spot in this team as there are many defenders able to do what he does. However, as an Italian Catenaccio admirer, I tend to favour Italian defenders. Keeps things simple and is not prone to high profile mistakes. Tackles well too. And very mobile. Honourable mentions include Marcel Desailly, Fernando Hierro.

Rightback - Fabio Cannavaro (Italy/ Juventus)
Not one to be remembered for his club career but he is still a World Cup winning captain. No nonsense defender. Great concentration. Small but fast. Tends to be a little risky with his rough challenges. But nontheless a great defender for his size. Close rivals for this spot include Gianluca Zambrotta and Lilian Thuram.

Defensive Midfielder - Roy Keane (Ireland/ Manchester United)
One of the last few tough defensive midfielders. Does the simple things well. Disrupts the opponents' attacks. In his prime, he is the driving force of the team. Constantly urging and fighting, he never gives up. Recent times have brought the emergence of the flair-type defensive midfielders such as Andrea Pirlo and Xabi Alonso. However, I favour the ability to win the ball and disrupt play in defensive midfielders. Coupled with Roy Keane's box to box engine, this World XI is a Rolls-Royce in motion.

Left Winger - Ryan Giggs (Wales/ Manchester United)
In his prime, Giggs blazes past defenders. Possesses a keen eye for the final pass. Best known to run with the ball at a speed faster than just about any defender. His crossing ability remains a doubt but his improvisation remains a very underrated ability. Scores wonder goals. My favourite winger of all time.

Centre Midfielder - Zinedine Zidane (France/ Real Madrid)
If Pele is the best player in history and Diego Maradona is second, Zidane is third. The first player to make it to this list. Amazing control. Superb technique. Great passing ability. Zidane remains the player I would continue to search on Youtube for his fluid movement. He is like water controlling the ball - sure, strong and sublime. A World Cup winner. A Champions League winner several times. Scored an unforgettable volley against Bayer Leverkusen in 1 particular CL final - technique at its best.

Right Winger - Ronaldinho (Brazil/ Barcelona)
The clown on the field. Treats tricks for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Frustrates the hell out of defenders. Explosive. Superb control. Does the most difficult with remarkable ease. Not an out-and-out right midfielder but his control and awareness is an asset that can allow him to play anywhere in the final third of the field. Very direct and chooses the shortest path to goal. Simply selected due to his ability to carve something out of nothing. Beats David Beckham and Luis Figo for his spot in the team.

Attacking Midfielder - Kaka (Brazil/ AC Milan)
A debatable selection considering his relatively young career. Very fast. Very dangerous from long range. Keen eye for the final pass. His most underrated asset is to tire out the opponents' defence with his off the ball running. His fantastic movement and decoy runs make him extremely difficult to track and also opens up the defence for his teammates to exploit. A world-beater sooner than later.

Forward - Thierry Henry (France/ Arsenal)
Another player with amazing pace and movement. Makes scoring simple goals look simpler than ever. A player I like due to his movement and willingness to play the short pass instead of the long one. A debatable selection too as this team needs a more direct striker that can stick the ball into the net. He beats Ruud van Nistelrooy and Andriy Shevchenko because of his superior movement.

Forward - Ronaldo (Brazil/ Barcelona)
El Phenomenon. Ronaldo remains the most enigmatic player of modern football. His finishing is undoubtedly the best in the business. Yet, to some extent, he has failed to live up to his enormous potential. In his prime, nothing stops him except a goal - one of the few players capable of picking up the loose ball in midfield and going on a explosive burst all the way to score. Ronaldo at his best is just scary.

I know there are other players such as Francesco Totti, Steven Gerrard, Roberto Baggio, Gianfranco Zola, Rivaldo, Gabriel Batistuta and Alan Shearer that deserve some mentioning. Drop me their names and reasons in my tagboard and help me reminisce these great footballers' best performances.

That's all for now. Presenting to you again... Robin's Select.

Updates and Results

2007-06-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

Results are out, the 2 C+'s stuck out like a couple of sore thumbs. Other than that, I did pretty much as expected for the other papers. I got asked about my "re" again just now. I think he is probably being concerned about whether I'm going to achieve my second upper. I am probably not, but that's not the end of course. There are more things than just the results, although a second upper would look really nice.

Will still be looking forward to working hard too. Sure mathematically the upper is a distant target already, but hopefully working hard sets the tone for how I want to treat my future career and life. True sometimes, the work I do go unrecognised. Sometimes, I find myself feeling low and demoralised when others do better. But unlike the time during JC, I will not give up that easily now. I should target an A for FYP - which would show that I will be able to cope with projects and constant work. Should also target around 2 to 3 As for final year too - as how CCY fared during his.

Aloy returned from Europe and we gathered at his place for a meet up. Nice to see everyone still. I never know as maybe the chances of meeting this group of friends will be low in the near future as my place is hall is still not confirmed. Which is a very sad thing, considering I have already spent 3 quarters of my undergraduate years having a certain level of freedom as well as being able to play in a team. But what is most important is being able to walk into any neighbour's room and being welcomed for a little chat/joke or simply just playing with mao mao...

Just played a tough game against the team that we won 4-0 against the last time round. That time, I was my team's MOM. But today, I kind of lost the plot and failed to read the game as expected. FECA rode their luck after going ahead twice in the first half only for the opponents to equalise twice. But after we secured our third goal, we set up a very defiant defence against them and eventually saw out the game winning 3-2.

Wasn't really playing at my best. The opponents closed me down too quickly, and I had no time to pass the ball around. Also physically, I was unable to match the big man from the west. But for the first time, I felt the team fought for each other to make sure we secure this vital win. Well done again FECA.

Damn I'm already missing hall...

No no... not hall... hall life...

Summary 06-07

2007-05-15T00:14:00.000+08:00

To sum up the past semester, it sucks. The IA results did not come as expected and my second upper honours disappeared in a poof. It took about a quarter of the fight out of me to face the exams not to mention certain projects took nearly half of the fight from me. So when I was suddenly thrown into the midst of the examinations, I was left with a quarter of myself to tackle it.

Yet, I know all the above is just an excuse for the possible poor showing of results this semester, especially with regard to project work. Perhaps it is that indignant mindset, the fact that I cannot live having to do so much for others and yet seeing other reap the rewards from the efforts that I have put in. What is over is over though, just hope I do not have to regret that I spent to much time dwelling on that fact when my results are finally revealed. Thinking back, I really should have moved on faster and get on with facing the papers then.

So I am left hopefully with a second lower to fight for provided I do not accumulate any more "retakes" in my final year.

In a blink of an eye, Year 3 is over. And whilst I'm glad to witness Manchester United coming in first, catching many inspired matches with my cousins, in an exciting EPL season, 06-07 hasn't been all that lucky. On hindsight of recent events, the incident during CNY seems to tell of a bad omen. Even the holidays seem more of a bore and less satisfactory than ever especially knowing that maybe the work put in over the semester don't justify a holiday.

I need some aim this holiday. Waking up everyday only to have to wait for the next football game really sucks...

Goodbye And Forever Love...

2007-05-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

For now I will try to live for you and for me...
I will try to live with love...
With dreams...
And forever... with tears...
____________________________________________________

It has been slightly more than a week since the passing of my grandmother. I thought I'd never be able to get down to writing an entry dedicated to the strongest ever lady to mould the person that I have become, because I know that when I try to, I will breakdown into an inconsolable heap. Yet, now I sit here and I am able to type an entry feeling much more stable, albeit with a tinge of pity and regret.

Like I have mentioned in one of my previous entries, I will always be thankful for the fighting spirit of my grandmother and the strong sense of morality of my grandfather. I think these two personality attributes are the important factors to being a successful and true/real person. The term successful need not be further explained - everyone is moving in the direction of success, but in doing so, have they forgotten about "true"?

By being true, I do not mean being nice to the people around - it is that and more. It is about being a real person by speaking up about what is wrong, edifying the correct values/mentality/behavior and then have the conscience to tell oneself - "I live by what I teach".

In times of poverty, anyone can move in any direction. Some become petty things - calculative, sneering, and particular. They are proud and boastful about little successful things and keeps other not-so-nice things away from the scutiny of others. Some become criminals, theives, robbers, murderers... Some become bullies, looking down on others distastefully... Some become fighters and I am lucky I have fighters in my grandparents, uncles and Dad... From a sole bulb on wires, to chandeliers but they have never forgotten poverty.

I was attached to my grandmother. Walking the market at Boon Keng together, breakfasts on Sundays, buying milo and biscuits from the corner shop at Boon Keng, cycling around under her watchful eye, delicious soup, Yakult, sitting in Dad's car together with her, laughing at our inability to understand what each other's laughter is about... The impending arrival of the Mid-Autumn Festival would mean a new lantern for every grandchild of hers.

These memories kept replaying during the period of my examinations and throughout the tough period, it kept dawning upon me that every damn thing about being successful becomes trivial when compared to the importance of family love. Alas, even though I told myself to personally inform my grandparents everytime that I will be "going away" for exams for 1 month or so, I never did and that has become a big regret for I know that they always ask about how I am doing during a period of absence.

I believe everyone would have reflected on how they could have done better in certain areas to make grandma a little happier in her final years. Maybe we could have allowed her to enjoy the food she likes to eat a little more even though they were bad for health. Maybe we could have spent a little more time together. Maybe...

To my Dad and I, to know that her wish to return to China once more to visit her relatives before Chinese New Year this year is already heartwarming enough considering that she managed to do so even after previous medical incidences. Reading about her final moments - about tears at the corner of the eye - is still heartwrenching though as there is probably one particular unresolved issue. However, the timing of her passing is almost impeccable - lightening the load of my grandfather, after visiting her hometown again, knowing that her beloved daughter is doing well, knowing that her sons have all grown up, knowing that future generations do not have to suffer from being poor.

We all want to repay our grandparents'/parents' love. Sure, the demise of a loved senior is the most painful thing ever but in my opinion, we can never repay our seniors in the lifetime we shared together. Rather, I believe in continuity - I believe what our grandparents/parents want is for us to love to our future generations the way that they have loved us and that is more than enough.

Let me move on by bringing this fact with me. Let us not harp on the sadness and pain. Let us experience the life led to the fullest by my grandma... And may she be ever proud of her future descendants who carry the never-say-die spirit that she showed to everyone of us...

Worst Ever Sem

2007-04-22T01:35:00.000+08:00

Besides the fact that studying is not progressing as smoothly, I'm just wondering... Is it a must to live up to expectations of others?

True, sometimes I find it hard to play football along with Aik Leong, Qibin and sometimes Mingwei... It gets really stressful and when touches and passes go astray, I can't help feeling demoralised. But after the game, it is important to have confidence back. And to me, the next oppotunity to play with them again will be another chance to improve.

Yet, sometimes I find myself putting too much pressure on others to play up to standard during games at lower level. Have I become the Aik Leong of lower level football? Is it that hard meeting standards?

It seems though that this post is about football, but there are many other instances in life where one finds it hard to meet the standards of others. My opinion is often that one isn't trying hard enough and up to this stage, hard work takes over talent. Sure talented people get a headstart but it all comes down to whether one is willing to improve. With will and discipline, hard work prevails.

And often, those who are frogs in the well are those who give up and ultimately, they end up achieving nothing at all...

It's The Last Semester For Some

2007-04-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

People like Lianshi, Hongzhao, Kenny, Justin, Weiquan..... I kept thinking how hall will be like without them....

I never gave some thought about how things will change without the final year people from my batch such as Jyen, Shengwei and Junwei. Well, this entry is dedicated to the final years of my batch - all the best and may NOBODY fail!

I know I will probably miss them quite a bit - Jyen's addictive laughter, time spent sharing thoughts with Junwei and disturbing SW... Want to thank them all again for taking care of me all these while especially when I damaged my ankle ligaments badly in Yr 2.

Thanks!

And Counting

2007-03-29T00:15:00.000+08:00

My MSN boasts........
19 so called Buddies
4 people from EID group
12 from the family
19 random friends
87 people from Hall/Ex Hall
13 from the 06/07 Hall Ball Committee
9 Hall Freshies
18 students from MAE
27 PTIs

None whom I can chat with when the going gets tough......

I Really Would Like To...

2007-03-25T15:01:00.000+08:00

I want to. I need to. I had 2 chances already this weekend. I chose not to. I'm sorry - to myself.

Because I have to get my priorities right. Please give me these chances again after exams....

Look Who's Needy Now...

2007-03-24T16:54:00.000+08:00

It's me! It's me! It's me! AHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

For more information, click here.

Ok, so it was a "Man Of The Match" performance. Or maybe they gave it to me because I got injured in the dying minutes. But then, I still like it!

Went for some science faculty street soccer competition today at NUS. Damn it, remind me not to join without a properly assembled team again. No offence to Raymond, who did quite a lot to get the people down to form a team, but I really can't play well if the people around me aren't playing well.

Think Paul Scholes. He is one player that needs the other players to be moving, supporting and passing so that he can do what he does best - play make. Still, it was fun being able to display some skills and team moves at a competitive court soccer tournament, but maybe the next time we should assemble a better, winning team.

Been really busy with assignments these days. Hopefully everything clears up within the next week. Then I can fully concentrate on the coming examinations.

Somehow, I don't find it as enjoyable anymore. Maybe the stress is too much. Too much assignments due. Maybe the fun exam study group isn't here anymore. Now it is just Siqiang and I - and even so, sometimes, he has got a lot of other commitments. Maybe, it's just me. I'm just expecting too much.

Okay, I'm just missing the times when studying was actually fun...

FECA wins!

2007-03-18T15:30:00.000+08:00

Guess what? I busted my ankle again. Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. I busted my ankle again. This time it isn't that bad. Slight sprain but I can still hobble around. Good thing though Feca finally registered our first win since I started playing for them. Had to wait 3 games before today.

Actually I could already feel the win coming. Last week, I was already playing a very decent game in centre mid. We scored first but due to a couple of defensive lapses, conceded 2 goals and we ultimately lost 1-2.

This week though, we learnt our lesson and after taking a similar 1-0 lead in the first half, we kept our focus on the game in the second and prevented most of the opponent onslaught. With our opponents attacking, we had holes to exploit and soon the second goal came. With the second goal, the game was already over and we cruised to the final whistle scoring a couple more.

Good Game. Finally a stable centre mid partnership in Lianshi and I...

Final score 4-0. FECA WINS.

The Latest "Bo Jio" Trend

2007-03-02T13:40:00.000+08:00

This semester is really not looking too good now. Since returning to hall in December, I realised many things have changed. Even though I was pretty much involved in a few IHG teams, I have come to realise that maybe there isn't much reason for me to stay in Hall One anymore.

Soon, the ambitions of Aik Leong and Shaun would bring them to Hall Six where the chances of capturing the coverted soccer champions medal will be higher than with Hall One. Next year it would really seem that there's no point joining the soccer team. Just take a look at this year's first team, of which Lianshi, Kenny, Mingwei, Qibin, Kaile, KengChew and Vynesh are amongst some of the final year students. So what's left now is me, Siqiang, Aloy, Junwei, Aaron and Haikel. And, surprise surprise, the current year 2 batch offering not a single player.

This sucks.

However, what has left me reeling in anguish is the situation where everyone seems to be playing the solo game now. And this is the main gist of my latest rant. There is no more coorperation, no more double-checking, no more reminders, no more urging of each other. I wouldn't really call this selfishness but maybe I have been to used to working in a group now. And since the group is seemingly torn apart, by nothing less than women, I'm really very much inclined to giving up next work year's stay in hall.

Yet, I am not ready to call it everyone else's fault. Because the situation now has left me in a more disadvantageous position than the rest. As a person who probably work better in groups, I have been left to pick up from where I stopped - alone. Indiscipline has left my work snowballing to a gigantic pile.

So the self-interrogating me has left me wondering if I had done any wrong. Or rather have not done anything right. Like maybe not becoming the one who drives the rest on. Or maybe not giving a general direction to which how the various projects and work is to be managed. Or just being obnoxious and selfish myself. Maybe nothing has changed except me.

I really don't know. Like how many other questions that I ask myself don't seem to have an answer.

Fight or flight?

The peace-loving nature in me chose the flight option. I know I cannot voice opinions out without ever getting in a rage or hurting others or just spewing a string of vulgarities. As such, to prevent the second major bust up in 2007, I chose to go home last night.

And vent it all out here.

FECA FC Debut

2007-02-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

I played my first game for FECA today. I bought a new pair of boots too. Nike. Gold. Ronaldinho boots. Damn swee. Well, it wasn't really for the debut, but just so happen that my old boots spoiled.

We lost 2-0. The first goal through a counter attack that I was partly to blame for not tracking back. The second was a blunder by the keeper. The fact that I failed to terrorise the opponent much hurts the most. Maybe it's just too hot. Most likely I'm totally out of shape. Off the pace. Slow to the ball. And lacking match fitness.

Need to improve. It doesn't matter now whether I still own or the court or not. I want to own on the field.

http://www.engin.umich.edu/group/ctm/examples/pend/invpen.html

Some Updates

2007-02-11T15:55:00.000+08:00

I'm having a great weekend.

On Saturday, I finished a tutorial before joining Lianshi and Lay Hoon, for CNY shopping. Danny, Sinyi and Weiquan joined us soon after. Delicious meal at Waraku at Marina Square, though is was rather expensive. Though Lianshi and I didn't manage to buy what we wanted to, we still had a good time.

After Weiquan fetched us home, I cycled down to my cousin's place to witness another Manchester United victory against Charlton. For the record, the scoreline was 2-0 in Man Utd's favour - Park Ji Sung and Darren Fletcher stuck out strong heads to put the game beyond contest.

After the match, I managed some time online too. Rarely get a chance to come online these days. Managed to catch up with some friends. Sigh... I feel disabled without MSN.

Still, I got a good game today at Bishan Park with Wilson, Bruce, Weng and Raymond. Though I suppose Raymond didn't enjoy it that much. Sure, I was one of the better players there, but I still feel that I haven't improved by "leaps and bounds" as they so claim.

CCY contacted me to ask me to join his team! Finally, I resolved my internal struggles and commited my "long term future" to his team and the league. Hopefully by I will improve further by playing regularly in a team.

So it's good news this weekend. I hope CNY is good too though I'm not too sure. Hopefully, I manage to get some new clothes too, or else relatives will start asking questions. Haha...

2006 - It's A Wrap

2006-12-31T21:27:00.000+08:00

I'm in a rush to finish this entry before the year ends. So...

It's a wrap boys and girls! May all have a wonderful, enriching, successful 2007! =)

From now on...

2006-12-25T23:24:00.000+08:00

Every battle will not be an easy battle.

Hall 1 lost the first soccer match on penalties against Hall 9. There probably wouldn't be a match more dramatic that this one that I've played. Nervous defending, check. Goalmouth scramble, check. Dramatic equalizer, check. Red card, check. Goal that wasn't to be, check. Penalties, check. Undeserved winners, check.

As with most IH soccer games throughout my "career", I started on the bench. This time though, I witness a really poor first half from Hall 1. We were pegged back in defence, couldn't play the ball out, and the opponents were having shooting sessions with our goal at mercy. Needless to say, by the middle of the first half, we were a goal down.

I came onto the pitch before the halftime whistle was blown and there wasn't time to make an impact. In the second half, a spirited Hall 1 side showed remarkable determination to grab something out of the match - if Hall 9 were to win, they will have to fight it out to win. This determination was epitomised by Qibin's workrate. Usually, he was the one with the least amount of running but his sudden impetus seemed to have an effect on the team.

Sure enough, the equaliser came in due time. Turning my defender inside out, I raced to the byline with the ball at my feet. I saw Qibin approaching to receive my cut back but the defender was faster to the ball than him and the ball was knocked out for a corner. Fate would have it though that a goalmouth scramble was to ensue from the resulting corner and Qibin smashed a leftfooted shot to make it 1-1. Game on.

Later on, Kaile and the opponent striker were to be red carded when the latter reacted by throwing the ball at Kaile for an apparent elbow. It wasn't much of a surprise though. Kaile is Hall One's smelliest player though I wouldn't like to have him out of the game at that point in time - every team needs someone to rough it out with the opponent and for us, that player is Kaile.

After 90 minutes, the game was tied at 1-1 and the match was proceeded to extra time with golden goal. Probably the most undeserving moment of the match occured in this period of time when a goal would have distinguished the winners and the losers. Yet the goal was not to be.

I shrugged of 3 challenges in the middle of the park and sent an inspired through ball for my rightwinger. Sure, the pass wasn't intended to be that brilliant (I had wanted to spread play) but he was through on goal with only the keeper to beat - which he did. The rest of the team were already celebrating when the goalbound ball stucked in the mud on the goal line.

*&^$%&##^%............. it just wasn't to be.

I've heard many people telling me how unlucky it was to have a goalbound ball stuck in the mud. I've never really understood how much that meant. I've always laughed at the unfortunate player. I've always dismissed the possibility of it happening to me - I never thought it would happen. But as fate would have it....

We subsequently lost on penalties when Qibin struck his shot onto the rightside post.

As the competition format was winner/loser bracket style, it meant that we had to win our next two matches.

Last Friday, we played Hall 14 and we murdered them 5-0. I was enjoying one of my better games having eaten the rightback for breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. I wouldn't say I was that impressive but it really is nice to be able to constantly make my opponent feel scared whenever I was attacking down the left flank. Hahaha... Maybe I'm just sadistic.

We play Hall 9 again coming Friday as they lost their second game against Hall 3 (or was it Hall 7? I can't really remember). Somehow, I'm having fears. Maybe it is because we didn't even manage to qualify for quarter finals last year and that's why I'm afraid of a repeat. Maybe it is because I'm afraid of making it into the starting line-up. Sure, I always wanted to play in the starting line-up but this time, there is this slight discomfort. This feeling that maybe, I'm not really that good to make it into the first team for the hall.

And then there's this fear that the opponent on my flank happen to be really good that day such that I had to run so much it would be really taxing to be able to perform well. Sure the football pundits can go on and on about what who-and-who should have done at certain moments of the match but they really don't realise how hard it is to make a correct decision on the field. To pass? To take on the guy? To cover the area? To make a run?

Damn, I'm really getting stressed. Now if only I had the good luck that you wished me then...

Time Buying

2006-12-13T00:02:00.000+08:00

So, you are back, checking out the latest entry from me. You have probably wondered what made you came back, what made you pop by to read some nonsensical crap from me. Don't ask me why, because sometimes, I really wonder why I keep coming back to write stuff too.

Maybe this place has become an emotional obligation. Maybe it's the only place where I can write what I want to say - write things that I otherwise am unable to share with people around me. Most times, it is not because the topics are of such sensitivity such that I cannot share it. Instead, more often than not, it could be because I don't really have anyone to share what I think and what I've been through.

You might have also noticed that this entry has been long overdue considering my consistency in updating this space. In a way, I was trying to see how long I could keep myself away from writing. Also, I do identify that I am running out of topics - maybe I am really becoming a zombie, a robot, or whatever you want to call it. Lastly, possibly a small percent, was because I wanted to see if anyone feedback to say that this place need updating. Childish, yeah, whatever...

In the midst of my blogging hiatus, I had a dream. A nightmare rather, that someone hacked into this account and posted a nasty entry about how my entries lack depth. How my life revolves around nothing but football. How my tendency to write things related to football. The exact words used were, of course, a blur. Yet the feelings I had from the nightmare was vivid. Some anger, but mostly embarrassment. Angry as one would expect because someone hacked into this place. Embarrassment because someone had actually mentioned all my shortcomings and posted them online and have everyone read about it.

In any case, it is still just a dream. Yet, I can't help thinking about it because it basically addresses some of the problems I have to deal with and yet, not putting in any effort in trying to solve them.

That's about it. Hopefully this entry buys me a little time before I come up with another "brilliant" entry. To be truthful, I'm thinking of writing one (or more) of the following -

- "Christmas Wishlist" (10 items for xmas)

- "Football World XI" (Best footballers to form a team - in my opinion of course)

- "The Ultimate Footballer" (Traits taken off legends to form an ultimate footballer)

- "X Japan Most List" (most insane, most corny, nicest solo...)

- "AD2006 - It's A Wrap" (one that I most probably will be writing)
_____________________________________________

Now, just in case anyone wants to know.
-IA has officially ended, though I am still settling some stuff, sort of like a wrap up.

-IHG soccer starts on Thursday, somehow, I don't think this team is well-prepared (or even slightly prepared for that matter).

-I'm thinking of what to do besides football this hols.

Looking Forward

2006-12-01T22:58:00.000+08:00

Six months isn't that long after all. 5 more days and IA will be over. It was really an interesting period of time and I really learnt a lot about biomechanics. To me, an improvement in an athlete's technique has the least effect on his/her overall performance.

The sports council has classified the study of sports science into 5 different areas - psychology, physiology, strength & conditioning, biomechanics, and nutritioning. For every sport, I believe the psychological aspect is the most important - the one with the biggest desire wins. The hierarchy is then followed by physiology - the study of physical fitness (aerobic capacity and the likes). Then strength & conditioning. And biomechanics is in position number four (if not last).

Nevertheless, it was a fun time. I had the chance to have lunch with the Singapore netball girls, today. They aren't the best players in the world. In fact, there was a big commotion over the way the girls got trounced when played against the mighty Australians. Imagine how large the Australians are when some of the Singapore netball girls are taller than me. I, for sure, wouldn't like playing football against giants.

The girls were pretty fun-loving. In fact, the camaraderie within the team is good. And from some of the presented video clips, they can be really crazy at times. Though I would say my ime with the IVP team wasn't that fun (it was really quite serious), the sight of the banter and teasing makes me miss IVP training. The girls will be competing next week at the Toa Payoh sports hall for the 4 Nations Cup. Might be a good idea to catch them in action (especially the cute captain). Haha..

Tomorrow is my first friendly match in awhile. Against Hall 9. Hopefully I'll be in the starting line up and subsequently put in a good performance for maybe 60 minutes. At the rate I'm training myself, I probably wouldn't last the whole match at top pace. Really can't blame this week's slack off due to the fact that I was helping my Dad for a few nights. It's almost crazy, I work at SSC in the day, help my Dad in the evening, and some nights, I set off for a run at around 11pm. Been helping out a little too in the weekends.

Not that I really mind. Afterall, I might as well spend the time doing something meaningful rather than listening to XJapan and Yoshiki's pain. I'm starting to think about the future lifestyle. I really don't mind working in the day at some job, and then helping out at the factory at night and weekends. Well, at least for 5 years or so - just to see what the outcome is when I push myself to the limits.

There are a few other stuff that I want to write about. Yet, for the first time, I feel the restrictions due to the fact that people read this space. So, I'd better end here before I change my mind.

Wish me luck for tomorrow's match.

Unsettled

2006-11-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

A random thought jus popped by my mind and somehow, I wish I weren't that much of a pacy winger. A pacy winger's mortality is low. Just look at Giggs. He's a slowpoke. SLOWWWW. I used to feel excited to see him with the ball, but now I just yawn. Hahaha...

I should be a midfield maestro. Something like Zidane. One who uses his brains and skills to win games, not pace. I must learn not to rely so much on my pace, else I will realise that when the younger ones are faster than me, I would have nothing in my armoury to beat them. I can't imagine the day when I hang up my boots. I think it will be very sad and I wouldn't have incentive to keep fit anymore. I want longevity in the game!
__________________________________________________

So we have all heard about this player, that player being unsettled. It generally means that there is a lot of speculation as to the future of the player and that he might have to leave his current club.

I never knew what being unsettled felt like. I always thought that speculation is all about the media and that all the player has to do is to get on with the game - keep playing well. Yet "unsettled" is what I am feeling now. I have handed in my IA report, completed my logbook, IA assessment has been done, so now I go to work just thinking about the next step.

Somehow, I am unable to focus on the projects at the workplace now and it is bugging me. When there is no motivation, the working environment get freakingly boring. And that is a good thing. I hope it is the uncertainty of the near future that is bothering me and not the fact that work is getting tough and boring. Just imagine getting bored with work after only 5 months! If 5 months of work is boring, then the next 40 years or so would be hell, and I really want to think that it is the uncertainty that is getting to me.

Being unsettled is bad for efficiency. In future, I must remind myself that questions with regard to the immediate future must be made decisively, or else lots of precious time is lost.

Excitement

2006-11-17T21:22:00.000+08:00

Presenting to you the attacking midfielder,

Robin Fong -

Flair and pace,
Deception and penetration,
Takes the mickey out of defenses,
Fills them with absolute fear,
Makes them fall on their asses,
Then murders them with speed,
Was just... flamboyant

I'm so excited. It is that time of the year again. InterHall Soccer is beckoning. Shaun told me about few months ago that we will be adopting the Barcelona system of 4-3-3. And I am asked to fill one of the wingers' spot. Being given no defensive duties, my role is to tear the defence apart, assist and score goals. Hopefully I play well to keep my place.

A year ago, I was lacking in confidence, my ruptured ankle ligaments didn't allow me to play properly and I was really scared of the ball. This time round, I can't wait to get back to training. The IVP stint has made me a better player tactically, and I've been watching Manchester United's gameplay this season. It has provided me with an inspiration to play like them.

So these days, I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to do to the poor opponents. Shoule I drift in to the centre of the field? Should I drop deep? Should I take the wingback on? Should I try long shots?

Should I play like -

Zinedine Zidane? The ex-Galactico is one of the best in history. I like the way he puts his foot on the ball and move it around as if the ball is controlled by silk. The fluid movement - poetry in motion!

Ryan Giggs? The veteran winger makes opponents look stupid. One of those who can bring the ball left, right, left, right and then nutmeg the wingback. Although he tends to stick to the flanks, he virtually glides on the grass.

Kaka? He is an all-round playmaker with electric pace, flawless technique, laser vision and scores the occasional wonder goal. While he seems to lack consistency, he is still one of those who is capable of doing things that make me look on in amazement.

Wayne Rooney? I couldn't possibly leave this British Bulldog out. Epitome of determination and shows no respect to his opponents. I like the way he drops deep and link play. The best player from England in years!

I've been training for the past two months now. But I somehow feel the level of match fitness isn't there yet. Whether or not I can produce what I know I can produce on the field will very much depend on the level of fitness. If I'm tired, I really can't do much with the ball.

I must attain match fitness!!

Should I...

2006-11-12T22:18:00.000+08:00

do my FYP with the Singapore Sports Council?

I really cannot seem to decide and I need some help.

Advantages
- I know the people at SSC already.
- I have a rough idea what I would be doing.
- The chances of good grades are higher (or so my supervisor claims).
- I can start my FYP much earlier than the rest and have a longer time working on it.
- It shows some level of courage to jump into something that is pretty hard to work on.

Disadvantages
- I know the work is pretty hard to work on.
- National Stadium is going to be demolished and the working environment will change.
- The chances of good grades are higher, but it is only claimed by my supervisor.
- The equipment available might not be complete.
- It shows some level of stupidity to jump into something that is pretty hard to work on.

I need some help! Some comments? Some ideas to help me decide? Just...

Say Anything...

It is

2006-11-01T00:32:00.000+08:00

You are not me

You don't have to feel sad

"Why? Why? Why?" I'm asked.

because I'm the one who chose this melodramatic persona

the one with insanity raging from within

the one who finds that life isn't just about going through it

who decides to end it all but wants to fight and leave a mark in others

yet wanting to end it all again after failing miserably

"Wow. That's insane."

it is...

Who Killed The MockingBird?

2006-10-30T20:34:00.000+08:00

So, I've failed a module in my first year, first semester. So, I did a "Re-". So, I probably ain't going to get my second class upper. So... I'm being mocked at. Or I have this feeling at least. Nevermind I passed it on my "Re-". Nevermind I got an "A" after my "Re-". I'd probably never be half as successful as Mockingbird.

In many ways, I'm thankful for the current financial well-being of my family. Ironically, it resembles, in many ways, too much like those you watch on TV. A little backstabbing here. A little mocking there. Though I would still like to say that much of the rest of it is pure genuine care. But sometimes it really stresses one to be in such a situation. Okay, great, everyone is doing well. Some are doing way too well. So where do I stand? Right at the bottom? If so, does it mean the right to be mocked at?

Or have I taken it all too seriously? Is it the pressure that is supplied to me by the family? Or is it a self-imposed desire to prove the rest wrong? Sure it may just all be a little way of showing a little concern, but the way it was brought across just stabs. So, mockingbird is successful. Mockingbird has a beautiful wife and 2 beautiful children. Mockingbird has a car. Great career. Loads of cash. Multiple degress. Have I mentioned the condo? Why even Mockingbird did the SOC at 6minutes plus - way faster than my 8min 9sec record. Well, I'll be owned. What have I got? (5/8 of an engineering degree... and erm... wonderful football skills) It just rubs in, doesn't it?

Like Wilson said, everything I needed financially was taken care of. All I needed to do was to focus on studying. But I admit to the fact that I cocked up along the way. Yet,to the rest, I have had already screwed up my entire education. Right? The word education is technically wrong already. Education is process at which one goes through to learn. But the situation I'm in now doesn't seem to allow "screwing up" be a part of education.

That's the way Singaporeans are brought up and that's why I'm consigned to believe that I'll never be half as good a businessman as Mockingbird. I've already lost out in terms of the qualifications - Mockingbird has a nice Business Administration paper. Besides that, I'm told to stay out of the business. "Go find a nice office job," they say, "air-conditioned and all. Keep away from the risks. No stress. Life's good."

"...and get mocked at." I thought to myself.

So, these days I'm wondering where I'd end up. Wel, not exactly these days - I've been wondering my entire 23 years where I'd end up. The only firm conclusion after years of investigation is that I'd probably be some speck of dust by the next century.

In the meantime, I'll just think about my FYP. Then maybe a little more about how I want to develop my career. Hopefully, by then, I wouldn't be thinking about killing the Mockingbird...

Kurenai of Manchester United

2006-10-24T10:43:00.000+08:00

It must be no new news about how Manchester United cruised to a famous 2-0 victory over Liverpool but this season, the feeling that creates an orgasmic buzz about Manchester United is back. It is amazing how by just naming the players in the team provides me an excitement about football that no other teams have ever given me - yet, there is something strange about the way I came to support Man Utd.

It was only 1994 (wow! more than 10 years back) when I got in contact with football with a little interest. At that time, it was Sundram, Abbas Saad, Alistair Edwards and Fandi Ahmad playing in the Malaysia Cup. If I did not remember wrongly, we won Kedah 2-0 that year to lift the cup. We had a good team then, with players like the late Bohan Abu Samah, Malek Awab and Kadir Yahya backing up the four stars mentioned above.

By the time Singapore pulled out of the competition, my cousin was already bugging me about Man Utd. There was a lot of talk about Ryan Giggs but the rest of the team was still anonymous to me. Still that was when I started to support Man Utd. It sounded silly because in school, the guys were talking about football had a club to support. I picked Man Utd to be THE team, so as to be part of the guys, not because I knew Man Utd was great, but because it was the ONLY team I knew.

I know that supporting a winning team is easy. Afterall, not living in England means that I do not have to support the club of my hometown. After many years of being accused of supporting a winning team, I just had to justify my choice of selecting Man Utd.

I already knew Man Utd were winning stuff on a yearly basis by the time I was Sec 3 - that was when I took it upon myself to take a look at Man Utd playing. By that time, the era of players were Beckham and company, and the legend called Eric Cantona had retired. I have seen clips of the master in action but it is my regret never to have caught him playing a full match.

In 1999, United won the treble. That was the start of the tingling feeling Man Utd gave me. The heart, the spirit, the never-say-die attitude coupled with exciting play, wizardry winging in Giggs, hearty finishing from the strikers and Scholesy, and handsome Beckham (not that I gave it a damn). Oh yes, there was Roy Keane too - determination 100%, drive 100%, mad tackling 100%.

Sure, there were other great teams around. There was Real Madrid, when Fat Boy Ronaldo tore Man Utd apart with his brilliant hattrick. Arsenal, with their free flowing passing play. More recently, Milan and Barcelona - both teams led in attack by brilliant Brazilians in the form of Kaka and Ronaldinho. Although there was admiration, there was never a time when I felt the fighting spirit from within them.

Look at how Milan broke down in the second half by a spirited Liverpool couple of years back. Unbeatable Arsenal got their arse kicked by Man Utd 2 years back and they never found back their unbeatable form. Madrid collasped due to too many stars which resulted in the creation of the term "player power".

In contrast, what Darren Fletcher lacks in terms of technique, as compared to the rest of his teammates, he made it all up by the way he ran his lungs out against Liverpool. It's amazing. It's called the blood. The determination. The way Man Utd cannot bear to look at the face of the apparition called "Defeat".

Red is the rage of Rooney. I want this drive. Red is the colour of a winning team. When I pull on the blue jersey of Hall One coming InterHall Games, be sure that beneath this dull navy blue, there is a red that wills me to win. The red that similarly drove Roy Keane - the Kurenai of Manchester United.

Endless Rain

2006-10-22T01:12:00.000+08:00

Endless Rain - X Japan

Im walking in the rain
yuku ate mo naku kizutsuita karada nurashi (though everything seems to be hurting me for some reason)
karamitsuku koori no zawameki (there is only nothing)
koroshi tsuzukete samayou itsu made mo (just kill me now ... as I roam forever)
Until I can forget your love

nemuri wa mayaku tohou ni kureta (to me sleep is a confusing narcotic)
kokoro o shizuka ni tokasu (that only quiets the beating heart)
mai agaru ai o odorasete (all my love seems to flow from my body)
furueru karada o kioku no bara ni tsutsumu (like a heart felt memory)
I keep my love for you to myself

* Endless rain, fall on my heart kokoro no kizu ni (in this wounded soul)
Let me forget, all of the hate, all of the sadness

Days of joy, days of sadness slowly pass me by
As I try to hold you, you are vanishing before me
You are just an illusion...
When I'm awaken, my tears have dried in the sand of sleep
Im a rose blooming in the desert

Its a dream, Im in love with you
madoromi dakishimete (hold me warmly in your arms)

* repeat

I awake from my dream I cant find my way without you

[guitar solo]

The dream is over koe ni naranai kotoba o kurikaeshite mo (I can no longer hear the voice of your gentle words)
takasugiru hai iro no kabe wasugi satta hi no (floating off tear stained walls)
omoi o yume ni utsusu (so awakening in the morning, I'll move into my dreams)
Until I can forget your love

* repeat

Endless rain, let me stay, ever more in your heart
Let my heart take in your tears, take in your memories

Hiking

2006-10-19T18:44:00.000+08:00

Hiking does not necessarily mean walking long distances in the wilderness. In sailing, hiking means something else. I've never sailed before, I don't know what hiking is really used for except probably to balance the laser. My boss told me to model someone hiking.

So that's someone doing the hiking bench. The hiking bench measures the forces in the xyz directions. The greater the force, the better because the laser would be able to attain more speed.

And so, at my first pathetic attempt, I did a 4-links model. Added some fake muscles and some fake muscle strength. Fake joint contraints. Fake segment lengths. Fake segment masses. Fake 2nd inertia of momentum. So fake. No wonder the model looks fake...

After some simple initial positions setting, I managed to get Mr Skeleton into the hiking position.

Fake angles. Fake initial positions. Fake mass. Fake environment. Still very fake. I decided to add muscles... I wanted a strong Mr Skeleton.

Me: "What strong abs you have!"

Mr Skeleton: "All to do the hiking bench better, my Dear!"

Still very fake. Fake angles. Fake positions. Fake movement. Fake environment.

I now need to add in the hiking bench. Gather more accurate force data. And then run the inverse dynamics analysis. As for motion capturing, I doubt it can be done within the course of my Industrial Attachment.

_________________________________________________

Seems like Saturday's soccer training is cancelled. ARGH.

Nomad

2006-10-15T23:56:00.000+08:00

Raymond was telling me to move on when I have already done so. Afterall, moving is what I've been doing eternally. Some may call it coincidence but to me, fate just plays wicked games sometimes for me to meet you again.

Nonetheless, there's this funny calm within me. To know that everything is going well, and still maintaining that radiance. If only thiis calmness spreads through every aspect of being me, I would be so much more sane than I am now.

I know now that I'm truly on my way again. Afterall, there is only really one thing that keeps ringing in my head. But I'm sure it will fade away soon.

It's officially 1 mth without football. And I drank a lot today. Even after having medicine. You'd think I'm nuts to say I'll die young. But then, I know I'm sane enough to conclude so...

String Theory

2006-10-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

Fast approaching a month since I last played football. I don't even start missing hall now. Plus I even doubt my chances of retaining a room in my fourth/final year. Sometimes you can't help but think time will distant you from your love. Don't you?
________________________________________________

Chanced upon this interesting article on the "String Theory" that was brought forth by scientists during the 80s. It would be around twenty years now that the idea was first proposed and this article argues about the validity of this theory and whether or not the resource of the world's brainiest people should focus in proving (or unproving) this seemingly absurd idea.

String Theory article.

To briefly explain, String Theory is an attempt to unify the two varying laws of physics - Quantum and Wave. Ever since Einstein's amazing discovery of E=mc^2, physicists have struggled to explain the existance of Quantum without compromising the validity of Wave, and vice versa. For the unknowing, quantum explains the behavior of small particles by little packets of energy, while wave explains the behavior of large, massive objects. Yet, the two theories cannot be used interexchangeably.

In physics terms, an equation the unifies the theories is the Holy Grail for all scientists - the answer to this mystery that eluded even the great Einstein. To me, this equation will probably never emerge in my lifetime. It suggests the existence of 10 dimensions, and the presence of an infinite number of universes - what they call "Parallel Universe". However, I do hope that one day, humankind will finally discover this Holy Grail so that future generations will not suffer the the lonely feeling that the wolves do when they howl. Hopefully, by then, there will be no more comparisons of human living with that of living in a giant ant nest.

Hopefully...

A Week Of Robotising

2006-10-07T18:23:00.000+08:00

Firstly, bloody fuck! I spent an hour or so typing my latest post and it just disappeared like that.....
____________________________________________________

In the process of robotising myself, I have made some progress in the modeling process. It appears that the parameters provided by the hiking bench is not sufficient in obtaining an inverse dynamics solution to the modeling. So what I have got to do now is to do up a simpler 4link/joint model and hopefully it will produce decent results.

Zombification helps make work more efficient.

Of course, I do identify with Hui Yun that it may not be necessarily a good thing. But then again, the situation cannot be helped. So to aid me in my process, my supervisor and I went for a run on Wednesday when the haze cleared up a little. The running route took us from National Stadium to the Esplanade similar to the AHM training days except that this time round, we ran along the coastline. I cannot deny that I am addicted to "mentally purifying" through "physical torture" such as running, cycling and of course, footballing.

The run was not particularly good - my supervisor just had to stop to rest upon reaching Esplanade instead of just turning back. Despite the long legs that supported his lanky 1.9m frame, I was surprised and frustrated with my supervisor's slow paced run. Well, since he was pretty apologetic for the lack of tempo, I just treated it as a chance to take a look at the beautiful scenery. Not that the scenery was particularly good either - the haze had a lot to do with it. And then the run was nearly spoilt when my supervisor just had to mention that I must be used to running slow since I run pretty often with friends in hall...

The haze took a turn for the worse as the week wore on. It is probably needless to say that it is caused by deliberate attempts to clear out forests so that more land is available for use. I must say that it is a very unprofessional job done considering the amount of pollution that it has produced. From news reports, the environmental minister from Indonesia said that this burning process is illegal but they can't do anything about it.

Of course it is illegal!!! But when does it mean that nothing can be done about it? Is there really nothing that could be done to improve the situation? I don't think so. I have this feeling that the Indonesian government is adopting this "close-one-eye" stance and I can understand why. Indonesia is a poor country and that in order for future development, more available land is required. But since the technology and finance is limited, they just do it the cheap and easy way - mass burning.

I'm very indignant about it. It is a selfish act. An inconsiderate act. I hate this kind of attitude where someone does something that is of convenience to himself without thinking about the problems that his actions will cause others. They just burn without considering the pollution that comes with it. So poor souls like us have to endure a period of wheezing and sneezing. It is like sweeping the leaves from one's own front door to his neighbour's just because he is lazy to find a dustpan.

Stupid haze is preventing me from making cycling trips to Woodbridge Hospital at night... Hate it!

Absence...

2006-10-01T18:28:00.000+08:00

And so, my latest story should end now given the amount of useless time I spent in it. It should have really ended much earlier - or it shouldn't have started. As I take my first step into emptying my brain, the jarring pain is ceaseless. I should have known that fear is the biggest wall that obstructs a person's success. Well actually I do know, just that there was really nothing I did about it.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and imagine what 2 weeks of football-less days have done to ultimately wreck me. It's not as though I'm injured. Yet, nobody came knocking on my door for a game. I really should have taken initiative, shouldn't I? Come to think about it, there was someone asking me for a game, but then why the hesitation, Robin? Be brave and grab your chance. It's not as though I have not played against strangers before. Deja vu it seems when I said I left my boots in hall.

Well, he said that if he manages to find a pair of size10-half boots, he'll contact me so that I can join them for a game. And then I waited and waited and waited again, for the phone call that never came. Size 10-half boots... is it that difficult to find a pair? And then it dawned upon me that it really shouldn't be someone else's responsibility to find that pair of boots. Because if I want to play the game, I should find my own boots! So the question about initiative comes into play again. Robin, Robin... how many times do you want people to take the initiative? It's not that often for someone to be called to play for a team.

Who do you think you are, Robin?! Some big soccer star? You've gotta be kidding. Afterall, you are still where you started out - kicking a freakin' rubber ball as though you're the best player in the area.

Force it out, force it out. Pump it out. Puke it out if need be! Empty that madness of the mind. Nobody stays up late to wait around. It is called madness. Ah, but even the smartest people in the world are guilty of this folly. This madness. But even some fools identify with the fact that some things will be gone when they are meant to be gone. So begone and force it out.

When this entry ends, make sure the jarring pain stops. Look forward and be sure not to be foolish again. Be sure that... something wonderful is being prepared. Specially for me.

Oh how I wish I wouldn't click on the "Publish Post" button.

Halftime

2006-09-24T14:37:00.000+08:00

I am but an exhausted fighter
Losing in many areas, many fields
Battered and torn by the war with life
Equivocating with reality and ideals

For the people still back in NTU, it is the start of the one week term break. It provides the undergraduates a slight rest from the hustle and bustle of school but for the more knowing, it is a wake up call for those who have not been making the best use of earth time.

This entry, though is a halftime report for me and also a reminder of where I should be and want to be. I think it is good to be provided with a 6 mth break from school so that there can be a comparison between the efficiency of time spent in school and back at home.

At the start of my period of industrial attachment, there were many things I wanted to do. Apart from the more important gaining knowledge of working life and also expertise in my field of study, I wanted to fix up my home a little and hopefully improve the quality of living. I view it as a step to prepare for future living.

So, three months into my IA, and besides clearing out some rubbish and buying new rubbish, nothing much is done. In terms of work, the progress is worse. I seriously need to buck up and perform better. This means lesser late nights, and more efficient time usage.

I MUST CUT DOWN ON TIME SPENT ON THE STUPID COMPUTER.

A big realisation is the amount I spend on the computer doing nothing but minesweeping and playing some stupid chinese chess programme. (And of course, reading MSN nicks and waiting for people to come online to chat with.) How dumb is that?

I need some direction. I need the energy that my Dad had. I need the strength to overcome the barriers in my life so that I can bring myself into the next chapter - into the next dawn. A sort of enlightenment that mentally and physically bring my performance to the next level.

And so, things I must do now for the rest of my IA time.
- Find out the things that is curbing the progress of the modeling project.
- Fix those things!
- Train, train, train to prepare for IHG soccer.
- Meet up with friends.
- Decide on what I want to do for my FYP and discuss with seniors.

I need drive. Sometimes we must take the wheel in our hands and drive.

The Arts vs Science Debate.

2006-09-16T17:13:00.000+08:00

Is it possible to be artistic and scientific at the same time? As an engineer, is it possible to admire the recent art exhibits? When did arts become science anyway? I mean, freak, there is this so-called artist who made a shirt of magnets or something and then a wall of metal, and then claimed it to be an art piece. And then she said something along the lines of "You know how an art exhibit attracts attention and draws people go closer to it? Well, now you have an art piece which literally does it..."

Come on, how cheesy is that?! I almost choked on my dinner from laughing while watching that particular news extract.

How Leonardo Da Vinci is renowned for being an artist and a scientist at the same time is really intriguing. To me, would he not drive himself insane with the clash of perception and mindset when going about with his work? I know I am driving myself nuts though. This modeling project for my IA is pretty upsetting. Motion capture for engineering is different from motion capture for animation.

For engineering, besides the visual aspects of the capture, other data is required as well. Important kinematic and dynamic data such as forces. For example, motion capture of a crash car also requires the capture of speed of car, deceleration, and impact forces. And then through this capture, graphic modeling is done and optimization will determine which crash structure is best for design.

For animation, you just need the positional data. x, y, z coordinates and then that's it. Fit it into your graphical model and drive it using some animation software and you have a wonderful movie called "Cars". Of course, certain database needs to be done to recreate things like damping of the car's suspension when braking and turning, but these algorithms need not comply with real life statistics. All you need is for the animation to look realistic enough.

I'm pretty okay with it until I think about the millions that movies are raking in. Holy crap. I pity those engineers at BMW and Mercedes - thinking till their heads explode just to balance the suspension and mass of the car and then nobody knows how to appreciate the "artistry" in their work.

Unfair ain't it? Even that word is called artistry too. For the engineer in me, it's scientistry. Just imagine the civil engineer's reaction when he sees the architect's design for the building of "School of Arts, Media and Design" in NTU - I bet his eyes almost popped out. When describing the architecture of a building, people really should go "Wow, what scientistry it takes to design that!"

On the other hand, imagine the conflicts when Insane Poet decides to counter Mr Professor - the footballer in me is now indignantly screaming to have some of his thoughts heard. Football should be loved by what it is - as an art. Aesthetics is the key to admiring Zidane's gravity-defying turns and Ronaldinho's wonderful ball control. But must the scientists from Chelsea all spoil it by throwing on robots into the fray and then start playing like a machine team to spoil the beautiful game?

Shame on Jose Mourinho. The Special One is famed to provide statistical data of the team's opponents to every member of his team. This data was reported to also include the styles of the exact member of the opponent that a Chelsea player will be facing. For example, if Chelsea plays Manchester United, Chelsea leftback Ashley Cole will be provided data of Manchester United rightwinger Cristiano Ronaldo. Sad now because this would mean the fall of the likes of Ryan Giggs and the rise of players like Robbie Savage. Heck, even his name spells trouble for the sport.

Also, the whole game is spoilt by the bloody statisticians who come up with the odds for gambling. Shame. Shame on the smart intellects. Look at the Italian Serie A. I bet the players must all be gutted by the fact that they train and play so hard only to have the results of matches to be manipulated by gambling forces.

It really should be "artistry" then. Because what has Kaka's ability to split the opponent's defence just by a single pass got to do with science? Absolutely nothing!
________________________________________

And then the equivocation goes on and on. The Professor versus Insane Poet - if a war breaks out between the two identities in me, the battle will be more exciting than a World Cup Final...

Bad Day

2006-09-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

I scored two goals at Sunday soccer today. A standard clinical finish and a screamer after beating two guys. But I feel miserable. My team kept losing today and I was damn pissed off with some of the indecisive defending. And I did what Aik Leong does when things are not going well on the pitch - screamed at my teammates. Okay, it is afterall only a leisure Sunday court soccer game. But I really hate losing especially to teams who are obviously much poorer than us.

There were three teams today - mine, Alvin's team and Fat team. Alvin's team is a decent passing team that's really good as they play often together. While mine is just an anyhow-assembled team. What pissed me off is that the Fat team is really lousy but we kept losing to them due to defensive mistakes. Giap wasn't playing well. I must admit Zhongshun isn't as sharp as the secondary school days. So I was scolding my team half the time but there just wasn't much improvement.

We kept on playing after Giap and JJ left for home and the people from the fat team kept imitating my scoldings. So damn pissed off. I was drinking a bottle of 100plus and this new guy with a balding pate kept passing sarcastic remarks about waiting for me to finish drinking before carrying on with the game. Okay. I kept quiet and played my game.

Baldie and this other guy, Fatty were imitating me and kept mock scolding their own teammates - "Stop the ball lah!" and "You all defense damn lousy today lah!". Well, they've got the guts, especially Baldie. Because normally if you are a new guy, you keep quiet and just play the game.

Then this other fair guy, Whitey, was giving me hell with the rough tackling. And since it's my tendency to dribble with a lot of stepovers, he kept doing this irritating twisting of his legs to mock me whenever he's marking me. He's got the nerve.

And then it became all too much for me. In one instance, I spun round and after beating two guys, I smashed the scorching piledriver right into goal above the stunned Baldie. I swore if that ball skimmed his head, there will be nothing left on his already thinning scalp.

Eat my dirt, Baldie. If you play as an outfield player next week, I swear to kill you.
_____________________________________________

I don't understand why people whom I love say things that hurts me so much. All I wanted was a better standard of living for everyone...
_____________________________________________

And then Giap had to apologise for the poor performance today. Makes me all the more guilty for my outbursts.
_____________________________________________

So miserable. And you just happen not to be here...

The Friendship Of A Passerby

2006-08-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

Certain things have happened recently and have made me change my mind about friendships. More and more, the disappointment with the people around me have made me realise that I shouldn't be disappointed anymore. There shouldn't even be room to feel disappointment. It is just a way of life. Suddenly, I realised the truth in these words, which I extract from Wilson's blog.

"On Friendship"

...Our destinies meet for a moment, then diverge again
We can meet up and reminisce on the good old days,
And laugh again at that lame joke,
But You and I know it will never be the same again,

For time moves on and waits for no man,
Old friends are lost,
New friends are found.
There is no need to make extravagant efforts to stay in touch
We all have our own paths,
Let us not get in each other's way!
Let us drift apart...

Whether or not we were once from Rosyth Class 95 graduates. Whether or not we were once ZHSS NPCC squadmates. Whether or not we braved the storms of A levels together. Whether or not we mock fought in our bunkrooms during SISPEC. Whether or not we experienced the PTI beesting together. Whether or not I am part of block 222 Sunday soccer group. If one of us decide to move on, for whatever reasons, let's not stop each other. If you decide not to turn up for Hall Ball, I will not question you. If I stop playing at block 222, please don't ask me why.

And a message to insane poet's friends....

"Passerby"
You would have drove me home,
Even in the middle of the night.
And when you drink till you puked,
Be sure I'd give you a ride.

I sure have liked your smile,
But I liked your laughter more.
I would have said things to make you laugh,
So that your stomach went sore.

Yet there were times I made you cry.
That's when you have your revenge.
Because whenever you did,
My heart felt like it's been wrenched.

I would have laughed at your inability,
To tell the difference between Tanah Merah and Kembangan.
You would have laughed at my poor school results.
And I'd probably shoot you if I had a gun.

I didn't take some jokes that came my way,
Sometimes, you didn't find things funny too.
But you'd still take another insult.
That's beyond a doubt.

I am your friend for 10 years.
I am your friend since four.
I am still your friend,
Even when you show me the door.

My dear friend, don't stop me from leaving,
Let me fly away.
I won't urge to keep you too,
If you decide to run one day.

Even if we're only two-week-friends,
I hope you don't feel pity.
And when I'm gone, don't cry,
For I'm only your passerby...

Of Torpedoes And Human Bombs

2006-08-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

Firstly, a tribute to the picture. That person is me, caught by a state of the art high speed camera, in action la David Beckham.

Okay, it's an uncool shot because I was in jeans and polo T. And look at the horrid shoes I'm wearing that day! I hate SAF Brooks. The ball was very deflated, well it still is. But the fact is National Stadium will be torn down next year. And this is a still capture from the video of me. Kicking a ball. In National Stadium. On the field.

The stadium of memories of Fandi Ahmad scoring that wonder goal against Nottingham Forest. And of course, I will reminisce the same match when Stan Collymore delivered that piledriver past David Lee. Singapore won Tiger Cup on homeground and I was there with buddies Wilson and Bruce when Indra Sahdan smashed home the first goal of the night.

There were wonderful memories of SYF when I was sec 1. Many National Day evenings, and I even have the honour to serve my Industrial Attachment there. I remember my Dad bringing me to the place to watch Malaysia Cup matches. I remember the happy hustle and bustle of the occasions when he did so. My love for football was initiated here. This place is proof of my Dad's love for us.

Standing in the empty gallery will ignite many thoughts and memories. It is like feeling the legends that walked the ground, walking the ground all over again....
___________________________________________________

Went down to Toa Payoh Swimming Complex today. At the competition pool where I met more national athletes. This time there is big star Joscelyn Yeo. How cool. But my eyes were fixed on the water drop there - reminds me of the time when we sneaked into NTU pool at night.

Back in office, I chanced upon my colleague's website. Terraoutdoors is the company. It organises overseas trips such as trekking, diving, cycling. Suddenly, I'm reminded of the time when us, PTIs went to Kota Tinggi, jumping off the stone ledge and plunging into the coolness of the natural pool. www.terraoutdoors.com. Sounds like a good way for a getaway.

Mother Nature is beckoning to me. The call of the wild. The yearning to be free. I just want to be in awe of Mr Waterfall again...

Dilemma

2006-08-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

Hall Bash was a success thanks to the support the hall has given. But what touched me was the presence of all the seniors who came down to just check on things. I mean, they probably don't realise it, but their presence was appreciated.

To tell the truth, as the chief-programmer, I was pretty nervous with the proceedings. But things turned out fine and I even had some time to enjoy myself - drinking, chatting, wriggling whatever moves I have on the dance floor and then playing with wax. Haha...

Hopefully Hall Ball will be just as successful.
____________________________________________________

IA has left me freaking frustrated. Okay, I know it is cool to work in National Stadium. I know it is cool to see James Wong, Vincent Ng, Belinda Lee, water flooding the office and being able to film myself in football action inside the National Stadium. But hell, the work here is tough.

I have come to a point that I feel guilty for the citizens of Singapore. Here I am, stumped with the bloody project. My job is supposed to work on the national athletes and then help them win medals to do Singapore proud. Yet, I find that the structure of the laboratory is not complete enough. We have 3 biomechanists. Of which one is doing his masters in NTU, the other is a part-timer and the last one is the head of the department. We have two other lab technicians who do a pretty good job. But seriously, how much can 3 half- involved biomechanists do?

So I come into the picture, supposedly to do a 3D model of a sporting activity. I chose wushu - trust me, it is already the easiest choice of the lot. Because if you look at the rest of the sports like swimming and sailing, the analysis will surely involve thermodynamics, that is, moving of bodies through a viscous medium. What I am doing now is a lengthy process. Is a project that once completed, is worth publishing a paper in International Sports Biomechanics journals. Projects such as these take years to do, not to mention at least 3 or 4 professors involved. So, I suppose Superman is supposed to complete it within 6 months of his IA all alone?

Flowplan of project..

And then, the actual results will still depend on whether the wushu athlete wins the medal. Imagine the costs involved - qualified manpower, costs of equipment that go by tens of thousands, opportunity costs and effort wasted. Then think about where the Singapore Sports Council gets the money from. Has it struck you that those ERP payments are going into erm... medals?

Okay, I know the mark of a rich country is the ability to be able to enjoy high standard of living - to enjoy music, watch plays, shake some ass in clubs, smile at people on the streets, win sports medals and then going home to that high class condominium with lavish facilities. I know too that I really hate the low-class pop culture here and yearn to see more people appreciating stuff that are more difficult to appreciate. But surely asking an unqualified undergraduate to do a some kind of PhD stuff is an unglamourous way of throwing oneself into the "high-class" range of countries?

So disgusted Superman is half inclined to read ISB journals all day and do a poor job on the project. And then risk getting a poor grade for his IA. What's worse is that my supervisors have already expected me to continue my "good work" here by doing my final year project with them. And chances are, I will continue my career with the government, with little chance of promotion, with little experience gained in the private sector. And then ending up probably busking on the streets of Orchard Road - showing off whatever mediocre football tricks I have.

I really need a break through. Like a miracle. Like how suddenly a ray of light appears. And then suddenly I master the AnyBody modeling programming language. And then getting a good grade for IA.

Okay, I actually need to work on the IA report. GAH!

What If

2006-08-14T19:57:00.000+08:00

Haven't been scoring goals on Sunday soccer lately but I helped myself to four goals yesterday.

A sharp, Bruce-like finish to the far post.
A sublime kick with the back against the goal doubled the tally.
A left foot drive that rocked the right post before flying into the goal.
Lastly, a spectacular bicycle kick after beating 3 opponents.
Hell, it was shiok. Confidence in terms of football was on a high.

But Murphy's Law states that what can go wrong, will go wrong.

Siqiang said,
"u know what....
actually u got into the first team u know
when they send out the mail for the 15 people to go for the fitness test
then coach say this 15 is sure in first team...."

Freak. Another missed chance. IA intervened and I knew I couldn't commit. I didn't even receive that email.

Folks,
Dr. Swarup has selected his worthy 15s!
Consider yourself as one of the fitter players among the team (at least for now) if your name appears below.
1. Lim Aik Leong
2. Ng Zhi Wei
3. Jonathan
4. Oh Jin Jie
5. Ming Wei
6. Yizhou
7. Robin 1
8. Chris
9. Alloy
10. Fahmi
11. Jeffery
12. Kai Le
13. Jerrard
14. Robin Goh
15. Ang Qihua Shaun

Aik Leong is no surprise. I thought Kaile is amazing for all his smoking tendencies. I'm surprised Yao Yang isn't in there. Very surprised. Read 7. Robin 1. I don't know why there's a "1" after my name. But there are only two Robins. And the other one is already in the list. So NUMBER SEVEN is me. Sigh... things don't work out sometimes. Or rather, things don't work out most of the time.

Missed chances. How many more would pass by before I decide to take action and pounce on these oppotunities?!

Wilson already said "In life, most people regret the things they've not done rather than the things they've done."

I hate the way I'm so scared. Help me hate me.

Literature And The Insane Poet

2006-08-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

"From him, I learnt that a welcome is no mere hello nor farewell a simple goodbye. It is so richly and appropriately expressed."

Minister of State for Education, Rear Admiral Lui Tuck Yew quoted above with reference to the brilliance of JRR Tolkien.

Literature is an art. It is a piece of imaginative and creative written work. Literature is of recognised value. Through literature, we understand the ways of society, master the language in which the work was written in and we appreciate the simple things in life more.

"We memorise portions of literary work. Not because we have to, not because of rote learning, not because it is drilled into us, but because we want to. Years later, we can still regurgitate portions of it simply because we have allowed it to percolate and to resonate inside us." - RAdm Lui

There were times, I was regretful about the fact that I could not make it to the triple pure science stream back during Secondary Two - my ambition was to be a doctor. In the end, I ended up doing literature instead. But thinking back, I am glad to have been given this chance to work under Mr Macdonald from Canada. Here was a teacher who was very different from my previous ones and although he wasn't really my favourite, he was youthful, vibrant and most of all, idealistic with the teaching profession. As a literature-cum-form-teacher, he was kindly and never one to impose an "I'm your teacher and you're my student" stand - which is why now I can repeat words of his that have left a lasting impression.

Literature back then was torturous. Naturally, I didn't do very well then, barely passing most of the time. Yet towards the end of my secondary school years, I was beginning to enjoy Macbeth more and more, understanding and appreciating Shakespeare's almost unparalleled genius. Of course, there were other works I enjoyed - 'Midsummer's Night Dream' and 'Romeo & Juliet'. Due to the fast paced living, office politics and a general I-fight-formyself-attitude, I always felt that Macbeth is a read that is very much suited to the modern times.

I once argued with Chris that a brief brush with the study of literature has helped me more with appreciating movies. His stand was that even though he hadn't studied literature before, he would still be able to enjoy the show enough. Forgive me but I have this impression that people just go and catch a show just for entertainment. Now I just wonder what is the whole point behind it if you just catch a show and do not learn anything about it? For me after stepping out of the theatre in awe, I reflect how the movie's themes can make me a better person. I imagine putting myself through the dilemma as faced by the lead and how I would be able to cope with it should it happen in future.

Now don't get me wrong, I probably have watched far less movies than all of you. I also identify with the fact that I haven't indulged in good books for a long time. Idealistic as I may be, I'm still the very much flawed person that you all know. Maybe I have blasted at you sometimes in this life before, maybe I have passed snide remarks, maybe I have said things out before they have been processed through the brain. But it was all for a good cause.

Having disgressed a little, I shall return now to say that literature has helped me much in maintaining ideas for short essays like the one I'm writing now in my blog. If you have read my first few entries, you would have realised that one of the reasons for this space is to exercise my love for writing. I know, however, that content-wise, I am a little falling backwards because of my reluctance to pick up a book. I write things based on personal experience, I also write a little poetically sometimes - but that's because I cannot play any musical instruments.

I'll leave with just one last quote for you all from RAdm Lui.

"When you read widely, you are exposed to that range of emotions. It becomes part of you even if you have not experienced it for yourself"

An a quote for myself....

"Out, damned spot!"

Updates

2006-08-06T01:42:00.000+08:00

Okay, just a quick one before I head for the bed.

Hmm. Think my family is like some rich family that is always shown on the television. No, don't get me wrong. My family isn't rich. Well, I used to love to think that my family is rich. But I don't think so now.

So why do I feel like my family is like those rich families that gets shown on TV? Well, maybe because we have a family business - everyone's business becomes everyone else's. Like how I will care for how my younger cousins are doing in their studies. Like how my uncles bother us so much about our work. Even when my brother is going to do medicine in NUS, there's a lot of concern about whether there's enough money to tide him through this period of education.

Yup. My family is like those big rich families you see in TV. I just realised how lucky I am to have all my financial needs taken care of (even when I'm already 23). I just hope that my brothers know how much money have been invested into their education - even more than mine. Haha. Yeah, I know I cocked up somewhere during my entire education period, that's why not so much effort is put into me.

That said, a new group of people have just started a new phase in their education - the university life. My doc-to-be-bro is one of those. And my hall has a brand new batch of freshies for me to play with. Somehow, I can't wait for IBG soccer to start.

I'll leave with this thing that's bugging me. Ever wondered why some people just leave a smile with you? They just bring this infectious happiness with them wherever they go. Naturally people like to be with them. But somehow, I felt a little reluctant going back for ghost walk the other night. Strange.

Music is like...

2006-07-28T00:17:00.000+08:00

Car Racing.

It's the driver that is important. No matter how powerful or fast the car is, you should be the one in control. If you let the car be in control. You will skid and cause an accident.

Unfortunately, the one in control is Yoshiki. And he's driving into a wall at 300km/h. And I'm in the car, on Xtasy.

But I feel the tears falling down.

You're Just An Illusion

2006-07-25T23:58:00.000+08:00

Days of joy, days of sadness, slowly pass me by

As I try to hold you, you are vanishing before me

You're just an illusion

When I'm awakened, my tears have dried in the sand of sleep

I'm a rose blooming in the desert
____________________________________________________

From the start, I knew it was wrong. It could be anyone's fault. But maybe because I'm too weak.
____________________________________________________

I see red, I see blue

But the silver lining gradually takes over

When the morning begins

I'll be in the next chapter
____________________________________________________

Too weak.
I know I'll never find the art of life.
I know I'll awake one day to be insane forever.
Maybe I wouldn't even want to wake anymore...

Random Stuff

2006-07-13T20:21:00.000+08:00

IA question:
Peak Motus and Qualisys are amazing motion capture systems that enables sports scientists to analyse the sporting performance of athletes in various sports. Except that they use different data formats. They are essentially software/hardware products of two different companies who want to protect their own customer base. And because of that, I have been dropped a major bomb to solve this problem - how do we make both data formats to be applicable mutually as well as in another software, AnyBody? (Jack, you might find this question amateurish...)
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My second Saucony has finally finished its course. Its durable outsole at heel area has worn off. Its nice toecap finish is finally peeling. The whole front sole is coming apart. The ends of the laces are worn off. Its wave-shaped logo that was originally grey, is not yellow. This pair of shoes have spent the past three years with me in most of my runs. I'll probably remember it best as the pair that accompanied me through the gruelling AHM training in 2003.

About time I call Godfrey. Anyone else wants to get Asics running shoes?! Contact me!
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Baybeats at the Esplanade this weekend. Never been inside the place itself, plus this time the show looks interesting enough with local acts, bands from neighbouring Malaysia and some of those that have performed around the world. Should I go? Sigh, nobody accompany...
______________________________________________________

IA's been okay so far as the week is nearing the end. Even managed to squeeze out time last night to meet Wendy. Long time never see already. Still damn white. Maybe what Wilson said is right, maybe people just come and go. But still it's nice to have substitutes available sometimes. Am I right, MJ and JM?
______________________________________________________

I am still oh-so-going-nowhere with this feeling.

JC Is A Genius Too

2006-07-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

JC is a genius.

I don't mean the JC writing this entry (the JC writing this entry is an idiot) - I mean Jesse Cook. One tiring night after training, Shaun and I were on our way home in the train. He stuck his earphone into my ear and told me to listen. Immediately I became hooked on to the magical guitar melody that rushes me back and forth like the soothing waves of the sea.

Jazz. A sound that I once felt was very difficult to understand. A sound that is painful to digest. Jesse Cook made it possible for me to actually appreciate its art form. His music though doesn't really classify solely under jazz. The well-travelled man who spent his childhood in Canada is described a musicalogical sponge. A sponge absorbs and so does he.

Quoted from an interview by Chris Gaspar in June2005.

"This Canadian instrumentalist, composer, arranger and producer have spent a lifetime listening and absorbing sounds from cultures as diverse as Spain, Africa, Cuba, Egypt, France and Brazil. Best described as a "musicological sponge", his captivating style masterfully blends different types of world music, mystically cascading rhythms and melodies at an enamoring pace."

For me, his works isn't really jazz. It's a mix. It's really flamenco or something or whatever word you think of when you listen to it. I think Latin, but I'm not sure. I'm not really that musically inclined. However, I think I know what's good. I have an idea of what I like. And Jesse Cook is one of them. I think Cuba, Africa and Brazil comes into mind when one listens to some of his works such as "Mario Takes A Walk". Guitars. Check. An assortment of percussion instruments such as congas, bongos, triangle, shaker. Check. What's amazing is the speed at which the instruments are played. Plus JC's unique technique of treating the guitar as one of the percussion intruments. And of course, arrangement plays a big part too. Especially with so many notes and everything.

Speedy tracks like "Mario Takes A Walk", "Tempest", "Breeze From Saintes Maries" are enthralling. "Nomad" is one of my favourite ones. Slow tracks such as "Breathing Below The Surface" are good to listen to at night. Well, in fact, all are good to listen to at night.

I know what you all are thinking. X Japan or Jesse Cook? I know, I know. Mingjun mentioned how my tastes changed over the years. From boybands, chinese pop, radio rock, RHCP, then X Japan, Yoshiki's classics and then now Jesse Cook. Although I'm ashamed of having listened to industry-churned crap, I feel that at least it is important for me to have matured my tastes.

As for the X Japan/JC debate, it's still X Japan. X Japan speaks to me. The wildness, the calmness. The effeminate nature of Yoshiki, the tame "girl", that turns into a fiery beast behind the drums. How he may seem a docile creature (his femine appearance) with nothing to hate and yet all his fury unleashed in tracks like "Rose of Pain", "Sadistic Desire" and "Silent Jealousy". I think it is very me - like a hunger infested wolf when I take to the football field.
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I had fun today in the sun though at Sentosa. Not much chances like these for some time. Working life robs one of his/her freedom to be playful. I enjoyed nonetheless.

And oh, drop me an msn if you want to check out any of Jesse Cook's works.

Idiot

2006-07-07T03:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, guys are just idiots. Myself included. We just don't know what we want.

So many times, we hang on to things that we should have let go. So many times, we hear of friends who refuse to wake up. Sometimes, the joy is no longer there but I continue to play football for old times sake. Sometimes, my muscles are tired and my joints are screaming in pain but I carry on.

Sometimes we can't decide. Adidas or Nike? Friends or family? Work or play? Rock or classical? Scream or shut up? Yoshiki or X Japan? To hold back or to give all?

Now if only there's this direction arrow above me just like in the game "Crazy Taxi" that tells me what to do next....

Some World Cup Thoughts

2006-07-04T00:38:00.000+08:00

May the football Gods ensure that Portugal doesn't win the World Cup. I know it's unfair to the likes of Figo and Deco. But C.Ronaldo turns me off. Never would I put a friendship to the test like what he did to Rooney. Never should anyone else. It's so sad because Ronaldo is a decent player but as a Man Utd fan, he really should go. I'd sell him for Joaquin.

In life, it isn't about winning. Nor is it about winning the World Cup. It's about winning respect.

Brazil went crashing out against France. I thought Brazil gave France, especially Zidane too much respect. They seemed afraid of the 1998 - afraid of history. But I thought Carlos Alberto Parreira should have dropped those that weren't really giving their best for the team. He failed to bring the best out of his stars - namely Ronaldinho. I felt that if there was a need, Kaka should be dropped. Yes, Kaka, one of my favourite players.

I always felt that although Kaka is an exciting player going forward, he isn't suited to battle out in midfield for the team. Kaka stifles Ronaldinho's creativity, and I'd choose Ronaldinho over Kaka anytime. He lacks the close control and a dimension to his game. Unlike Zidane, Kaka only thinks of going forward when he gets the ball. At club level, Kaka had Cafu and Shevchenko to support his forward runs. But with Brazil, Fat Boy Ron doesn't equal Sheva's workrate, Ronaldinho's static at times, and Cafu is now old and slow in the heat. Kaka should have been replaced by Robinho or Juninho - for movement off the ball or solidity, respectively.

Germany looks favourites to win now. They've improved from game to game. And their strikers have finally "grown up". Especially Podolski. I saw him during Euro 2004 but felt he was still rather raw, on the other hand, Bastian Schweinsteiger was already impressing then. Together with Philip Lahm, Germany's left wing is really scary.

However, I'd support my second favourite international team, Italy now. It's been years for them. Many felt that their quarter final slot was undeserved with the "penalty" that kicked Socceroos out. I beg to differ. History is such that Italians are natural defenders - masters of the art of Catenaccio. In fact, I thought the Italians played a lot better than the Australians before the red card of Marco Materazzi, having many chances that Luca Toni failed to convert. I also thought that the red card was just as unjustified as the penalty. However, as smart players, what Italy (with 1 man down) did was the right thing - since it's hard to outplay with the lack of 1 man, solid defending first, then wait for a break a the oppenent's end with freekicks and penalties. With set piece experts like Andrea Pirlo and Francesco Totti, why not play the way they did?? Thus, my support goes to Italy.

My greatest regret though would be the fact that Paolo Maldini wouldn't be with them if they win the tournament. Yet, I know Maldini's spirit, work ethics, love for the game, professionalism lives in many of the current Italian players. Those like Gattuso, Pirlo, Nesta, Cannavaro, Zambrotta would surely dedicate the World Cup to the Milan legend, should the Azzuri emerge champions of the world.

Alright, that's about it for now. With beloved Brazil out, my heart goes to the Azzuris. I realised too that I've been putting in too many football-related entries, I hope this will be the last one for some time to come. Hopefully, some new writing inspiration comes and I can talk about other stuff too.

I want to believe that my life isn't all about that sickening ball...

Nevermind

2006-06-28T21:32:00.000+08:00

Kena fuck again at training today. Nevermind. Don't get fuck won't get to learn. Fuck me more thank you.

2-0

2006-06-25T17:44:00.000+08:00

Remember I once said when it comes to football, I hate losing? There are also others like Aik Leong and Zhiwei. They are those that really go crazy when their teammates aren't performing to standards. As in, they start giving people the hairdryer treatment when things don't go too well. I suppose it is this main reason that triggered off the half time talk by Zhiwei yesterday when we played against NUS.

"I don't mind you all not playing well. But when I fuck someone, please don't go and tell that person it's okay it's okay. It's not okay at all." He told the team with an agonizing, pleading look.

Strangely, I'm on the end of some hairdryer treatment. Most of the time from Aik Leong. I'm fine with it. Just that it gives me stress. These days I don't play with that I-can-kill-you-if-you-piss-me attitude anymore. Maybe that has given my oppenents a slight edge when it comes down 50-50 challenges. SQ said I'm too soft. Shaun said I lack confidence. Leslie said I was disappointing. Sigh, the things that one bloody ankle injury can do to you...
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Anyways, yesterday was a pretty good day. The morning match ended 2-0 in our favour. I spent the afternoon cleaning my football stuff. It's kinda therapeutic. And evening went to meet Chris to go to Huiyun's birthday party. Went to Aloy's place for the first time also. His house is freaking neat! Mine's a mess, it's irritating.

I hope I didn't spoil it for Huiyun though. I think we carried the joke a bit too far yesterday. Hmm... must clear things out if given the chance.

It was quite fun nonetheless. I suppose if not for things like that, it's difficult to meet up with those who have graduated.

I couldn't sleep last night again. Even though I woke early at 7 to go to NUS. Even though I had a tiring match. Even though I wasn't feeling well. Too much fun maybe? Or was it the surprise?

Can't Stop

2006-06-16T03:14:00.000+08:00

Can't stop staying awake. Can't sleep. Can't stop thinking random stuffs. Can't help feeling that I'm the worst player at training. Can't give a good cross. Can't beat this player. Can't win the tackle. Can't believe I'm still awake after the mad training. Can't win. Can't afford to lose. Can't believe I'm not sleeping in this rainy weather. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep.
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I believed if time passes, everything turns into beauty.
If the rain stops, tears clean the scars of memory away.
Everything starts wearing fresh colours.
Every sound begins playing a heartfelt melody.
Jealousy embellishes a page of epic.
Desire is embraced in a dream.
But my mind is still in chaos and ...

No "I" In "Team"

2006-06-11T14:23:00.000+08:00

Some people will never succeed, nor gain respect from others. These are the people who are self-interest motivated, lack focus and feed on others' success. Very often, they are the people who go through the motion, do the acceptable minimum, and lack initiative. In a team, these are the people who do not play their roles well and can never be counted upon for a spark of ingenuity. They aren't necessarily the good-for-nothings in the team but in the end, they create stress and frustration amongst teammates because they feed on the success of the team, which eventually, causes the team to lose focus and being unable to achieve a desired output or meet a required dateline.

A team wins because every member within itself works for the ultimate goal. Everyone shares an equal vision. Be it the completion of a project, securing a contract or winning the Champions League. Look at what happens to Manchester United when Cristiano Ronaldo is in one of his showy moods. Remember how Juventus crashed out of the Champions League when Zlatan Ibrahimovic decides that the pitch is a nicer place to sleep than the bed in his room?

Being self-interest motivated (or reward driven) is not necessarily a bad thing. However, when coupled with the lack of focus, the problems come rolling in. I use the Cristiano analogy again. Every footballer wants to win the league in which his club competes in and Cristiano isn't different. However, there are also defenders from Chelsea who want to win too. But just because these players are from Chelsea and that it gives temporary pleasure in doing a couple of stepovers to fool them, doesn't mean that it gives Cristiano a right to do so. Sometimes, a simple pass splits the defence would do the trick. That's where Cristiano switches focus and becomes self-interest motivated just because he is jealous of Chelsea's success (or for whatever reason).

Many times, these distractions or loss of focus do not happen just like that. They happen because of external factors - people with power to influence (your Dad, your friends, your girlfriend), situations that are beyond control (falling ill, falling down), et cetera. Remember a certain Mr Beckham who fell out with his mentor because of a certain Mrs Beckham who preferred her husband to live a celebrity lifestyle? Another example of human influence is very well-exemplified in the famous Shakespeare play "Macbeth". In the story, Lady Macbeth, spurred on by the ambition of limitless power and wealth, influences her husband to kill the king to usurp the throne. This is why, during examinations, it is good to get away from places with the most distractions, like places with gaming facilities.

Sadly, it is almost impossible to avoid having such a person in a team. Even the most successful teams tend to inevitably possess a bad apple. It was the saddest moment for music when Toshi decided to call it quits as lead vocalist from X-Japan. It is a well-known myth that Toshi's friend, Masaya, who creates "healing music" helped influence his departure from the band. Toshi too had gotten to tired of constantly being in the shadows of Yoshiki and hide, which caused the band to lose this very important quality of possessing an equal vision. In the end, X-Japan disbanded.

I may be wrong, but I forsee a very similar outcome with Shaun Wright-Philips the Chelsea reserve right-winger. Having enjoyed success of winning back to back EPL titles and monetary rewards there will bound to be jealous and disgruntled teammates, especially should he slacken off during training sessions. Poor him, unable to have regular games with Chelsea, is now also dropped from the England World Cup team - a first sign of not too good things to come. Whether or not he survives will depend on his mental toughness and whether or not he loses sight of his long term goal - to have a wonderful footballing career.

EID is coming to an end tomorrow. It has taught me lessons in many things. Not just engineering, not just practical aspects, but also the vital factors in making a powerful and strong team. In whatever responsibilities I uptake in future, I will look back at this date, and ensure that my selection of teammates are of "championship material", to form a formidable team such as that of Manchester United of 1999...
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One point to note - It's a fine line between being tolerant and hypocritical.

I Can't Play The Songs

2006-06-08T00:36:00.000+08:00

Some songs cannot be heard again.

"Stay" - Lisa Loeb
"Back For Good" - Take That
"Was It Something I Didn't Say?" - 98 Degrees
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Fortunately, FK, JJ and Chris accompanied me for a run last night. It was great. It was great reliving 'Water Drop'!! Although technique wasn't there anymore after 2 years of not doing it. But the feeling of free fall still sent shudders through me.

Fear - sometimes we need to feel it to know how weak we actually are.

Look who's needy now...

I Try

2006-06-06T02:24:00.000+08:00

Results are out today. Naturally there will be some peopl disappointed. Naturally there are those who aren't in the best of moods. There are those who are desperately in need for a run. I know sometimes things don't go too well. But there's always a run to turn to.

My results are okay. I'm glad I didn't fail anything. Surprisingly, I scored a B for the last paper. Beats me too. No idea what the hell happened. Slight improvement from the previous semester. But the improvement is too slow. I need drastic improvements to get my chances of 2nd class upper honours higher!! Okay, I'm greedy. But who isn't?

I just realised I jumped into this post without a topic to talk about. So maybe this could be one of those entries I'm going to find shitty in 10 years time. But I'm too bored now. Just felt a need to write down some principles I try to adhere to.

1. Studies/Career. For now it's the studies. I've been trying close to my best. I know I can do a lot better. Can't wait for the chance of another exam.

2. All roundedness. Yep. If the olden scholars/princes of China can do it, I don't see why I can't. Drawing bamboo, playing music, writing poetry, martial arts, studying, running the state. I'll be hugely glad to be able to do well in my studies/career, football, and playing amethyst on the piano.

3. To be nice. I know. I know. Nice people lose. All the time. But I try lah. No point being blunt sometimes and then hurt others' feelings. Of course, sometimes certain things people do to you are hard to take but I believe by swallowing it down, taking a step back, and understand that he/she is such a person, you can be able to tolerate the things he/she do better.

4. Spend time with my family. They are damn busy lah. I'm not good with words. And I don't know how to treat them. But I try to be home for dinner during weekends.

5. Spend time with friends. Not all friends. Just those who need me and I need them. Those that I can yell my lungs out to. Those whom I don't mind listening to their yells. Those that have a tad interest in my interests.

Note the above are not in priority. Just that I happen to think of the first ones first. Yeah, I'm trying.

I Like Running, Don't You?

2006-06-04T11:33:00.000+08:00

Looks like I like running metaphorically...

Don't know why I keep turning to the football. Is it because it listens to me better? God knows why the hell I ended up training with the soccer IVPs last Thursday... Damn they are good. They really put me in my place when it comes to reading the game, positioning, passing and a whole lot of other aspects. But of course, the dribbling session comes easily to me. Don't ask me why.

It's Sunday today and I rejected offers to play football with the Serangoon gang. I already had a game yesterday at NUS with ex-campmates and their friends. We started playing at around 4pm and ended at 7 plus. Of course there were breaks in between when we lost to the teams. In fact, I think we lost almost all our games. Cannot blame though, my team weren't seasoned footballers. And one man (me, hahaha) alone can't do much. Nevertheless, it was fun meeting up with EK and Weng again. It's nice to be around the intellectuals for a change. Bloody hell, nobody cap score consistently 4-point-something one lah...

Speaking of results, mine will be out in a couple of days. Now I'm really feeling the nervousness. I really fear for my final paper. I think I really did quite badly for it. And the chances of failing is high. Damn sad. Shouldn't have been that way. Just a little distractions that fateful fortnight, and it may just cost me one module. Sigh... I'm just too weak... Weak in the mind. Weak in discipline. Weak in making decisions. Weak in committing.

HAHAHA! It's raining now. Luckily I didn't go Serangoon to play football. Or else will have to cycle home in the rain again. Not that I minded actually. Sometimes it's nice to feel the wrath of the weather. To feel minute all over again. To feel small. To realise that somethings are beyond my control. To use this fact, console myself and say that sometimes I'm just unlucky. But cleaning up the bicycle is a chore.

Yup, I like running. Fast or slow doesn't really matter. Pace can be altered to suit the needs of the training session or the people you run with. Alone or with people doesn't matter too. Alone gives you some peace and tranquility. With buddies gives a sense of belonging and feeling of existence. I rarely run nowadays. But I plan to do a little tonight when I return to hall. Most of all, I like running......... metaphorically.

Monotony - A love/hate relationship

2006-05-26T02:12:00.000+08:00

Was chatting with Marianne for a few nights and how I described my refusal to sleep. Siqiang says it's down to the fact that the subconcious mind telling me that it's the holidays and that nobody sleeps early during the hols. I beg to differ citing that it is this "waiting for something to happen" feeling that is bogging me every night before I finally am unable to muster strength to stay awake. Upon hearing such a ridiculous reason, Marianne offered to bring me to a doctor. A shrink to be more exact.

Tonight is another of those nights. Come to think of it, the holidays have moved quickly and now it has already been one month after my last paper. Thinking back, I don't really remember anything worth noting except maybe the nightcycle with my sec sch friends. And of course the interview with SSC. I am successful with the interview but I suppose it boils down to luck as I know I didn't really convince my future supervisor to pick me for the job.

So that's about it. One month of holidays. Spent in school doing EID. Sometimes EID is rather fun. Most times it's tiring, especially with my current sleeping condition. Basically, it's been monotonous. Football is boring now, even though I had a hell of a game couple of days back. Running in NTU at night isn't same too. It looks a lot more deserted now.

Monotony has been my life since don't know when. I wasn't allowed to run out and play at the playground as a kid. I didn't know what it's like to go out with friends till secondary school. I didn't know how I spent my days then. And even till JC, I didn't like going out. I think it is all due to this particular NPCC camp during sec 4 when I believed all of us had a lot of fun. In fact, too much fun, such that the day I returned home, I didn't know what to do. I remember spreading myself on the living room floor, staring blankly at the ceiling, floating in and out of conciousness.

I think I'm kind of afraid to have too much fun now. Fun is addicting. And not having it gives withdrawal symptoms. Then you start thinking too much. When it's time you grow up and work most of your days away, what will happen to the brain mentally?

I'm not saying having 'hair-raising' days isn't good. I long to have my own. But I'm like the Titanic now. Once a symbol of luxury when enjoyment is all that matter but now sunken into the depths of the ocean, unable to muster strength do sail the seas again.

My friends ask me what are my plans for this hols. It's always the same answer - training for IPPT, playing football, watching football, meeting up and having supper. Really a nice monotonous life. This summer holidays is slightly different though. No more 'kovan kids' gatherings at Flower Road. No more insightful discussions. No more morning swims, gym sessions and runs. No chance for a friday Catalans vs Khatib game. Even Champions League Final was spent in the monotony of hall.

I should have someone else plan my days such that I don't have a choice. Like those days during my time in SPT. Morning runs, Standard Obstacle Course, Combat Physical Fitness Test, Lifesaving 1/2/3, Rappelling.... At least, things are exciting in a monotonous way.

Monotony - my love /hate relationship doesn't end after this holidays. I don't think it will ever end. Like how Wilson puts it, "I'm killing time, and it is returning the favour - second by second, breath by breath..."

I may be wrong again but I never could be so wrong

2006-05-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt I really failed MP2008. Bloody hell. Yet I woke up without feeling a tinge of cold sweat. Something must be wrong.

I keep having flashbacks of images of night cycling 2006. I don't know why. The memories kept replaying in mind the whole day today. I think I have a reason to that but then again, something might be wrong.

I take a walk back to March/April 2003 - slightly more than 1 year serving the SAF. After about 4 - 5 yrs of wasted emotion, it was time I faced the hard reality. In fact, in December the previous year, there were already signs of what was to happen. It happened. There was nothing I could do. Nothing to turn to. Nothing except football.

I thought that was a pretty bad period in my life. Friends who knew about things to come kept the truth from me, just because they didn't want me to feel crap and stuff. But it felt bad all the same. Being the last to know everything. Feels like shit. Feels like I'm being joked around. Feels like being the freaking football that is kicked about and punished for no particular reason.

So I played football. I played hard. I took it out all on the ball. I remember the time when the Khatib Camp ball was so deflated, it looked pathetic. I played everyday. I wouldn't say I'm good but I was better than my campmates then (save Ronald Chai). I boasted when I won. I sulked when I lost. And even when I lost, I won because I kicked the bruises out of my campmates. I thought if anything, football is the source for happiness. I thought I'd never stop enjoying football. When the ball was at my feet, I was divinity in motion. I played with that annoying air of arrogance. I was a bastard.

Now, three years on. After realising the "Catalans", discovering the fun of Parry, 2 Interhall disappointments, 2 Interblock disappointments, 1 right knee tendonitis, a back injury, 2 major ankle sprains, getting myself kicked all over, returning the kicks to the others, taking the mickey out of defenses (as Wilson puts it), getting myself owned on the field, I'm finally tired. Exhausted. To hell with Joga Bonito. These days, I never fail to get angry when my team isn't playing well. Never.

I never realised I could be so wrong. Then, I kept insisting that football is happiness. Fact is, I don't feel joy of playing football anymore. Divinity in motion my foot. It's more like escapism of highest order. I realised I just want to win. I'm addicted to winning. And if I don't, I get angry. Frustrated. Sore loser. Bloody bastard.

Maybe that's the reason for the recurring images of nightcycling 2006 - it was dreamy-like happiness whilst seemingly going nowhere.

Now, I've come a full circle. I'm zombie-like. I'm enigamatic. I'm mysterious even to myself. I don't know what to do with a football at my feet anymore. Just like how I don't know what to do with people. Just like how I don't know what to do with my life.
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Oh, my Dahlia, I'm in the Rose Of Pain.

Please save me from this Rusty Nail that has Stabbed Me In The Back.

Blue Blood is dripping like Endless Rain.

Without You, I can't dry my Tears.

Free me from this Sadistic Desire.

Take the Phantom Of Guilt away.

Drain my Silent Jealousy.

Xcuse my Voiceless Screaming.

Sing me The Last Song.

Complete the Unfinished me.

Make me Alive again.

Tell me the Art Of Life...

What does it mean..

2006-05-09T17:59:00.000+08:00

when the stars are there to see but aren't there to keep?

when there will come a time when we will have our last meal?

when we know we want to see so many things but all we take is a peep?

when it's not supposed to be but we can't help but feel?

when people celebrate our birth and lament our death, yet we're forgotten for centuries to come?

when we say time tells but know that it doesn't necessarily heal?

when our timelines meet and intersect only just but will soon diverge and come undone?

I wanna listen to Amethyst played.

On piano.

Live.

Again.

Where We Are Headed To

2006-05-06T11:31:00.000+08:00

My examinations have officially ended. But I just couldn't breathe the usual huge sigh of relief. The recollections kept whizzing by, the memories that will never be forgotten. It has been a week of mixed feelings. I couldn't help but felt that I was already thinking about how this semester's results would be the best in my 2 years in NTU. Plus, midweek came the good news of my shortlisting for the interview with Singapore Sports Council for industrial attachment. Then, everything came collapsing down after Wednesday, my Math paper. I got complacent, lazy and tired. By Thursday night, I was panicking for my last paper. And I think I blew it. What a cockster - I never learn from mistakes.
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Alright, I had wanted to write something about Singapore and everything couldn't have come at a better time with the elections going on. Be mindful, though, what triggered this thought about wanting to write about Singapore has nothing to do with the ongoing elections. It has more to do with one Sunday afternoon at the market in Hougang.

I was with my mum and we were buying stuff home. The market was packed! But what truly stood out was the fact that that place was an eyesore. Maybe it was an eyesore just to me. It wasn't what I'd like to see Singapore headed to. The people selling stuff and working there, did not look like they were enjoying life. The people going there for some market shopping did not look good too. If all these people suddenly turned into giant ants, I wouldn't be half surprised.
Hell, it shortly dawned upon me that, "damn, I'm one of them".

I have a vision. That everyone in this country is enjoying a really really high standard of living. Everyone - except those who refuse to put in effort in contributing to the society. They can live in ants' nest for all I care. But how high is high? Picture this, high enough not just material-wise high (it is possible for everyone to be financially secure), but also spiritually happy. I see myself finally able to stand at the balcony, glass of ice wine in hand, loved one by the side, cool breeze at night, Yoshiki's sensual music flowing like water into my ears, feeling a sense of pure inner peace.

I share this vision. I'm not selfish. I want a country of culture. Everyone should have the chance to drink that glass of ice wine. But I wonder sometimes, where do the rest see themselves in 10 years time? It is only when everyone aims for that one common vision and work towards it, then we will be able to achieve. I speak from experience. Look at my road relay team. Divided individuals - we didn't even compete in the last competition.

For that, we need a powerful leader. Somebody like Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Like Roy Keane/Sir Alex Ferguson to Manchester United. Not JJ Lin, not Singapore Idol, not Superstar, not Superband, not Jack Neo, not Miss Singapore Universe, not Mediacorp. We need someone who can show the lost souls of Singapore where to head next. The thing is I think I know where I want to head, but I'm not powerful enough to lead the rest there...

You know people better through tough times.

2006-04-21T13:40:00.000+08:00

Examinations are a happy period where I can get to know my friends better by forming groups to study together. Sometimes I can't help but enjoy this period of time and it all started with last semester studying together with Tomio, Junwei, Rushan and gang.

This time round the group changed, the numbers got bigger, but I still enjoy the presense of others as much. Plus this time round, I get to know more interesting people, such as Frankie. Dumbass of a commando.

Of course, there are some people who don't really leave a good impression. And last night justifies my opinion about how fucked up you are. I am quite patient with inconsideration but this time round, I just feel like exploding.

No. Don't tell me to talk about it. I don't want to. Because I'm afraid of the expletives that I spew. And no. I'm not afraid to hurt you with my expletives. I'm afraid I lose again because you cry.

Crunch Time

2006-04-14T03:10:00.000+08:00

Alright, it's 3 days to my first paper. Been doing quite a lot of studying lately but somehow, I seem to feel that I have not done enough. I have basically covered everything about MP2011 but I still don't know how to judge how much I actually know about it.

Damn tired lately. Exhausted to be exact. Having to go to bed with a headache and sore neck from all the studying. And then waking up the next day again to indulje in the sea of notes.

Plus, I don't if it is good or bad news to see that tiny speck out there in the sea. It's there at the horizon. But it's not moving. And I'm not getting anywhere near it too. Sigh. These things happen whenever exams happen.

Alright wish me luck as I go into battle. I will not lose!

Financial Literacy - Something I Hope To Achieve Soon

2006-03-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

I just read Yiyang's entry about working 60 hrs a week and not getting rest. Then I saw Eric's MSN nick going "Objective: Secure a good job before going for graduate trip." It's so sad now to realise that I am racing towards the life of a working adult at rocket speed.

But like what Yiyang described, a 60 hr work week is mad. Shit, I hope I don't end up like that man. It's not even a matter of money. 60 hrs takes a lot away from the mental health. You stop listening to music, you don't enjoy your meals, you don't have time for your friends or family. And that is enough to drive one crazy. It is like serving NS again - the recruit period.

While there is always the occasional lament about the meagre pay associated with that first job that anyone is holding, I see that as a stepping stone - a rung on the ladder that will finally bring me to a state of financial independence. Yiyang is currently receiving 1.5k for the job he holds - that's a lot compared to the amount of pocket money I receive every month. Given that amount, I will probably survive with a thousand bucks every month to keep in the bank.

Of course, that amount will never be sufficient to make one financially independent. There are always bills to pay, and soon, the new house will require lots of maintenance. The house is not one's biggest asset, it is a liability. Where do you live if you convert your biggest asset to money?

This is where financial literacy comes in. The 1k you put in your bank doesn't remain there. It should be used to do work for you. Take it out and invest. Not gamble. Okay, investment is a sort of gamble but it is probably safer. The tricky part is where do you put your money in?

I don't know the answer too. Everyone will have their own ways and means to find their own income generating source. I don't know when I will start to learn. Hopefully, a year after into my working life, the sources start opening up and from there, I will be able to feed my family and live a comfortable life.

Of course, hopefully the health doesn't deteriote. Many things can go bad while you are on your way to financial freedom.
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Alright, that's all for now. The exams are looming. Hopefully I find sometime in between studying to put up some stuff here. But I'll be back after exams for sure, hopefully with more interesting stuff to talk about.

Finally An Update

2006-03-19T01:32:00.000+08:00

Although I doubt many people read this space, I shall still address this post to all the friends who have a tad interest in my life. Sorry for not updating THAT frequently but it seems that I'm running out of issues to talk about - plus I am certainly sure many of you do not want to read about what I ate for breakfast this morning. So here's a short update.

Studies - been doing more tutorials now but skipping loads of lessons. I shan't lie and say that I'm too tired to go to school on some days. I don't really know how to put it but I think I have lost some zest (if I ever had any) in life, such that there are days I just don't feel like climbing out of bed. But while this feeling does not go away, I will still try to catch up on the never ending tutorials. The Hall fellas keep saying how hardworking I am but I keep my feet firmly on the ground because hardwork doesn't always pay. All I know is I try my best for the coming exams and hopefully I improve again from the previous semester.

Football - Well, people keep telling me that I'm improving but I don't really know for sure. The lump on my left knee still hurts but at least I can play through the pain. Fighting for place in the Hall One team is tough and while I find myself being a little more brave on the field (especially after my double sprain), I still need people to tell me exactly what to do and not just tell me I played well or "not too bad".

Friends - Have kind of lost contact with my army friends but I suppose it's that time of the year when everyone's busy with exams again. My secondary school friends are so distant now I fear meeting up with them. Whilst in the past we had many common views on certain aspects of life, I believe I have already changed so much. What if ideas clash? Do I firmly insist on my idealistic beliefs? Do I nod and "yes yes, you are right"? I don't know. I admit I'm spending a lot of time with friends in Hall. Sometimes I feel that the group of us are just individuals that are "in shit together". Other times, I appreciate their presence. Yet, I still do not know how much influence will they be in my life after I graduate. People come and go I guess.

Relationships - Nil.
Somebody: "You never like any girl before meh?"
Me: "Got. Last time."
Somebody: "Doesn't seem like it. Now don't have? In Hall?"
Me: "Got but it doesn't matter now."
I don't think I'm picky. I think I'm too engrossed with myself at the moment - I don't see myself sharing, sacrificing my time with another. Besides, I suppose I come across as being too energetic to be stable and settled.

Well, that's about all for a short update. For those who are striving to do well in any area in life, especially for the coming exams....

Never compromise your dreams.
Never settle for less than best.
Because if you aim for a C or D, chances are high you end up failing.

Of course, the above is just a reminder to myself.

It Takes Really Strong Belief

2006-02-25T20:50:00.000+08:00

Not much progress in the mid term break. Managed to complete around 3 tutorials in school but was generally slack on Wednesday and Thursday. Clubbing is not really what I like but Thursday's Hall Bash was rather fun considering the madcap antics of the Gmaxes, namely Qimou. It was a pretty high night for me though I still insist I wasn't drunk.

After completing the 4th tutorial today, I was looking through some of my old stuff, ranging from secondary school contacts to the army photos. Can't help thinking of my days during the army when some friends were so close during the times of hardship and yet after completing the PTI course, we rarely make contact. Was thinking how sad sometimes people just come and go but then when I checked on my Johari window, I realised how come people quietly stand by you and keep themselves updated with information about you.

Of the pathetic 2 people who actually bothered to fill in my Johari window, one of them was Yukai - one of the most outstanding people I've met in terms of discipline. For that, I thank you for being around during the "unbearable" times during the 76 Basic Fitness Specialist Course.
________________________________________________

S. Rajaratnam passed away. I have to confess I didn't know who he is. I watched his funeral on Channel Newasia though and from what the people around him said, I gathered that he played a very important role in the building of Singapore.

I guess during the tough period when Singapore just turn independent, the people who could really make a difference were those who actually strongly believed in their ideals. I doubt my ability to be able to influence, to stand out and make a difference.

If I couldn't handle the situation of the road relay team, if I couldn't convince people of joining the team, if I couldn't force my way into the Hall One first team, what makes me capable of handling the challenges of life?

Maybe I didn't really believe strongly enough. I didn't go all out to do my best? Or did I try to do too many things at a time? Maybe I didn't believe that I could actually win.

This sucks, nowadays I don't even feel like getting out of bed. I think I've failed in too many areas in recent times. I need a confidence booster. I need to start winning something or doing well in something again to get me going.

One thing for sure, I cannot stay in this dejection for too long exams are looming again. If there should be someone who regrets, I have to make sure that person is not me.

I have a

2006-02-15T00:34:00.000+08:00

splitting headache...
And I'm bored.. I've got nothing better to do...
And I found this... http://kevan.org/johari?name=JCFong
I'm incoherent. I've a splitting headache.
Did I mention I have a splitting headache?
I think I'm terminally ill.

Finished

2006-02-13T00:31:00.000+08:00

On my way to Christopher's place today, I was observing the people on the MRT train. There was a cute baby, a cute little gal and a cute boy. It was nice watching them. The boy looks the sort that should already be in his lower secondary school. Although his mum was dragging him by the arm and giving firm instructions to where he should sit, he cuts the figure of a happy kid with a nice little cap.

He looks happy until he sounded his first cry for no particular reason. He kept looking at the screen above me. He pointed at it, he sounded his cry again. It then occured to me that he is a mentally challenged child. I felt so sad. Then I felt pity for his mum. Then I felt anger and anger is a pretty tame word to describe my feeling. Life is so damn unfair. Wtf man.

The day didn't get better. I missed my stop while observing them and had to make Chris wait for another 10 minutes or so.

The Hall Production was about to start and I was there in time. Well, at least in time to see my speedboat race away into the horizon. It became a speck. And then it vanished. I guess Eng Kiat was right. And Wilson too. I had waited again.

After the show, I saw an old man lying on the floor outside NAFA. He was sleeping. Or he was trying to sleep. Or he was trying to close his eyes to escape the world. I wondered what made him sleep there. I wondered if I would be like that in future.

I hate the way how we cannot control our fates. Damned life. Life gives you shit, you eat shit.

I have a quiz tomorrow that I haven't studied for. I wonder how I'm gonna cope the rest of the night.

Unfinished

2006-02-12T13:59:00.000+08:00

The fateful day has come and gone. It will be a long while before the kovan kids get together for some football watching sessions. And I wonder what's it like for the Parry field to miss the fluid football the kovan kids string together. But a guy has got to do what a guy has to do. All the best for your studies in New Zealand, Wilson.
________________________________________________________

My brother did well for his O levels scoring 11 points and will be going on to study Digital Media Design in NYP. A brave decision to move in a different direction from his two older brothers. And a decision that is not without a future too. From how I perceive, there will be chances to to go on to study in a local University and there is also decent job prospects.

It seems like pop culture is here to stay. For even though I may find it excruciating to see the likes of JJ Lin prancing like an idiot on TV or listening to the irritating cutesy voice of Cyndi Wang, there is always a bigger audience of pop than the people like me. In the end, I have to look at it this way - my brother is going to do something that is heavily related to "pleasing the teenage girls" and that his future depends on how well he manages to catch the trends of media design that can invoke these girls to demonstrate their spending power. And purely for this reason, I hope that the industry churn out more Jay Chous and JJ Lins.
________________________________________________________

Seems like these are the days when many of us will have to cry. So many of my friends are having to cope with difficulties in their lives be it work, friends, relationships. It is a trying period and this has coincided with the beginning of my listening to Yoshiki's classical pieces. "Amethyst", "Good Bye", "Without You", "Anniversary" and "Energy Flown" are tracks that will never cease to make me feel pure sorrow. Msn me if you want them.

Zhengwei said crying is nothing wrong. It is just being true to your feelings. So if you need to, go ahead and bawl. But after everything, wake up and realise that it is a new day. Though some things will never be forgotten, new memories will never cease to be created.

After all...

Whether the weather be fine, whether the weather be not
Whether the weather be cold, whether the weather be hot
We'll weather the weather whatever the weather
Whether we like it or not

Small Treat.Guaranteed Good.

2006-02-01T20:35:00.000+08:00

Which musician gets to write an original classical piece and perform it in front of his Emperor?

Which musician's music is adored and well received by Emperor Akihito and his wife, Empress Michiko?

Yoshiki Hayashi. Nov 1999, he performed his self composed "Anniversary" - to celebrate the Emperor's tenth anniversary of his enthronement.

How great it is to have your works acclaimed and appreciated by everyone??

By the way, who has got the full clip?

Okay, what's new?

2006-01-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year. What's new?

Ang Pao, mandarin oranges, Bak Kwa, goodies of all sorts, visiting, catching up with relatives that you only see once in a year. What's new?? Haven't we all been doing this since the sun shone on our backsides?

Ang Pao - what used to be the sole motivation for me as a kid to anticipate the arrival of CNY isn't that alluring anymore. I wonder if it's the realisation that the money is just a meagre amount as compared to the expenditure of a young adult. Or is it the case of realisation that this money is just the "come and go" type. I see it as a combination of both, plus the fact that receiving Ang Pao from older married cousins feels way weird...

Food galore! Food is a turnoff now. All the goodies and the sweet drinks make me feel lethargic. Feeling full for 24-hrs a day isn't really what I call enjoyable. Chances of falling ill is high in this period. But what I'm worried most is the fact that all these junk make my sporting performance off-par. Especially when I have the upcoming road relay race on the 4th of Feb.

Catching up with relatives can be a double-edged sword. I enjoy chats with cousins who were once so close to me. Playing with the young ones are fun too. But of course naggy and pokey relatives can often so invade much into your privacy.

Travelling around the island IS tiring - especially since I'm made the chaffeur now. Initially it feels great to drive my family around. But by late afternoon, it became really exhausting to do so. Hopefully my brother gets his license soon so that he can share my load the next time round.
Chinese New Year is rather boring - it is similar to someone telling you what he/she had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, how stress it is to study, how life sucks, how the lousy the lecturer was....

And for those who are enjoying, have a wonderful year of the dog.

Happy Lunar New Year.

Today

2006-01-22T23:33:00.000+08:00

This used to be an important day. At least to me. Hall One were represented in the track finals, competing in the 4x100, 4x400 and 4x800 mixed events. We didn't do very well even though our guy runners are on par with the rest in NTU. Think it all boils down to the girls - we really need to pull in some quality female athletes. Jieshi alone cannot do miracles. For the guys, we cannot always rely on Arthur. Afterall, we're not running "Individual Men's Open" - we're running a team event.

Like I said it used to be an important day but since 3 years ago, it should have ceased to become important. The mind however refuses to accept harsh facts. The brain always plays tricks by telling you false lies. However determined I was then, I could forget the past.

I take the first step today. Or so I choose to believe that I will take the first step today. This will probably be the first time I forget today and hopefully it will lead to many other times when I will forget.

Because, firstly it's high time I move on. Secondly, I think I've found what I want...

Lost The Drive

2006-01-15T02:32:00.000+08:00

I'll be brief. I think I lost the drive in leading the stupid road relay team. Maybe I'm just not up to it. Lack of motivation of runners have slowly made me feel like not putting any effort in the team again.

The track team did well too (although I was dropped from the 4x400 mens relay). Don't really understand, but maybe I was showing the kind of lack of commitment to the training too. Haven't been running in 2 weeks too.

Man Utd lost 1-3 to Man City. Arsenal thrashed Middlesborough 7-0. Wow. Like I've said, I'm always impressed by the attacking qualities of Arsenal. But as for Man Utd? I've nothing to say.

Okay. Shall end here, gotta sleep for tomorrow's mini game. Why bother about the EPL when I can play my own football?

Keep On Running

2006-01-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

The human body is made to run.

So said the much-respected 1WO Lem during my training days at School of Physical Training. He went on to explain painstakingly about how the respiratory system of the human body works, how energy is supplied to our physical needs, what type of energy is used for different activities. I vaguely remember terms like ATP, glycolysis and the quote above is the one I remember most.

I don't know why but I feel myself slowly fitting my feet into my parents shoes. Football may be the most exciting sport around but it is not worth it for a non-professional to sacrifice so much of his body for the love of the game. Yes, I'm talking about myself but probably this will apply to many other people whom I term "heartland footballers". The physical torture a footballer goes through is mad.

Check out "Aren't Boots Supposed To Protect Feet?" by Rob Hughes on The Straits Times, Saturday Jan 7 2006 pg S24. Poor Micheal Owen is now out with a broken metatarsal. So were Gary Neville, Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard and David Beckham recently in their careers. I can name many other footballers who have incurred life-changing injuries over the course of their careers. Thomas Brolin, the Swedish World Cup star. Roy Keane, ex-Manchester United captain (hip). Henrik Larsson, ex-Barcelona striker (leg broken twice). Ronaldo, the phenomenon (torn knee ligaments).

Sure these people are paid millions to do their job and I would agree that it is really worth it. But what about the others? People playing for NTU IVP? Those in the IH team? They aren't paid, and they suffer injuries professionals suffer. Poor Qibin has a knee beyond repair now. I have come to realise that maybe I should focus on running more now.

Now this brings me back to the above quote. Of course the distinct feature of the human body is that we are far more intelligent than the other animals on Earth (although I don't really think this applies for some people) but we all do need to keep our bodies healthy. We have all sorts of exercises ranging from kickboxing to swimming but I have to agree that the most natural sport for a human is running. Our legs are biomechanically engineered to move us forward. Our arms are weaker meaning we do not climb trees. We do not have flippers - swimming doesn't come naturally. Bicycles are invented long after we came into existence. So we are made to run.

I hate the way people complain about being fat yet when I suggest running to them, they give all sorts of excuses. People seek fast and easy solutions and that is where we often make mistakes. The fat did not appear overnight. Naturally it takes time to wear the fat off! Seriously, that is as much an ex-PTI can do. I can try to talk about the benefits of running till the cows come home and at most accompany people to jog sometimes but that is the most I can do. It is up to yourself to implement a change in mindset.

Mindset is such that if I concede that I am lazy and a slacker and that I suck in studying, I will never get good results academically. Sometimes I am surprised at the number of people saying that they are slack, it is almost sad. Everyone should fight Slackingitis. Including me.

More importantly, humans should do what we do best. Use our brains. And run.

You Don't...

2005-12-31T16:51:00.000+08:00

...stay up late to sing ktv even when you are sick.

...try to sing Jacky Cheung when you have a bad cough.

...wake up the next morning at 9 plus to meet friends for football after staying up late.

...cycle down to the meeting place hurriedly thinking you're late, but in fact, almost everyone else is later than you.

...play football when you're sick

... sprain your ankle during the last football game of the year.

...sprain the same ankle 3 times in a year.

... celebrate the New Year by staying home with a sprained ankle.

But, it is always nice to know you have friends that you can always count on. Special thanks to Junming for the outing, to Raymond for organising the football, to Bruce for providing the ball, to Chenchun for sending me back and the ointment, and the rest who've helped me some way or other.

It hasn't been the best of years. Academic results improve but there's more room for improvement. Poor injury management in the sports front though. Plus the disappointing loss in IBG football and a very bad showing for IHG football.

The year ends in another 7 hours. Hopefully I shake ALL my injury problems away in the new year.

Happy New Year my dear readers, and may everyone enjoy a successful and enjoyable 2006.

X Japan's Art Of Life

2005-12-30T11:52:00.000+08:00

When I had to leave Wilson's place early while the rest were probably spending a hell of a time watching football on Boxing Day night, I was feeling a tinge of regret. Something in me asked me "Where do your priorities lie?". I shrugged off the thought and cycled at top speed all the way home. The cool early morning air took over as I tried to enjoy the breeze as much as possible.

Lack of sleep that night, lack of water the next day during the hockey game, lack of sleep the night following that and I swiftly fell ill. The warning signs were there and on Thursday, I tried to drink as much as possible but to no avail. So here I am at home, having seen the doctor and listening to the best music in the world (or at least I've heard so far), still pondering about the outcome of the NPCC outing that I will be having later. I'm not really keen to meet up already - besides the fact that I'm not feeling well, how to have a good outing if you know that there wouldn't be a decent conversation?
_______________________________________________

I had a short of conversation a week or so back when I was told Jay Chou's "Feng" is the best song ever written. Almost instantaneously, I thought sarcastically, "Yeah and when the next Jay Chou album comes out in the market, there's going to be a new best song ever written." If I were still living the time when I was just into my first year in the army, I would have said the best song in the world is "An Jing" also by Jay Chou. My stand now? The best song ever written would be "Art Of Life". The song is so good, it overcomes the test of time.

A couple of days ago,
Me: X Japan makes one of the best music in the world. Best band in the world.

Seehiong: Luna Sea fans would say Luna Sea makes the best music in the world, X Japan fans would say X Japan makes the best music in the world.

Lianshi: X Japan sucks.

Me (indignantly): X Japan incorporates the use of the piano in their rock tracks and that this is rarely seen in the music industry.

Seehiong: No, no. Luna Sea also uses the piano. In fact, X Japan copied Luna Sea in making the same type of music because Luna Sea came out first.

Me: .....

Disgusted, I went into iTunes yesterday to check out some Luna Sea tracks. I would say their songs are pretty unique which focused on Ryuichi's melo-dreamy vocals and some really good arrangement. But the music was nowhere near X Japan's and I don't think I remember hearing any piano. Then I went to search the internet for some information and I wouldn't deny that Luna Sea is quite a good band but.....

Luna Sea formed in 1986. X Japan formed in 1982.
Luna Sea completed in 1989. X Japan completed in 1987.
Luna Sea's first album in 1991. X Japan's first album in 1988.

The biggest irony of all is that Yoshiki (X Japan) founded his own record label "Extasy Records", while Luna Sea's first album was recorded by none other than.... Extasy Records.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! SEEHIONG, YOU'RE A TRUCKLOAD OF RUBBISH!

In 1993, X Japan released the astonishing 29 minutes opus - "Art Of Life" (http://www.yoshikinet.com. Yoshiki hit his creative peak in that year as I have never heard a band writting a 29 minute piece. I listen to it everyday and when my time on Earth is up, I want it played during my funeral along with "The Last Song".

Art Of Life starts off with Yoshiki playing a melodious tune on the piano that is slowly rising in volume, giving the listener an expectant feeling such that it seems like a story is about to be told. Toshi's voice soon comes in singing a song with lyrics that basically doesn't make sense as with many other X Japan songs. However, there is this particular line that really seems to conclude everything I feel about living - if it's a dream, now wake me up. if it's all real, just kill me.

After a short span of peace and serenity, the song kicks off in a pulsating beat where the rest of the band gets into action and Yoshiki drumming his heart out. Into the tenth minute of the piece, the guitar solo-ing comes in, reflecting the rage and frustration of the song. The solo-ing slowly changes the mood into a new determination to "dry my tears, wipe my bloody face".

As I'm carried along with the song, the equivocation between the will to fight against fate and then surrendering in despair continues. Like every fight, exhaution sets in and the song turns seamlessly into a classical piece as Yoshiki plays a repetition of a distinct tune. In the live performance of the song, there is the trademark "hammering of the keys of the piano" by Yoshiki just like how he always manages to portray his feelings into the music he plays.

For around 10 minutes, the classical tune goes on and on before the song ends in an orgasmic high of more guitars, drums and Toshi vowing never to stop fighting - "never wanting to breathe his last".

Like how instinct drives wolves and dogs to howl in the night, like how I feel a sudden rush of panic and despair, like how everyone else yearns to find the purpose of their existence, to me, Art Of Life tells of a never-ending search for the truth - the relentless quest for the art of life.

Wish Upon A Star

2005-12-23T01:03:00.000+08:00

Like how France crashed out of the 2002 World Cup in Round 1 group stages, Hall One failed to live up to the hype and expectations after succumbing to a 1-0 defeat, banishing them to another year of disappointment. We were eliminated from the competition much to the glee of some of our closest rivals by an unjust offside goal. Despicable linesman decision left us rueing our missed chances.

Personally, I have yet to swallow the shock, disappointment and disbelief. I remembered promising myself a year ago to win it back. Instead, for three matches, I didn't get a chance to step onto the field. Questions will be asked, answers will be challenged, but ultimately winning is about the team that shows more desire to win (I always felt that maybe I could have worked hard enough). I will dry my tears, move on and try harder next year. ______________________________________________

It hasn't been the best day of my life today and I'm really glad it's coming to an end. Football disappointment, losing even in computer games and the stress from subject registration - it just wasn't the best day to step into Orchard Road. The freaking ant nest syndrome was there for me to see - everyone looked like emotionless ants, I felt so cooped up and trapped in a cycle that I so wanted to break free.

Then this Christmas period is really getting me irritated. Gift buying, romantic extravagance, commercials, parties - it really seems like people become foolish during this time of the year. Yesterday night I was "lucky" to be part of this family of friends who decided to have a sort of Christmas gathering (eating out and everything). Sounds fine to me even up to the part about group gift exchange. We bought our gifts in a rush. In fact, it was a little last minute. The shitty part comes when upon receiving their exchanged gifts, some were complaining about the sincerity of the gift.

I find that so paradoxical - how would the buyer of the gift know who his/her gift will end up with? Group gift exchange is almost a lottery thing, good present, bad present, or even a good present which you have no use for, will have to be accepted graciously. If everyone starts to get whiny over such stuff, why bother buying the gifts then? Why not just spend your own money on whatever you want? No point wishing to get a diamond necklace if what you bought for others is a soft toy.

Next time round, count me out of group gift exchanges. Thanks.

Upon reaching home just now, I was suddenly realising how brainwashed I was by actually admiring the freakin' Celestial diamond by Goldheart. I have to admit that it wasn't really the diamond but the lifestyle that the commercial aims to bring forth to their target customers - a life of carefree attitude, driving in a open top cabriolet and admiring the night sky. Too far-fetched. Same goes for condominium, credit card and a whole lot of other commercials. The target is to tempt the weak into living a life they cannot afford.

tell me when anything comes true...

"Rich Dad, Poor Dad" is a technically simple book that doesn't teach stockbroking skills but it really brings forth a very important concept of living within your means and slowly generate rolling money instead of endlessly chasing a wanted lifestyle. However, over the years of poor financial education, so many people have fallen into the trap of consumerism. And it will be a long while before people realise how much harm is done to them by just absorbing information without evaluating what they absorbed.

Without digressing furthur, it's still all down to keeping a clear head when it comes to festive seasons such as Christmas, Valentine's Day and even Chinese New Year. Buy what you need and not what you think makes a good gift, especially when prices are marked-up to incredulous levels. Never compare yourselves with the wealthy. Some people have everything easy. "I want, I reach out my hand, I get" attitude just doesn't work. Buying expensive gifts is not the way to maintain a friendship/relationship.

Go easy and be level-headed. Because if there is such a thing as wishing for it and not working for it, Hall One wouldn't have crashed out of the competition...

To Friendship, Success and Helluva Good Time

2005-12-11T21:54:00.000+08:00

Hall 1 lost against Hall 4 1-0. We were unlucky. I had no part in the game again. This time was benched. Well, not so frustrated now after speaking to some people. But of course, the urge to play will always be there - which is why I'm tired out now after having a hell of a game at Parry just now. A Zidane-like turn followed by a superb through pass saw my teammate latch onto the ball and finishing the move with much aplomb. What made me shiok was the way everyone else *GASPED* when I did the move. Hahahaha! Shoik!!

Some friends leave a lasting positive impression. Another birthday party this December made me ever more impressed by Wilson. The way he treats his friends, rally the people around him, inspires others to greater heights will always live on in me. To me, the party was like a report card as to how he spent his "idle" half-year.

From being a loser student, NS clerk, lousy footballer, exciting team player, great motivator, he has become one who hasn't spent the last two years in vain. I'm very proud to be part of his life just like the way he felt that everyone around him was special in building the person that he is. The courage to take out the guitar and display his limited skills, the efforts made to make everyone feel part of the party (especially the performance of "Amethyst"on his electone) was outstanding.

The speech was spoken with much conviction. "Success" was said with so much determination and hunger. I had to fight back tears.

To me, he is a great friend to everyone. Sometimes, I wonder who is a great friend to him...
Nonetheless, I wish him the best as he begins a new life in NZ.

Wilson is one of those who truly knows the Art of Life.

4-0

2005-12-05T11:56:00.000+08:00

Hall One came up tops against Hall 12, thrashing the opponents 4-0. We had a couple of shots that hit the post, and also a few more ruled out for offside. It was a good game.

But, I didn't take part in the game at all. Well, except for being used as linesman. Again.

Why do I even bother looking forward?

Disgruntled. Maybe I belong to Parry.

Tranquilised

2005-12-04T01:40:00.000+08:00

I found warmth today. Yet, contrary to what the title of this entry suggests, I'm still far from finding the peace that has been so elusive to the madness and equivocation within me.

I woke up today feeling weary, keeping in mind that I had to meet Wilson, Weng and Bruce for lunch. By the time I got on my feet, I knew I was going to be real late.

"Heck," I told myself. "That Wilson late for Parry the last time round also, give him a taste of his own medicine."

At the back of my head was this bugging thing that I had to get a present for my cousin' s birthday. Sounds simple. But to me, it's a damn bloody taxing task. Lots of factors comes in. I thought about "usable stuff" and maybe she has her own. I thought about clothes and fashion but I immediately cancel out the idea because I suck in fashion anyways.

Wilson-the-Idea-Man, suggested a book. Bruce-the-Lotsa-Comments-Man was having a low performance day by his standards. I was the No-Idea-Man, having no idea at all. (Actually I thought buying a book was just like a 'process' - the sort of 'going through the motion' and 'can't be bothered attitude'.) But then Wilson mentioned something that I thought was quite meaningful - "true that if you buy a book as a gift, it's so forgettable... but if you buy a gd book as a gift, the person will reminisce in the future and say 'oh this book I recommend to you coz I got it as a gift from so-and-so... it's a gd book'".

Convinced, I bought it.

I trust Wilson's judgement. He wasn't wrong about X Japan. Wilson-the-Braggart will also go on and on about his other judgements such as Troy, Matrix, many other books... He would go "Look Bruce, the only thing I was wrong about was this show called Big Fish... And you thought it was good."

Hahaha.. But I trust Wilson-the-Good-Judge. Hahaha...

The weariness grew on that day and the physically weak immune system of mine fell prey to the irritating cold again. I went home to rest before setting off for my cousin's place. But I didn't have a good rest. I was hot and cold at the same time. I took 1 pill. I took another. I left the house feeling the same, if not worse. My nose was a dripping tap. (It was a waterfall actually).

I felt lethargic and was finding it a chore. But in the end, it turned out to be a good experience. The chat with my another cousin who went overseas was enriching. The warmth I see within my cousin's family was refreshing. I also thought about how the warmth in a family can spread to the friends too, when I saw my cousin hug her good friend when she was presented with a bouquet of flowers.

I'm a lukewarm person. I hardly show warmth. Not that I don't care, it's just that maybe I wasn't brought up in an expressive environment. My biggest flaw is not showing that I care when I do.

7 hours later, the iron body succumbed to defeat. The drug overdose has kicked in. I'm now tranquilised...

Predator Absolute...MMmmmm..

2005-11-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

YESsss.... Guess what? Exams are over!! Haha... Kinda duh now since it's been a couple of days since my last paper but I haven't had time till now to write an entry. So... YESsss! It has been a tough and disappointing semester with tears and all but I'm glad to know really some great footballers here and to share the same goal of winning the IH football champion by the end of next month. (Even though I seriously doubt this team's ability. Lots of individual players, no teamwork.)

After my last paper I had a quick game of football at the NTU SRC before proceeding with friends to cineleisure for "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire". If my memory didn't fail me, it has got to be my first Harry Potter movie. The show wasn't that bad even though those who read the book felt that there were many missing parts to the movie. But the point is many would be shocked at the fact that two days back was my first Harry Potter movie.

Hell, everyone is becoming a victim of consumerism. This stupid country is too rich for it's good and it is worse being a country that lacks a distinct culture of its own. We now turn to mundane things like catching a movie and clubbing to while our time (and money) away instead of having some time out hanging around with neighbours and baking cakes or just lazing out in the garden trimming the plants and flowers. We now pay the Bangladeshi to help us keep our surroundings
picturesque. Shouldn't we find peace in trimming plants, watching fish, and listening to the birds chirp?

That night brought me to realise that the Christmas lights are (have been) up in Orchard Road. Goodness knows how long I've been to town but the lights are there for show and to "bring out the Christmas spirit". And then they have this annual competition as to which building puts out the most beautiful decorations. I'd bet my toenails the manager of the winning decorations will come up with an answer that goes something like "Oh we just wanted to save costs by using recycled materials and hopefully bring out the Christmas spirit."

Hahahahaha....

By then I would have laughed my head off because firstly, we all know that used cans that are used to make decorations are pretty much new ones that the workers open up to drink before installing the empty cans into their work of art. Just ask the NUS students involved in "Rag". The poor souls downed endless cans of coffee just for the empty cans to make their masterpiece.
Secondly, "bringing out the Christmas spirit" just doesn't sound right. Maybe "unleashing the shopping spitfires" sounds better. A picture of the merciless aunties, rich tai tais and giggly school girls carrying bags of god-knows-what, beaming from ear to ear with their purchases comes to mind. And I don't think the young 50-cent - Usher - 5566 - F4s are spared from this period of consumerism.

I went to Sitex Exhibition earlier today just to get out of my house. There was this particular small exhibition area where they sell accesories to the gadgets thay people will buy. I saw iPod nano, iPod mini and iPod holders, all assorted colours and lots of them. I returned home and check out the comics and saw Paige's iPod Christmas wishlist. I remembered a few weeks back I see people gushing about iPod nano on their MSN nicks. Then my Dad says he is thinking of getting an iPod. Bloody shit. Seems like nobody is spared from consumerism.

Sad to see many of us being victims of our lifestyle. Shouldn't one be happy with what he has? Why do people buy the Evo or WRX when in Singapore you'd probably never enjoy it's top speed? I also wonder why there is such a thing as a Ferrari laptop produced by Acer, and is also on the FHM BIG.BOYZ.TOYZ list. I also see stuff like the Drink-O-Matic, which is basically a fridge that can only store 6 cans of drinks, making into the list. Damn the Drink-O-Matic costs 450 bucks!

I have a faulty moniter and until the time it totally conks out on me, I shall refuse to buy a new one. I shall not fall victim to consumerism!!!

Then again, the new Adidas Predator Absolute looks really nice for a Christmas present....

To surpass myself

2005-10-16T16:06:00.000+08:00

Did I bring it upon myself? Was I asking for it? Or was it a chance to redeem myself?

Once again I am given the task of managing and captaining the road relay team for my Hall. But how do I go about doing a good job? How do I motivate my runners to give their best for the team? How do I perform well for the Hall?

All along I am only the team member - hardly the vocal leader, although sometimes I see myself leading by example. But this time, I need to be more imposing in my role. Besides training hard and improve myself, I also need to motivate the amateur runners in my team, I need to manage the stars of the team well so that they too put in their best for the team. I need to show the stars that this team have a goal in mind and that we are all in it together.

I had a totally humbling experience last Friday when playing as a wingback in the soccer team for Hall in the friendly against the school team, I was torn apart, played around, fooled time and again. I am determined to go about to correct my mistakes.

A quick look at my team:-

-I have got Arthur the star of the team possibly one of the best runners I've seen. He hasn't signed up for the team so I must convince him to join the team again and by doing so, I need to show him that the team have got a goal this time around.

-Another star would be Weiyee who performed really well last year and I'm glad she signed up for road relay again. I might get her to be my vice so that she can help manage the girls in the team.

-I have got Shawn, James, U-wei as seasoned runners that need some push so that they can bring their performance to a next level. The problem with them is to help them identify the fact that to win, we have to clock a minimum timing for the relay distance.

-I've got some girls from block 14 and 17 who are probably experiencing their first competitive run in many years but are involved in some form of running previously. These are the ones who need motivation to come down for training as well as significantly improving their timings. I also note that I need to inject some confidence into them. They must understand that they are not going to turn into super runners overnight but with some training, I'm sure they will get somewhere close. Afterall, man (as well as women) tend to overestimate their abilities over the short term and underestimate themselves over the long term (with training of course).

-I have got people who sign up who are least interested yet need the points. I have got to think of a way to either make them feel the team spirit, or kick them out of the team.

-Lastly, I have many hidden dragons that I think I have to consider them into the team. However, I have to be convinced that they show commitment to the team so that I do not throw in bad apples amongst the good ones.

After getting them to identify the importance of having good team spirit, the training plan have to be drawn up. Trainings have to suit the different runners as much as possible yet due to time contraint and cultivate team cohesiveness, I also need to train my team together.

It isn't easy to captain and manage a team especially when you set high standards for yourself.

Inconsideration...

2005-10-07T02:36:00.000+08:00

I sat down at my table and thought about what I should be doing. School work first came to my mind, but I am tired and having realised I haven't been updating this space, I decided to write something that should have been posted here awhile ago.

Hall One's performance a couple of weeks back ranged from ordinary to painful but the night heated up when Ground Zero, an SMU band took to the stage. Their performance was strong, lively and entertaining especially when their lead singer laughs his trademark laugh. Their music was finer than the two previous bands and I could actually hear music instead of a jarring loud noise.

Ground Zero finally made the audience stand when their performed "Are You Gonna Go My Way" again. How I envy the nifty finger skills of that guitarist (Koh Tat Yang or something). Even the actual song fails to impress as much as Ground Zero's live version.
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I can't remember which day was it but I can vividly picture the nail clippings on the MRT seat. I boarded the North East Line, planning to meet some friends. The train was pretty much empty at that time of the day and I was near the rear cabin so I was glad there weren't many people around.

Then as I proceeded to slump down on this particular seat, I saw NAIL CLIPPINGS on it. I've seen used tissue, chewing gum, dirty plastic bags, but nail clippings was something new. Naturally I sat down at the next seat just beside the one with the disgusting looking nails.

The journey wore on but soon more people boarded the train, and then there were people who were about to sit down at that seat when they saw the nails. I don't think I can remember how many weird looks I received but hell, it wasn't me...

I suppose one does get used to all these weird happenings just by living in Singapore (or just by living for that matter), but I find it strange even after many years of education and courtesy campaigns, people can still indulge in acts of inconsideration.

Inconsideration, in my opinion can be classified into two types - the knowing and the unknowing. An example of the knowing inconsideration would be like the one in my example. Obviously the person who left his fingernails on the seat of the train knows that he is just being bastardly by doing so. Yet, he refuses to be a good citizen, because maybe he feels that "hey, I think the MRT staff will clear it up for me".

This is why there are so many signs on the trains now that says no durians, no pets, no smoking... Anyone caught in the act of doing anything damaging to the property of the public will thus be punished in the manner deemed by the government. Thus, I believe that the "knowing" form of inconsideration is easy to stop punishing the culprits, yelling at them or telling them off are just some of the methods used by many people in our daily lives.

For example, somebody uses your toilet and instead of drying his hands on the towel provided, he flicks his wrist such that all the water is flung onto the ground. Natural reaction would simply to tell him off.

However, I find that the unknowing acts of inconsideration harder to control. Friends, ties, relationships are at stake. Suppose you have a sister whom you share a room with. She's not the cleanest sister around and she leaves her books arranged neatly but placed in a way that eats a little into your desk. Occasionally, you help arrange her books to prevent them from getting into your way. But somehow, the books return to the original place after a few days. How do you cope with such a problem?

The problem arises when you start to drop hints of her acts of inconsideration. Yet, that dumbass of a sister couldn't pick up the hint. Then, maybe you think "hmm, I should drop a bigger hint." But still your sister fails to understand.

You are getting frustrated. And everytime you see your sister, you find you pick out her faults and instances when she acts selfishly. You want to tell her straight in the face of the inconvenience caused to you but then you fear the peaceful relationship between you and her will be destroyed. She might be so hurt, she never knew that she was such a bother and such a consequence might have gigantic repercussions to the otherwise peaceful and happy relationship - not a very nice situation to be in. On one hand, you're saving the relationship, one the other, you're torturing yourself.

I suppose many of you have such problems before, even I'm faced with them. Although I tend to be a little bit more patient with certain acts and the problems seem to wither away, I know that one day the problem will return in a bigger manisfestation and might even hurt others.

The world would be a nicer place if judgement on others is reduced. Before judging the behavior of others, try to think of instances when you have done the same things. Correct yourself before pointing the finger at others. Afterall, as I've read somewhere, everytime you judge somebody, you do not define that person. The person is already defined. Every single judgement you make is just a definition of yourself and how ugly you make others perceive you to be.

Violet UK, I can't wait...

2005-09-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

Yoshiki

If Micheal Jordan is to Chicago Bulls as Yoshiki is to X Japan, then Hide to X Japan is like Scottie Pippen is to Chicago Bulls. I've linked websites of the 2 talented musicians to my site for you all to check out what it means by music transcends language.

Ever since Wilson introduced X Japan and Yoshiki's works, I've been hooked on to it. Violet UK - Yoshiki's latest work originally planned for release on 22 Sept has been postponed again to the 27th. Really cannot wait to check it out.

At the core of the Violet UK project is the music. It blends digital drum-loops, a touch of classical piano and strings and noise guitar. Female vocalists finish off this radical new sound.

The above excerpt from www.yoshikinet.com was written about Violet Uk being a mix of genres of music. Totally exciting! It's hard to imagine what sort of recipe Yoshiki is going to cook up next.

Next Wed's Hall One Jam Band at Zodiac Bar. Sadly they're only going to give Greenday covers - or so I heard. But will be looking forward to it nonetheless!!

Youth is Wasted On Youths

2005-09-17T19:13:00.000+08:00

Many a time somebody makes an "if" statement, and such statements are normally time related such as "if only I have chosen to study medicine instead of law" - and the completion to that thought would probably go "I would be earning big bucks now." An "if" statement tend to have a cause and effect relation.

But how many times do we make a similar statement, realise the oppurtunities and time lost, and then do something about it? Rarely. Why and how, then, do we try to maximise the available time made to us? Why do some people "have things easier"?

I believe it is the realisation of the importance of time from an early age, where the crucial period is during one's teenage years. It is the stage when growing is fastest and personal opinions related to worldly matter can be achieved. As compared to the age of the universe, the time an average person spends alive is minute. How then, does he make an impact? Or to quote a phrase I saw from an msn nick, "what makes a man if he doesn't make a difference?"

Today I helped out in the fund raising for Hall Ball by invigilating the HSK exam. While, I noticed that most of the secondary 3 students were pretty decent, it was, alas, sad for me to realise the sad fact that "youth is wasted on youths". My observation is based on a few girls who had neoprints stuck onto the picture of their student card which hindered the certification of their identities. Stupid, dumb, foolish or what ever you may call it but I see it as an influence by "all things pop". They are probably the bunch who go around chasing boybands like 5566.

While "youth is wasted on youths" seems generalising and a little harsh on the kids, I beg to differ simply for the fact that I was also into "all things pop". It is yet another vicious cycle in the modern society that cannot be ceased by academic education. Vicious cycle because "pop" is a culture embraced by teenagers and sometimes, they go right into the young adult stage largely influenced by this particular culture. And academic education cannot solve this problem because wisdom comes with experience and only when something hard hits them would they realise the waste of their boundless teenage energy.

Antagonists of the pop culture find it hard to accept its influence over youths. I believe it has something to do with finding one's place in the society and trying to fit in. Being refreshingly different doesn't come to their young minds yet. One cannot deny the vast influence of pop. It is not only all about music. Besides the pretty faces of the teenagers' idols and their talentless music making, pop culture comes along with a whole lot of other junk such as poor mannerisms, unrealistic roles that they play in their movies, amplification of the ideal sweet innocent love, "gung-ho" violence, and the "I wanna thank my fans" quotes that pull an even larger crowd into the culture trap.

Many take a long time to swim out of the dark waters and start to embrace other good qualities such as the patriotism and steel of the ancient Chinese or maybe appreciate the works of the great philosopher Socrates. Even learning to appreciate the art of stage musicals and orchestras would be so far away from the young minds.

"How then do we maximise our time?" is a difficult question to answer because some of us can use our daily allocated energy to the maximum. There are such people who excel in almost everything that they do. Just think about the RJC student who excels academically, is well-read, athletic, and even plays the flute. He doesn't spend time like the many of us slacking away. Nor does he indulge in video games. Plus, he is not the average nerd. Sounds impossible?

Check out his daily timetable then. Lessons in the morning, practice the flute after lunch, joins the rest for track training, then returns home for dinner, study and 10pm news.

It takes sheer brilliance to pull off such a timetable in just a single day, let alone in the entire of one's teenage - but it can be done. Instead of telling others how good our results are in primary school, reminiscing the happy times we had in secondary school, or feeling bad about some relationship that didn't work out, we could spend the time doing something much more constructive. Move on, and efficiency is achieved. History is for experience and learning, not reminiscing.

But why put oneself through such torture? Reason is as simple as trying to visualise the lifestyle you want to lead in the future and the route to getting there. Hardships will always be there to be experienced but it is a matter of coming out of it with the experience and being tougher than before.

At the end of the examination, amidst all the rushing, and tiredness, I wondered if there was any means to help the next generation. How to instill the ability for everyone to possess an opinion on a worldly topic? How to apply knowledge? How to teach creativity?

How do we save the population?

I Just Wanted My Dinner...

2005-09-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

There's something wrong with me lately. I get pissed easily now. But I find legitimate reasons for being so.

Disney BBQ was much of a success if not for some people who couldn't make it. The only qualms I had was people passing snide remarks about how the fire isn't started by the time they arrived. Come on, it's raining, and the pit is wet. The weather is cold and by the way, you all weren't helping.

Haven't had a decent dinners for a long time too. School ended late on Thursday, Siqiang and I had to packet Macs from Canteen A. Friday was BBQ. Planned to have a decent dinner soon. But everything spoiled do to some inconsideration. In my disgust, I had to pack Macs again. Basically my week ended on a poor note.

Had a decent conversation with Siqiang though with regard to Christianity and religion. Wasn't very comfortable with over-zealous Christians in the past. I suppose they are the ones giving Christianity such a poor image. But in this conversation I wasn't persuaded by Siqiang to join them. I was rather more interested in knowing how a religion helps a person in terms of his well being and psychological stability. Siqiang shared some of his examples of how a religion helps him in coping with various situations and conflicts within himself - quite insightful.

Maybe I should pick up a religion. I've always maintained that football is my religion, but now after being out for so long and feeling rather lost at times, religion might get me somewhere. Or maybe I might even find the answer to "What is the meaning of life?".

But don't get me wrong and start pounding on my door, telling me about what your religions can do. It's just a consideration...

When The Limits Are Reached...

2005-08-27T03:58:00.000+08:00

I sit here and contemplate sleeping. But upon reflection of the events of the past couple of days, I just cannot bring myself to do that. I just had to pen my thoughts down before everything becomes vague memory.

Terrible news struck when I heard of a friend from hall who chose death as a causatum to what appeared to be problems deemed unsolvable to him. Instant shock and disbelief took over as I tried to come to terms with the piece of information.

The passing of someone naturally creates sorrow amongst those around him with no regards to the closeness of the friendship, myself included. I do remember him as a friendly, helpful person who advised me on how to handle my recent ankle injury as well as also being a capable leader in terms of hall activities.

Intrigued by how the many close friends of his failed to notice and prevent the tragedy, I searched websites with regard to suicide and depression. I brought myself to a startling piece of statistic - It is estimated that 8-25 attempted suicides occur for every suicide completion. Many of these are never discovered, or never reported. It is important to understand that the majority of suicide attempts are expressions of extreme distress, not merely bids for attention (quoted from www.emedicine.com). It shocked me to realise the difficulty in identifying the symptoms of a depression.

Difficult because how do you judge an action as a symptom of depression or just a medium to seek attention? Just by looking at the nicks of all the people on my MSN list, I read stuff like "sigh", "alone in the world of my own", "tired" and many other negative nicknames. It is human nature to wallow in self pity? Is it a call for attention? Or should we identify it as a call for help?

Whatever the case is, I believe it is good to be on the safe side and sometimes just give someone a "hi, how are you?" when you have the slightest tinge of suspicion that this person might be going through a bad state of depression. Thus, I am thankful to those who have given me the encouragement and fight to go on during the bad patches that I have gone through.

While I am determined to make sure such a tragedy doesn't happen to the people around me again, I am equally inclined to hope and believe that Toon has finally found the peace that eluded him during his short short span in this world.

Find peace...

Hall Lingo

2005-08-21T15:22:00.000+08:00

It's been slightly more than a year since moving into Hall One, the place where there is a distinct culture on it's own. It is a community where people spend their activity-filled time together and thus one might garner lasting friendship/relationships. I use "might" because there is also a chance that after graduating from the school, the people will have lesser chance of meeting up again. All in all, Hall One is a place where people develop some sense of belonging towards.

One of the more interesting observations after my one-year stint in Hall is that how the people tend to "Hall Lingo" to communicate or even to subdue a moment of awkwardness. I've compiled some of the phrases used below (not much, but do hope it is some form of amusement to the others who do not live in a Hall).

bo jio - One of the most common phrases uttered along corridors when meeting some of the residents. Translated loosely, it means "didn't invite", normally used in the context of not inviting people for lunch, dinner or even an activity that is deemed fun, for example soccer.
An example of usage would be "Wah! Supper bo jio!!"

war - A short form for the game Warcraft that residents tend to refer to even though the actual game is called Dota.

hen li hai - A Chinese phrase that is to mean "very impressive". Often refered to in the context of sporting abilities, academic work, or gaming dexterity. Sometimes it is used with a tinge of sarcasm. An example of usage would be "Wah! Did you see Kokster Kim at the bball game? hen li hai!!"

xie xie - Thank you very much. It is said in a tone where most of the sound of the phrase comes through the nose. It gives me an impression of a little arrogance. An example of usage would be "Eh, I scored the winning goal ok? xie xie!"

stonetable - A noun refering to the tables situated strategically at the bottom of each block of rooms for the residents to gather or meet. It is sometimes refered to as an activity for the residents because it is the place where people meet to share secrets and gossips about the on-going events in Hall.

Come to think of it, I had a strange dream regarding stonetable last night. Think I haven't been sleeping enough.

Alright, there is a lot more but I can't afford the time to dig them up from my brain. Anyways it's time to go because I've got quizzes to study for.

What Stories Do The Wrinkles On Grandma's Face Tell?

2005-08-13T01:42:00.000+08:00

I'm home while the rest are enjoying themselves at the annual Hall Ball at Raffles Town Club (this place brings up the memories man...) Was actually urged and encouraged to go along and join the people (and to be truthful, it wasn't all that impossible), but I decided against it because really how much fun can one get with an ankle that hurts with every step he takes?

And so I left for home rather abruptly for I did not want them to urge me furthur. This time round, there was no car available and so I took the usual public transport back home. On my way home, I thought about how am I going to fight for my seat and not stand the whole way home. Now, don't jump to conclusions and start thinking that, "hey, here's another kiasu act from yet another Singaporean." I do admit that I am disgusted by the rushing during the boarding of trains but this time round, I'm sorry, I have an injured ankle and I badly needed a seat.

You see, sometimes things aren't that obvious and you cannot go around blaming people for not being more considerate. If you are 8 months into your pregnancy and you board the train, chances are someone would offer his/her seat to you. But if you have something like a swollen ankle or had a physically tiring day, nobody would know because you don't go around yelling "I'm so tired!!" right?

I had my own experience with my last ankle sprain (which wasn't that serious), but I had to stand my way from Boon Lay MRT to Outram Park MRT. These things are sort of like scars, they don't mean much to the person who sits beside you but each of these scars tell a story, a memory that is meant to be remembered for years to come - be it hurting yourself in football, suffering a cut from the rearsight of the rifle as you fell during training in the army or even a fight with some disease when young.

I can come up with another anology if you say you haven't had a major scar in your life. Look at your grandparents and sometimes you do wish that you understand their language a little more so that you can converse with them, ask them questions with regard to the really interesting stories during World War 2 that they will be able to tell. These stories comes with years of experience and I would like to link them to the wrinkles that they have. Wrinkles and scars do tell many stories yet people just take a look at these things and dismiss them as "part and parcel of life". Seriously, what do they know?!

So I hobbled my way into the train ungraciously and slumped myself (plus my large bag) on the first available seat. Ain't going to give up without a fight man...

Which brings me to another thing that I want to write about. My grandma's in the hospital for some time now, diagnosed with problems of all sorts. In fact, she's been in an out of the hospital for a while and although it is a common practice to keep positive and look on the bright sight, such things happen and you do tend to prepare yourself for the worst.

From the vague memories of my granny taking me to the market near my family's shop, I've always remembered the scenes when I could only look upwards and see her talking to the shopkeepers and vendors, possibly bargaining prices with regard to the goods that they have got to sell. And while she is a thrift old lady, she occasionally stops by the toy shops to check out the novelties that she could buy for my brother and I. I wasn't the incorrigible "I want this! And this!" kid, but it's always nice to have a treat or two whether if it's playing with toy swords or just a nibble at some biscuits.

She cooks the most delicious soup and always has something special for her grandchildren. Whenever we have dinner at her place, she would sometimes appear from the kitchen with Yakult and Coke that she stores in the fridge just for us. Mooncake Festival was fun too as she would buy candles and lanterns for all the children to play out in the car porch. Little acts like these will always be appreciated by all her grandchildren and we will always remember her fondly for being the almost perfect granny she is.

Some may think it's a bit early to write about all these but I beg to differ. Sometimes in life, gifts are granted to you and before you could cherish these gifts, they are taken away from you as quickly. After army, I try to spend more time at home now. Living at home is a lifestyle that I'm really quite contented with especially spending time with my parents.

Looking at how my dad aged too has got me thinking. The family business started from scratch and together with his brothers, they managed to make it into a decent one that is capable of supporting the families of 6 siblings. My mum tells me of my dad working since 15 years old, 6 days every week, each day from 6 am till night time 11pm. I am just astonished by the amount of commitment he puts in, amazed by the fervour and fighting spirit to provide the family with a life without financial difficulties. The absolute refusal to give up no matter how tough the times are has become an instinctive part of him and I am totally grateful for that.

Never in my life will I be able to repay the debt and gratitude I feel for these wonderful people involved in building the person that I am. I only know that for my dad, the only way for him to feel that it was worth all his effort is for me to keep fighting on to take another step furthur to a better lifestyle...

By the way, I wanted to say, Happy Birthday Dad on the 11 AUG...

I Sprained My Ankle Again!!!!

2005-08-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

This post was meant for last Thursday but somehow the stupid blogger.com refused to work on that day.

Finally I have some peace around, my mind have settled down somewhat and have accepted the fact that I’ve busted my ankle again. This time I realised that I have done much more damage to it as the pain was really unbearable. In fact, I feared the worst – that I have broken my ankle this time round. Yes, that serious.

Maybe I was asking for it, afterall there were signs that I shouldn’t have played on that fateful Tuesday. I have had my fair share of football on the two previous days on Sunday and Monday, and my quadriceps and hamstrings were really sore up till Tuesday. I thought I should do some tutorials also after the lecturer have gone through most of the content required to complete the assignment. I did not know what made me go on to play that day, but I just did.

There were no warning signs during the game itself though. I played my normal game and was having a good time. Even up till the point when Qibin put Kaile through down my left flank, I knew I could catch up with him. I even knew that Kaile would have tried a shot from that angle and I thought briefly to myself that even if he tried his shot, I would have blocked it.

Split seconds after my prediction, I was on the wrong end of the block. As expected, Kaile hit his shot hard. As expected, I managed to block it. What I didn’t predict was that my foot will twisted after the block and I landed on my twisted foot. “KRRAAACCK!”, went my ankle even though I tried my best not to land so heavily on it. A sharp, excruciating pain resonated around the epicentre of the damage. Moments later, I was on the ground writhing and tearing with pain, clutching my ankle and hating myself to the core.

It was a long long time since I cried but the pain, emotional damage was too much to withstand. I just came back from injuries and started playing with top players in my hall and I have to be out for another 2 months or so. I so freakin’ hate myself at that point that I just bawled at the prospect that I will never recover in time for IBG. It's such a waste because this time round my block is so confident to win and being part of the winning team comes naturally to any athlete.

Sigh. Bad things tend to happen to me. It’s not pessimistic for me to say that I really want to give everything up sometimes, because blow after blow, I really feel too frustrated and desperate to stand up and keep fighting fate.

And so I’m a pathetic figure now in hall and I cannot shake off that freakin’ “HAHA! YOU INJURY-PRONE LOSER!!” tag. But I have to thank many people who helped me in the aftermath of my accident.

Qingwei, Mingwei, Vynesh, Kaile, Shawn, Eric Chin, ChongYeow, Jinjie, Aloysius who casualty-evacuated me back to my room.
Junwei, Baka, Junjie, Shengwei, Mingwei who helped me do the first aid.
Chris, Seehiong, Junwei, who brought me to see the osteopath the next day.
Jyen, Shengwei, Tomio, Seehiong who helped me buy meals while I cannot walk.

Thanks a lot. I owe you guys a great deal.

The osteopath said I’m damn lucky not to suffer a broken ankle. Afterall, the swell was as large as a chicken egg, and that I actually injure the same right ankle again in such a short time span. But I damaged my ankle ligaments badly. Looks like I’ll never get to fulfill the potential that I have.

Now can somebody plan for me how to cope with the comments I’m going to get from my parents when I return home this weekend?
______________________________________________

And now I’m back again in hall after the weekend. My parents naturally were concerned over what happened and my chances of recovery. Comments such as quitting football kept popping up now and then. At the moment, I do not want to think about the problem yet, the most immediate thing for me is to recover, then decide whether should I carry on with this particular passion of my life.

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital today to get my ankle X-rayed. Good news is that my ankle is not broken. Bad news is that I still have to return to the hospital for another follow-up with the bone specialist.

Like I said, I'm back in hall now. Somehow I think I shouldn’t be here because I’m not even sure if I can make it to school tomorrow and then Tuesday would be National Day. Quite a stupid decision to return to hall.

I’m still a pathetic figure though, still needing the help of people around me. I want to recover!!

Yet Another Bash Gone Bad

2005-07-31T01:45:00.001+08:00

Last Friday night was my Hall Bash. It was supposed to be a night of fun and enjoyment. But I didn't expect to see so many ugly sides of human nature on a single night. On the other hand, I do not see myself as part of the clubbing scene so maybe what I saw was part of the norm of clubbing. And if that is so, it sucks.

Hall One pageant preview started off slowly for the people who do not frequent clubs, myself included. The pageant preview was pretty much predictable with some of the contestants looking really gorgeous. But the initial excitment died almost as soon as it started. After the pageant preview, as the bulk of Hall One was ushered upstairs to the (miserably small) dance floor of Coco Latte , I could see the most familiar bulk of Disney non-clubbers sitting down and either looking really subdued or trying as best to look as though we were having fun. Pathetic.

I sat down along with the rest and it was really boring. In fact, it was so boring that it became funny to me. Crazy ideas then started popping into my head and as I thought about these ideas, I couldn't help but snigger to myself. The glum faces looked so comical. And if the glum faces were comical, the faces of those trying to look cool would have had me folded up on the ground, clutching my stomache and asthmatic with laughter - if not for the fact that I was desperately thinking of ways to get out of the stupid situation.

Soon, enough was enough. I decided that if somebody had to do something, that somebody would have to be me. The row of glum and act cool people sitting down was getting longer and longer. I looked to my immediate left, sitted there was Jingying, followed by Angeline, Andrea and surprisingly, Jyen. My immediate right was Junjie, his girlfriend, and the list goes on to the likes of Yating, Tomio, Justin, Junwei, Baka, Chris and Jocelyn. I needed no furthur self-equivocation - I had to carry out my plan no matter how stupid it may sound.

"You are not going to sit here the whole night are you?!" I half-yelled to Junjie. He looked amused by my question. I thought I remembered him shaking his head, then nodding his head and then looking even more quizzical than ever. I wasted no time in explaining. I just asked him to pass my question down and further down the row.

I looked at Jingying on my left again and contemplated as to whether I should ask her such a crazy question. But I took action as soon as I contemplated, because if my plan was to succeed, I had to carry it out whole-heartedly.

"You are not going to sit here the whole night are you?" I repeated my question into Jingying's ear. She too, gave me and amused look. I felt relieved as I was so afraid that she might have just dismissed my question with a "what are you up to?!" look.

Soon there was commotion amongst us and when the question reached Justin, he stood up and "challenged" me to stand up. I gamely took on the challenge and was chiding the rest to stand up with us. In a while, all of us were at the dance floor, making funny body jerks, and trying to jerk in tune with the music. The non-dancers may look funny, but the thing is to have a good time (or at least, a better time than just sitting on the sofa).

I succeeded in my plan and was really glad, but the night did not end in a happy note. I said earlier in my opening paragraph I witnessed some of the ugly scenes of clubbing and shall briefly tell about them.

As an ex-PTI, I am pretty much against smoking if one is in search for a healthy lifestyle. Smoking because of an addiction is bad enough. Second-hand smoking is even worse but sometimes things cannot be helped especially in places like clubs. Unfortunately, social smoking is totally ridiculous. Non-smokers probably know the bad effects as smoking and social-smokers are non-smokers to start with. Which makes things really incredulous because since you already know that smoking is bad, plus the fact that you are not bounded by addiction, then why smoke? Ridiculous, ain't it?

Next up, would be the stupid drinking games. Challenging each other to either drink, or do something stupid. Really dumb to think about it. Often the girls get challenged and the next thing would probably the girls getting really drunk. Also ridiculous, because, getting drunk means being vulnerable. Why do something to make yourself vulnerable and reliant on others?

Then there was this fight then went about towards the end of the night. Shan't go into the details of the quarrel as I wasn't really on hand to witness what actually happened. But the thing with quarrels almost always boil down to another petty squabble.

Even afterwards when we went for supper there were people gossipping about things that may not be true in the first place. And by spreading rumours, tendency is that parties involved get their reputations destroyed. But what was worse for me is that I was there with the rest who were gossipping about people who are also my friends - I did not know whether to agree with the people around or to stand up for those who weren't. Maybe I could have done better than just keeping quiet but hell, I was too tired to think of another brilliant plan.

So, that's about it to Hall One Bash cum Pageant Preview. But to me, it's a preview to the ugly sides of the beautiful people around.

Do Not Destroy, Thanks

2005-07-28T01:40:00.000+08:00

Back from the fortnight layoff. Like many times when I kept from blogging, events are happening around all the time, sparking lots of thoughts and feelings that cannot be chronologically related in my entries without much thought and careful planning.

So, I am back today feeling good after achieving that elusive IPPT gold. And also, I'm to announce that I'm officially 22 now. Which makes my IPPT gold seem even more "just in time" than ever. I did unexpectedly well this time round, shaving 0.2 seconds off my shuttle run timing, as well as capping a 250 cm broad jump. But what amazed me was how I almost effortlessly glided my way to a 9 min 23 sec 2.4 km timing. A record that even the current batch of PTIs in Khatib would have been proud of. I couldn't believe how arrogant some of the PTIs were. I bet I gave them pretty much of a shock when I shook the 2IC's hand and then bantered along with Lim Han Song. That should have kept them in their place as afterall I'm their senior by more than a couple of batches.

School has started and I think I made a pretty good start by doing my math tutorial as well as trying to keep up with the lectures. But more importantly, it is for me to keep up the standard and achieve where I want to be towards the end of the semester.

Freshman Orientation Camp was a hit as much as it was an exhausting event. Being a programmer subcommer, time spent with the new batch of freshies was minimal which is really a regret. But well, I have the whole year to make up for lost time. And Wilson, I'm trying.. Haha..

I really have to comment on people who have a tendency to use baby language. It irks me. At first, while conversing with people whom you hardly know over MSN, tendency is that I will tolerate such behavior especially if the opposite party is some innocent, act cute girl. However, it gets really irritating when these people start using baby language to converse real life. I could give them a smack in their face and do an Alf Inge Haaland (when he hacked Roy Keane down and taunted him by hinting that Keane was faking an injury).

I tend to ignore such people after a while but it still gets on my nerves even if they are not actually conversing with me. Yes, it does get on my nerves. Some people have told me that "Hey, they are not talking to you what, why let such things bother you?". Now think about the old stain of what-so-ever in the middle of your bedsheet. It is an old stain, and the bedsheet is clean but it does irk you now and then, doesn't it? And when these stains get really unsightly, it irks so much that you'd think it's time for you to get a new bedsheet. It's pretty much the same for giggly-act-cute-prancy-baby-talking-girls. Get back to the cradle and suck on the tu-tu if you want to baby talk, don't waste my time. Seriously.

My cousin commented that I'm a pretty no-nonsense guy. And although I find it amusing, I also realise it's a very apt description. This trait was probably instilled into me during my NPCC days as well as NS time. National Service has done me a service contrary to popular belief that NS is a waste of time. It is a matter of perspective. If you are willing to observe and grow, there is actually much to learn in the army. Thing like man-handling, time-management, emotion-control, team-spirit and so much more. I reiterate - it is all about choosing to learn. And I would like to think that NS has made many people like me a more sensible person now. Most of the PTIs I see now hope to do well in whatever they do now (and they actually put in the effort).

For those who like to baby-speak and suck their tu-tus, I have this idea that originated from none other than yours truly.

If you want to be a useless good for nothing, so be it. You don't have to do anything constructive in this world, but please please PLEASE, do NOT do anything DESTRUCTIVE...

Too bad, So sad, Better luck next time

2005-07-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

After all the training, the interval, 4 km runs, gym, swims, all I need was not to disappoint myself. Which I did.

I knew going back to Khatib will make me some sort of a celebrity, afterall being part of the AHM team once, people like the 2IC will be singing praises about me. And of course, Lim Han Song - the PTI who seen me through BMT, then reuniting at Bedok FCC, before seeing me ORD. Like a guardian angel. What I did not realise that Chen Chun has been out of training. Have got lots of respect for this particular person who seems to excel in almost everything he sets out to do. He was one of the fastest of my batch clocking an amazing 8 min 26 sec for his personal 2.4 best, but like I said, "He WAS." I could only manage a personal best of 8 min 56 sec.

As usual, the 4 static stations are a total breeze, Shuttle Run - 9.4 sec, Sit Ups - 40, SBJ - 243 cm, Chin Up - 12. Breeze.

Then came the horror result of the day, 2.4 km run. I clocked 9 min 47 sec. Not the best timings, not enough for a gold award, not enough for my 400 bucks.

Big Mistake 1 - Waiting for Chen Chun to catch up with me. The reason was probably because of previous experiences where all along running with good runners, I have gotten too used to running behind people. I am not used to leading the pack, and very inexperienced in setting the pace of the run. I MUST correct this habit if I want to improve my timing

Big Mistake 2 - Refusal to step out of my comfort zone. I was enjoying the run, and totally at ease with the pace I was setting. I lacked drive to push and do well. I was ENJOYING the cool air. A total failure in this aspect.

Big Mistake 3 - Complacency and over-confidence. Even after seeing the poor timings of the 2nd, 3rd and particularly the 5th lap, I did not urge myself to push harder and gasp for air because I felt that I could still meet the timing. In fact, I felt quite ok physiologically after the run. I should have used my fast twitch muscles to kill off the last 100m. I didn't.

A poor day to sum up. So disappointed. So in need of motivation.

Will try again on the first day of school. Impossible is nothing.

Yes or No?

2005-07-10T14:44:00.000+08:00

I'll start this post by commenting that Rio Ferdinand is an utter disgrace to the footballing fratenity. Being a Manchester United supporter for almost 10 years, hardly have I seen a player from the club who repays kindness, tolerance and absolute trust with a greedy demand for an over-the-top weekly wage of 120 thousand pounds. Even Liverpool's influential skipper could only command a 100 thousand pound per week wage. Rio Ferdinand, in my opinion, isn't amongst the top 3 performers for the club over the past 2 seasons, he should repay Fergie's faith by signing the already over-decent contract that is offered to him.

Moving on, blog entries I've read recently tend to bore and lack ideas. (I'd probably get lotsa stick for that particular comment because people write blogs for different reasons.) On the other hand, the good ones I've been recommended tend to be those that belong to the society's non-conformists. "Non-conformist" is quite a harsh and bold term but with my limited vocabulary, I can't think of a more suitable term in this context. They are the people who dare to be different, question the taken-for-granteds and provide radical ideas that could solve the problems faced by many today. Which is the reason for their blogs to tend to be read-worthy.

It is great to witness that more of us are stepping forward and voicing out. I remember once when I was waiting for my bus at Tampines Interchange after long day in camp together with campmate, Weng. There was this couple who were chasing after this bus that was already moving off the queuing line. The bus driver spotted the couple and kindly halted the bus, but as the bus was 1 full lane off the kerb, the couple had to run some distance on the road itself to reach their bus. The reckless girl was about to dash out when I saw this incoming bus, I proceeded to literally voice out to stop her - which fortunately she heeded to the warning. Should she step out onto the road, the possibilities of outcomes would be limitless because nobody else reacted to the situation, but I was grateful for what I did. Not a very big way of stepping forward, but it was stepping forward nonetheless.

What I am trying to say is that the advantages of voicing out are plentiful such that it is quite time consuming to categorize all of them.

However, it is dangerous to say that everyone should become non-conformists. Non-conformists are at times full of themselves and if someone else, is just like any other - an egoistic bastard, what would become of the society? Imagine the amount of chaos that it would bring - too many "outstanding people" would make a mess out of situations.

Take for example the blogs of "non-conformists". These blogs often come with negativities such as bringing forth a tinge of egoism of the writer as well as arguments that are extreme in nature. Sometimes, expletives are excessively used too. The quality of the blog thus becomes compromised when comments posted by annoyed readers are hardly constructive and the writers proceed to defend themselves painfully - the site becomes a place for blasting and personal attacks.

"You are a filthy whore!"
"I dun give a damn to what you ppl say. I'm just being myself!"

Above are just some of the less vulgar comments I've read. A Canadian teacher during my time in ZHSS once preached that if one couldn't help but include profanities in his/her writing, that person probably didn't have any substance to begin with. Not entirely correct, but it holds some truth. Afterall, if ideas could be conveyed without parties getting annoyed, that would probably be top level convincing.

On hingsight, while it is important that people step forward and acknowledge the fact that "hey, there is a problem, if somebody has to deal with it, then that somebody will have to be me.", there must also be a balance of the traditional thinkers as well as the innovative ones. Balance - many aspects of today's world depends much on it. Balancing occurs in work and play, friends and spouse, speed and endurance, power and control. "Find a balance" is a simple conclusive statement but a difficult process. It is like the gunshot signalling the start of a gruelling 21 km race - 1 command would result in the outcome of many tired runners.

Yet, I'm in the midst of finding mine.

Defending by Brains, Attacking by Heart

2005-07-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

The last post left me with brains drained and I haven't come up with a post for a while. I've been training hard for IPPT and my back acted up again today. Amongst many things, the IPPT is one of the goals I had in mind for this holidays. Although I can't say I can bring my fitness levels up to the point where I was before, I will try to achieve a gold award nonetheless. The holidays are almost over and looking back, I still find that I have many things I have not done yet. Will be looking to finish all these within the next week.

Once the holidays end, it would mean a new season of football will start and that I will once again fulfill my bid to perform even better academically. However hard life is going to be then, football will still be a major role with the IBG then later IHG during December. I will be looking forward to see how Manchester United and AC Milan perform in the new season. (The following paragraphs will be really technical. Probably only the football enthusiasts will understand what I'm trying to say)

Both of these teams that I support haven't achieved anything in the last season but their performances have been largely different. Manchester United started slow but progressed strongly through the mid-season. Their style of play doesn't excite me anymore. Rarely do I go "oh yes, this is it!!" when I watch Man Utd play now. When I think of the time when their midfield consisted of Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Roy Keane and David Beckham, I would say the Man Utd now is on the decline. Sad.

Which is why I would prefer to focus my attention on AC Milan. They have got a wonderful team, and even after losing the Champions League final to Liverpool, I still have sleepless nights thinking of how efficient their style of play is. The defence of Milan is impressive, save for their tendency to collapse big time. Some may argue that it is an ageing defence and Maldini and gang are too slow for players like Cristiano Ronaldo and Arjen Robben, I wouldn't agree more. But I have noticed that the back four sit deep in their own half. This makes up for their pace by limiting the space for through passes to be played behind them. All the defence have to do is intercept balls and make intelligent clearances upfield to launch a counter attack.

Milan's midfield consists of 3 defensive players and 1 attacking midfielder. Gattuso and Seedorf provide the strong anchor in front of the slow defence to stop potential attacks even before they become a reality. These are the 2 who does most of the tackling and winning the balls by snapping at the opponents' heels, making sure that the defence hold firm.

Pirlo, the defensive attacking midfielder, picks up the loose balls and passes the ball to Kaka/sprays a long through ball to the strikers/lauch a counter attack down the flanks using Cafu and Maldini. Pirlo has such a sweet and cultured right foot to aid him in his quest, he hardly misplaces a long pass, not to mention a short one. And when I come to the last midfielder, Kaka, one would know that I have time and again been amazed by his level of play. He is the main man in making this formation a successful one. Be it running at the defence, making defence splitting passes, or bringing wingbacks Cafu and Maldini into play, he is a master in all aspects of the attacking game - no one in the world comes close to imitating the directness of his style.

Leading the attack are proven strikers Shevchenko and Crespo. They are strikers that can finish off half chances that come their way. In addition, they possess pace and adequate ball control to latch on to through balls by Kaka and Pirlo, and stick the real chances into the back of the net.

With Dida in goal, Milan have arguably the best first XI in Europe. Milan adopt a defensive stance throughout the 90 minutes of the game and only attack when they feel that they have a chance to punish their opponents. It is because they have such a reliable defence and extremely potent attack, they are the only team that makes me believe that possession doesn't necessarily win games - every counter attack almost always seem to result in a goal. However, this doesn't mean that Milan cannot keep possession. On the contrary, they are great possession keepers too, especially when they are a goal up and nearing the end of the match - they excel in the "shut out" cattenaccio too.

Milan is not a team without flaws, it is just that the players complement each other so well that I cannot help but salivate whenever I see them at their imperious best. In the future, they have to keep buying players that have the potential to suit this playing style. Micheal Owen is a pacy finisher that comes to mind and quick attacking wing backs like Ashley Cole can fit well into this system.

I'm quite a fan of this system and I find that it works well with Hall One's defensive tradition. Time and again when I urge the team to attack, I am disappointed by replies that we're a defensive team. This comes as a great solution to our problems but we also need to find the suitable players. Do hope we perform well in the next Inter Hall Games.

In the meantime, one can be sure that I will still preach the system of "defending by brains, attacking by heart".

Listen

2005-06-28T13:15:00.000+08:00

Everyone loves a conspiracy. It gives them a topic to talk about. But there are those who just love a conspiracy so that they just display their strong opposing viewpoints just to show that they are "stronger?". I don't know if the right word is used here, but I'm sure all of you have met such people sometime in your lives. Recall how often have you proposed an idea, philosophy and you think it is pretty good, innovative and felt that it was thinking out of the box. Then some narrowminded idiot immediately puts you off by claiming that your idea is totally crap - even though he hasn't even given you a chance to explain what you felt.

I would say give everyone a chance to say what they want to say. I don't mean by just letting them rattle on and on. But everyone should show genuine interest in listening. (And I don't mean looking genuinely interested... There's a difference.) How often do people actually listen nowadays?

In Straits Times under the section "YOUTHink" yesterday, there was this girl who wrote about her decision to go to an ITE after completing her O levels. It wasn't because she did not do well enough for a place in a polytechnic but maybe she felt that she needed more time before moving on. She's now a graduate of a certain polytechnic but she recalls the taunts, jibes and shocked looks of the people around when she told them about her decision then.

It wasn't a case where she didn't have a plan. Because if she didn't have a plan, she would have deserved some of the taunts. But her plan was to complete her studying in polytechnic, which she has done so, then move on to finding a job. After a few years of working experience, she felt that maybe by then, she would be wiser than most people to decide what course she would want to do a degree in.

Breaking away from the norm is always a hard choice to make. But how many of us now regret our decision to study in our current field of specialisation? Have we all asked ourselves "hey, maybe bio science is not for me."? The society should give a chance to those who have chosen to break away from the norm. We should always listen to them and not despise them because learning is all-rounded and we do not do all our learning in school. Sometimes we can learn subconsciously from what people are saying.

I feel that the first step to an open-minded conversation that this enriching and educational is to open up ourselves. By accepting that others have their things to say, we can actually think about what they have said. Because if you have already rejected their ideas, there would be nothing to think about anyway. And only by thinking, would the conversation be enriching and fulfilling.

Listening can only be cultivated from young. Afterall, as the saying goes, "human achievements are 30% nature and 70% nurture". Parents should learn to listen their kids from the time they come into existence. This is because children tend to look upon their parents as role models, especially from a tender age of 3 to just before they go to school at maybe around 7. And because children communicate to some extent as such an early age, it is important for parents to start developing their kids' listening skills. I always see this kitchen scene -

"Mummy, look! I drew a car!"
"Nice. Now go play with your brother, can't you see I'm cooking?" Mum replied, waving her hand dismissively.

Cooking still has to go on but there is probably a better way to tell your child not to disturb you. Parents tend to be too dismissive and discourage conversations with their children because they use words like "don't", "must", "should". A better way to "chase" your child to away is to encourage him/her to do something else, such as "Nice car, maybe if you colour it red, it would look even nicer."

This dismissive attitude towards their children and poor listening skills tend to become a habit and soon, parents will start to complain about their kids being rebellious. This probably is because their children have learnt from their parents and developed such poor listening skills that they do not heed to their parents' concerns. Many of us have lesser or little conversations with our parents nowadays because we find that they do not answer directly to our questions, conversations tend to change topic too readily and also they do not listen to us enough. Our parents have developed a habit to dismiss us immediately and listen poorly to our ideas but this does not mean that they are old and daft. Instead, we should think about ourselves too because we probably will become like them in the future and have problems with our children - it is very much a vicious cycle, because this dismissive attitude and poor listening skills will be passed down to future generations.

Slowly, the society will learn to listen but we're still far from the ideal. Many of us still have to break away from the norm and develop our own thinking and ideas. We cannot be just agreeing with just any idea because by agreeing to all ideas, we will soon find that we are just contradicting ourselves. Listening is one of the ways to go forward and be radical because thinking can only be generated after absorption of ideas.

If you've made this far into this radical idea I've wrote, congratulations. You've learnt to absorb knowledge and listen to what I have to say. Now go forth, spread the word and educate the people around you. Everyone should learn how to listen.

Lighten Up

2005-06-24T10:57:00.000+08:00

Remember how David Beckham ballooned his penalty? I didn't believe it too... Till I considered the fact that he and Johnny Wilkinson are friends...

Remember The Headphones

2005-06-23T16:25:00.000+08:00

Suffering from another case of wanting to write so much, but haven't really organised my thoughts. Spent Tuesday night with the Catalans, this time in Bruce's house. Like many other nights spent together, Wilson was the one who lead the conversations. Topics that always interest me, and spark thinking. Although we've only known each other for less than two years, we've developed a friendship that I hardly can find nowadays. Seems like he'll be a major influence in me for years to come.

Ever thought about what is mad? "Mad is odd" or so Wilson claimed. I agree to some degree. Mad people are so because of the fact that they have no situational awareness in them. In many cases, their brains have damaged and they behave strangely. They have no sense of social norms. They are the odd people in the society - the outcasts. The ones that the so-called "normal" people tend to stay away from.

However, as I thought about it, there is also reason to believe that mad people are mad because they choose to do so. Think about a girl who had a bad time living with her stepfather, who constantly assaulted her sexually. Imagine the amount of damage done to her psychologically - she would fear any men that came in her way. This damage have done her brain harm - psychological harm and not physical harm. Realising that acting strangely would have kept the men away, she chose to become mad.

Why did I use the word "chose"? Freedom means having the option of choice. And that by doing so, the girl would have effectively kept men away for the simple reason that "normal" people tend to stay away from the odd. And if you think about it, when one is labelled a "mad person", imagine that amount of freedom he receives from just the label!

A mad person can do almost anything he likes and get away with it. He can suddenly yell out loud right in the middle of Orchard Road and do a little jiggly-like dance and really don't give a damn about what others might say. People can stare at him, laugh at him, chastise him but in the end, he would have nothing to lose. You can say that a person who chooses to be mad have "seen through everything" and that "anything doesn't matter anymore". Pride doesn't matter anymore, "face" is thrown, but what the hell, who gives a damn?

On the other hand, not everyone can choose to be mad. It takes a lot of courage and often it is also the result of a major setback or a psychological attack. This is because when you choose to be mad, it would mean that you lose the people around you. You would lose the emotional growth the the people around you can offer. Your friends leave you because they feel that they cannot gain emotionally from you. You are not expected to carry out a sensible conversation.

Those who do not belief me, try doing something mad when you walk along Orchard Road one fine day with a group of friends. When I mean mad, I mean stark raving mad. Embarrassing yourself and the friends around you, and then look to see if your friends still acknowledge you.

However, that would be a process of learning. Learning to be able to throw away your pride and "face" and experience the courage that is needed to do so. Everyone should try to be mad at least once. Do something crazy in Orchard Road, wear headphones and listen to music if you need to do so - just to boost your courage. The idea is to look stupid, idiotic, out-of-place and potentially funny, not something illegal like standing in the middle of a road. I don't mean dancing like a boyband when you're already a good dancer.

I suggest doing a 360 degree spin, then moonwalk, ending with a hand grabbing your crotch and going "AW!" - like what Micheal Jackson would do. 5 minutes of madness would do. Chances are, you would not be able to pull it off (but that's the idea) and attact a lot of stares and potential laughter. And while you are being drowned in all the laughter and curious stares, you would have experienced something. You would have learnt to give up your pride.

As you walk away, you are triumphant. You would have won the battle. And the snigger that would have been the loudest would be yours because all the rest didn't realise the reason for the 5 minutes of madness... All except you.

So This Is What Is Wrong..

2005-06-23T11:16:00.000+08:00

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Robinitis
Cause:	running too fast
Symptoms:	glimpses of underlying reality, photophobia, suicidal thoughts
Cure:	pass it on to someone else within seven days
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

From the looks of it, I really should refrain from running. Haha...

Totally Unreasonable...

2005-06-17T00:17:00.000+08:00

For some bloody-stupid-damn-idiotic-totally-outta-this-world reason, I am discouraged by people around me from doing the things that I want to do.

Make this clear people,
-I'm NOT injured by some mad sliding tackle.
-The computer does NOT explode from too much gaming.

Come on man. When I'm well and want to play football, you people come over and tell me that I should play less lest I get injured again and all that crap.

And now I'm injured and left at home with nothing to do, the same people tell me not to play too much games.

OOKAY, so I'm supposed to sit around all day, stare blankly at the wall and try to pierce the wall through with my eye-power so that I can see what exactly is happening in the other HDB unit.

I'm going swimming tomorrow.

I would not be surprised if someone comes along and tell me not to just in case I drown myself in the swimming pool...

A Week Of Inconveniences

2005-06-13T02:36:00.000+08:00

Okay... I'm back in Hall and it's been more than a week since I sprained my ankle. Been feeling better now but should take a week more or so to get it totally healed. Hopefully by then I can seriously start training for IPPT.

Just a summary on the horrendous week of finding my house a little too large for a one-legged limp. I couldn't walk when I returned home from football after spraining my ankle. It still amazes me how I managed to cycle home through the pain. The difficult part was of course, trying to carry the bike up the doorstep. In the end, I had to summon my trusty brother to keep the bike for me.

I spent the next couple of days crawling and hopping about in my home. And I would never forget how I dreaded the stairs leading to my bedroom. Bathing was a chore too. And so was changing shorts. That's all due to the fact that my foot was so tender, I couldn't even bear to rest it on the ground. Needless to say, it would be like sitting down on a bed of syringes if I were to put my weight into my right foot.

On Tuesday, I went to see an osteopath in, of all places, Chinatown. My mum accompanied me, and by then, I could hobble around through the pain barrier. But it was also a sight as my trailing leg caused many curious stares. It was my first time at an osteopath. The old man was kindly and looked very experienced. However, it was madness how he twisted my poor ankle like contorting pieces of Play-Dough. I could hardly walk again after the session and almost pleaded with my mum to take a cab home. We didn't. But the journey back home was painful and tiring. Painful for my right ankle, tiring for my left leg.

After visiting the osteopath for the second time on Thursday, I could walk around with some ease. And by yesterday afternoon, I was trying to juggle the rubber ball that I have at home... What a week...
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Been feasting my eyes on this pair of silver Adidas Predator Pulse boots. Slurpp...