____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

00:22
Tuesday, August 31, 2004

____I'm missin' ya'll... 想回到过去...

Was feeling down the other day. It has got something to do with a quiz, but I'm over it. I hope. It just means that I am not good enough. Yet it is not a sign to give up. Brian said once to regroup and strike again. I will be looking for my chance.

Back to the sickening feeling I mentioned few entries back. All I want to say is that it has sort of diminished. Thankfully. The next time it comes, I will just treat it the way that I've treated it. Let nature take its own course and all bad things will pass.
______________________________________________________

I am kind of missing my campmates, the football kakis that accompanied me through boredom during which I was at Bedok. Wilson, you hear me? EPL's started but Man Utd ain't doing well. Let's gather at your place again and cheer for our team. And jeer stupid Chelsea. I miss your Playstation2-SCVcableTV-unlimited Internet access-sofa-airconditioning-ceiling fan-plus balcony, that over looks the lonely street-third floor-double room. Let's play "winning" overnight again. Oh... Not to mention the occasional drinks and snacks that your maid brings up. Man, I just like your house.

I wonder if you all have noticed the beauty of the camp at around 1730 - 1830. I wonder even more whether you missed the scenery. The view from the grandstand of the stadium. The magnificent odd eagle that soars way above the canopy of the trees. The trees that sway harmoniously with the calming breeze. The soothing whisper of the trees when the leaves rustle. The silhouette of the clouds against the backdrop of the pinkish sky as the sun begins to set. The warmth of the ray of sunlight that trickles on all of our bare shoulders. It was so poetic.

Did you all notice it? Did you all sit back and pull yourselves away from the conducting of the test?

Or was MSG Eng's voice all you hear?

I miss the time when all of us kept stores together.

I miss the kickabouts we had under the evening sky...

Currently Feeling Like: Beckham (Real Madrid) missing Man Utd.

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13:29
Friday, August 27, 2004

____Back to Reality

Reality is that I'm not cut out to be an engineer.

Currently Feeling Like: Juan Veron (Inter Milan) got kicked out Man Utd then Chelsea.

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02:02
Monday, August 23, 2004

____Late Night Wonder

Here I sit fed up with myself. I am not in control of things nowadays. And I hate it.

I cannot seem to grasp maths like i did before. And now, there's physics and chemistry to deal with. Things are really tough. I used to be able to accept new information easily and readily. Something is wrong with my brain.

I am not even enjoying football as I used to be able to. Yes, I like playing football and every game is worth looking forward. But I don't enjoy as much as before. The skills do not flow anymore. The reading isn't there. And I tire easily nowadays. Plus I get pushed around.

Some guy tripped me up today and I can't even find a reply for the incident. Normally I get up firing all cylinders. Now I winced and gritted my teeth as I examine the sore areas - a gashed shoulder, scratched hip, a scratched palm, a bruised thumb, and a wounded sense of self. That guy didn't even seem sincere in his apology. Not to mention that I could not find the skill to get back at him.

I've lost it.

Then there is this feeling. La la la. I shall live in oblivion. I don't know with it is. What is it? What the hell am I talking?

My toe still hurts. The back of my hand too.

My knee feels funny, I could almost laugh.

Currently Feeling Like: Paul Gascoigne (don't know where now) drank a mug too many. Should sleep.

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01:42
Friday, August 20, 2004

____Oh... Rain and umbrella will complete the day....

The University should have more union days. I had such an enjoyable time today.

Firstly it allowed late nights. So despite the trobbing headache and the high inertia to move from my comfy seat, JJ and I joined them for a nice supper of nasi lemak. Yum. After that, chatted with Shengwei and Angeline through the night. Not very constructive conversations, because we were too tired to think much. Or maybe I was just too tired. But it gave me a reason not to turn in early nonetheless.

I fell asleep at around 0530 in the morning, with the decision to sleep through the morning and only to wake up for lunch. At 1000, I was awaken by a loud commotion of banging on my door - Baka's voice. And Sensiang. That did not seem to have much effect on JJ and me though. And we slept on through the commotion - until Baka discovered the door was unlocked. And in they barged - I was greeted by two sunshiney boys, eager to have fun. Sensiang was especially in the mood. So, rather reluctantly, I pulled myself out of the bed and got ready for softball.

This sort of set the pace and mood for the day. Sunshine and frolicking around the lush greenery of the field. Lunch was good. Even the afternoon lecture was good. Chris took out his car keys and saved us the sweat from climbing the stupid slope. Yay, Chris, you're great!

Squash and dinner followed. Dinner was great. The few of us sat at the stone table talking and eating. Well, Justin wasn't talking much. Must have been too busy eating. And oh, See Hiong did most of the talking. Crapping. But the feeling was good with only the night sky above our heads and nothing else.

Was made captain for the road relay. No big deal. Just some work. Still have not much idea how to go about doing it. Probably will ask some of the seniors.

All that is lacking is some soft spilling rain. A walk sharing an umbrella down a slope will be nice. Brings memories.

Currently Feeling Like: Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) having summer break after a tough season. Ahh........

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00:58
Tuesday, August 17, 2004

____What Have I Done?!

DAMMIT!!

I hate it. I hate this feeling. I wished it didn't come back so fast.

I had such a hard time getting out of it. I played football. I talked to people. I lie awake at night thinking about it. I cursed at it. I cursed till I sleep. I wake up feeling lost.

It has destroyed my life - damaged my dreams. It is like a horror film. Some lucky ones step out of it satisfied and happy. People like me end up badly shaken from the ordeal. And now I realise I am in one of it again...

Is it my fault?
How did I allow such a thing to happen to me again?!
Do I want it? If yes, can I handle it?
If no, can I live in oblivion? Can I pretend it's not there?
Can somebody remove this tormentor? Or is it already part of me?
Is there anybody at all?!

I cannot live like this. Let me off. I've had enough.
Don't give me this feeling if I'm not good enough. Come back only when I am worthy of it.

放过我吧...

Currently Feeling Like:

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15:26
Saturday, August 14, 2004

____Losing it...

Ok. I am a PTI.
A PTI is fit.
A PTI can swim.
A PTI is a physiotherapist.
A PTI is a friend.
A PTI is an instructor.
A PTI is capable of conducting fitness tests.
A PTI conducts gym lessons.
A PTI can clear SOC in full battle order.
A PTI is a doctor.
A PTI endures and excels.
A PTI is a white devil.
A PTI is paid to idle.
It seems that a PTI is everything.

"PTI!!! My leg injured!! What training should I do?"
"PTI!!! How does this gym machine work?!"
"PTI leh... How can you be exhausted?!"
"PTI leh... You think PTI cannot run?!"

Ok. Correction. I was a PTI. I was fit. I was in the AHM team. I was able to clear SOC in FBO. I was able to do amazing stuff. But I was. I am unable to carry the name of a PTI anymore. Not that I cannot. I just don't like being reminded that I was. Seeing everything slowly but steadily slip away from you is not the best thing to observe.

Ever since school started, I have not clock a single mileage of running. Back then, it was 50 km per week. Week in week out. Ever since school started, I have not stepped into a gym. Back then, I was in the gym everyday. Day in day out.

I have not been sleeping correctly too. Rushing tutorials late into the night then waking up early to attend lessons has a horrific effect on how I feel. I am tired most of the time. And in the weekends, I can sleep until 12 noon, like what I did today.

For a long time after ORD, I weighed myself on my mum's new Osim weighing scale. 60.9kg. Gawd, have I lost weight. Lost mass. Muscle mass. Looks like I will never hit Paul Scholes' weight. Okay. Maybe I am dreaming, but I want to get heavier so that I won't get pushed around so much when playing football.

IPPT window has opened. It is time to get my ass off the comfy chair to get some running mileage. The gym is beckoning too. So is the urge to play football....

Currently Feeling Like: Solskjaer (Man Utd) being sidelined for too long. Much too long.

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01:01
Wednesday, August 11, 2004

____High~

Many things happened the past few days. Many crests, many climaxes. I have a lot of things to write, but suddenly, I do not feeling like writing all of them.

Last Friday - Robin, when you read this years from now, look tenderly at the back of your left hand and tell someone how much it hurt when someone with boots, studs and all, stomped on it.

Monday - Kuishinbo. Everytime I finish a buffet, I tell myself never ever to go for buffets again. It is as close to a Japanese torturing you during WW2.

Moving on to something that is more important to me - football. It was a hugely contested game between Rockies and Everest. Neither team were willing to give room for the opponents and this constituted a pretty boring game of midfield tussle and defensive clearances. The chances for me to perform were largely limited.

Then as most matches go, mistakes are inevitable. Eric's horrific backheader left 'keeper stranded and before we knew it, we were a goal down. A goal down midway through the second half. A revival seems bleak as not much time was left. Yet, we all suddenly sprang into life, looking urgent and searching for the equaliser.

Then it came. The clearance from defence reached my striker who had great presence to knock it into my direction.

First touch - A jumping header to guide the ball away from the fast approaching defender.
Secong touch - Pushed the ball away from the defender and through on goal.
Third touch - Guided the ball towards the left of the goal mouth.
Fourth touch - Look up, take aim, and fire. The left footed shot bulged the net. I was in ecstasy.

What a rush of feelings. I wheeled away to celebrate and ran around 40 metres to Lianshi. Strange, but the first person I want to celebrate it with was him. Maybe because he was the captain, maybe because he gave me this opportunity. Maybe I identify him as my new mentor. Whether he agrees with me or not, I don't really care.

Sadly, we lost the game on penalties. Losing on penalties is always a pity. It does not show how well the team performs. It is not a good reflection of who was the better team.

Anyways, got to run now. Tutorials are driving me crazy and typing with aching legs really is tough. And oh, really thank Junming and Mingjun and the rest of the guys who was part of the "conspiracy". Thank you guys.

Currently Feeling Like: Kaka!!

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23:06
Monday, August 02, 2004

____Ignorant Me

Whew.

All the hustle and bustle of University life. It really eats people up. There is no time to even stop to think and that is why this entry took a while to come. Time to think. I must really hand it to my Physics tutor. He is really fast. Really really fast. Faster than all the fast things that one can think of multiplied by 23934637234175. He did not even stop for us to catch our breaths. Needless to say, I was as lost as before I attended his tutorial. Maybe even more lost.

Speaking of lost. I lost my way around NTU today too. Not really lost but I just could not find the stupid TR57. And so Royce and I went from North spine to South spine, misled by some idiot-Royce-friend. Luckily, I had some brains to call Sherry who gave us the right directions - back to North spine where we finally found the stupid room. Thanks, Sherry.

And oh, I have finally fixed my damned bloody computer. I must comment that the NTU lan is really horrible. Flooded with viruses and worms. After the whole episode, I learnt a lot from the poeple around me. They provided assistance and advice to what I was to do. I never realised getting a new computer involved so many processes. I must extend utmost thanks to Jared who spent two freaking late nights helping me with my computer. Thanks, Jared, you are great!

So, on I go, embarked on an exciting and tough journey. Hope I emerge a better person coming out of it.

Currently Feeling Like: Andriy Shevchenko (AC Milan) scoring the equalising goal against Manchester United. So relieved.

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____T.A.G.B.O.A.R.D

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