____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

01:42
Sunday, November 28, 2004

____Just busy...

I've been so busy with trainings of all sorts. All hall related. Road relay, track and football. Plus GE which I've taken up this holidays. Plus other hall stuffs. I think everything has taken a toll on me.

It is like there is no time for a breather. No time for myself. No time to carefully think and phrase my latest entry such that my thoughts flow properly.

I had my first formal football training two days back. It was really fun. Different from normal playing and when rules are set for mini games, such as a player can only take three touches with the ball at one go, suddenly I realise that support and making yourself available for a pass is so important to the build up of a move. And it also requires you to look up and look for teammates.

Besides mini games, we had some technique training - important in the modern game as time on the ball is limited, and gameplay training - basic foundations of moves. I liked the gameplay training. It simulates actual match conditions, minus the defenders. In a way, it was fun because it was really morale boosting - blasting the ball into the empty net. Haha..

On to other stuff. More important stuff. At least everyone around me thinks so. Which I think I have to follow their advice. That is to rest my injured back. It has prolonged since 2 months back till now and the condition has worsened. I think I have to do something about it. But then, sacrifice football training? Dammit. Yet another dilemma...

Currently Feeling Like: Unable to move any part of my body without feeling pain somewhere....

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01:58
Sunday, November 21, 2004

____Oops, I mean girl...

Now I'm gonna make you dance,
It's your chance,
Yeah boy shake that ass...

Eminem is so addictive. And hilarious. I've been playing this song since afternoon. I think I really have a penchant for rhymes. It's really interesting to make sentences that sound the same, at the same time make a decent storyline out of it. Like Shakespeare. Almost, but without the studying. The thing about Shakespeare is that you have been forced to study it instead of just reading it leisurely. It really spoiled his works.

Anyway, I just came back from Hexian's birthday party. I was really impressed at the way he set out to make a happening one for everyone he invited. I thot it was really good. Partly because of the massive size of the bungalow. 5 rooms in total!! I've never heard of anything like that before. And of course the food. It was just too much. I rarely raise both my hands and surrender to food. But this time I thought I was taken hostage.

It was unfortunately sad for him that nobody wanted to stay overnight. It was such a pity. 5 rooms! Maybe I should have initiated the stay, but I really wanted to play football tomorrow. Is my choice wrong? I don't know. I just hope he had a wonderful time getting smeared by cake and Zhijian's gross concoction of satay gravy, curry and god knows what.

Anyway, I got to see some people whom I rarely meet. It was just great to have another gathering. At least I know that these people my life once crossed path with, are still doing okay. That's what I mean. Catch up before you realise that your friends are gone.

Currently Feeling Like: Maradona now... heh heh... too much eating.

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01:55
Friday, November 19, 2004

____Damn bored...

So damn freaking bored...
No football?!
Games play until sian already.
Somehow, the exams are over but I'm not really enjoying. I'm stuck here in NTU waiting for a chance to play football. Apparently, no one is around. What shit...

Currently Feeling Like: Damn bored...

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01:09
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

____Observations - Friends

The exams are over and I thought that I have got many things to write about and I might as well get started now.

Important things. Things that decide how we should live our lives. Things that I observe that matter a lot to me. Things that others may observe and may not matter to them at the moment, but they may regret later on in their lives, not paying more attention to it. Things that we will inevitably have to come in touch with more than once in our lives.

Yet, I am not sure where to start - my memories are blurred, I reminisce less effectively now - twenty-one years of images stored in a jumbled up manner such that there is not much of a chronological order anymore.
I have kind of an "up-and-down" life, who doesn't? But maybe I can identify better with mine. It is like golden eras of dynasties, rising and falling, due to multiple factors and reasons. I think maybe I shall start with friends.

Like many others, I have got many types of friends - "hi-and-bye" friends, "come-and-go" friends, friends that I communicate a lot with but rarely meet and friends that do not really need to communicate much but we know that we are there for each other. Of course, there are many other in-betweens and sub-groups of friends, but they are of the minority.

In primary school, I was the quiet, shy one. Unwilling to mix around and of course, the strict upbringing did no help. I found it hard to hang out with people, not that I wanted to anyway, but when I want to, I had to do a lot of explaining and reporting. So I cannot say I have friends from that point in my life.

It all started in secondary school. More freedom, good results and performance both in my CCA and academically brought me to meet some people whom I will never forget. Especially some of those from my CCA. One of my seniors told us then - "There will be many other friends that will come your way in your lives later on, amongst those, the ones you think of most, care for most, will be willing to be there most, are the ones that you make right here and now, in times of hardship." - maybe not exactly that well phrased, but somewhere along the lines. And things cannot be more true. I got sick of studying later on in upper secondary, and there were many... erm... distractions as well. I ended up in a NYJC, a place which I did not want to go to. I knew right then that I will miss my friends who went on to AJC.

That coincided with the doldrums of my life. My studies spiralled with increasing acceleration. I gave up on many things. I played too much and indulged in computer games - living in the world of fantasy. I flunked my mid year exams just before the A levels. My tutor had a talk with my dad. Finally with much struggle, I pulled myself together and slogged through my A levels. I had constantly turned to my AJC friends for help and advice.

A break from studies did me good. I found back the confidence I once had. I once again had the confidence in my abilities. Running, football and great working relationships with my peers. I made many friends whom I shared my problems with.

Now is the point where I begin to see some problem. Suddenly, some of those friends whom I couldn't bear to part with during sec sch do not seem so important to me now. Or maybe I seem to vanish from their lives. It is as though I died from the point they moved on in their lives. I regret not keeping in contact with them during my NS time. But I have occasionally tried to talk to them through MSN. People whom I used to be able to share my thoughts freely suddenly have a disinterest in what I have been up to. Am I already dead?

Or maybe I never existed?

I read an article by Sumiko Tan once. She was talking about her relationship with the people around her. And how some seem to just disappear from her life. I thought I could relate quite well with her experiences. She too shared some stories of her disappearing friends.

I have sinced left the army and am studying in a University. I do keep contact with some of my NS friends. But there are others whom I rarely meet now yet I fondly recall going through so much together and having so much fun playing football. I wonder do they remember those days.

Friends nowadays seem to come and go. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the ones who've been sticking around - you know who you are. I do not commit myself to making good friends nowadays. I dare not. I may seem like I do not care. But I have a fantastic imgination. Sometimes I think that maybe disaster will bring us all together again. Maybe we have to fight together in the same war to start appreciating each other again. Maybe one of us have to die from a terrible disease before we realise we had so much to tell each other.

I am afraid of losing real friends.

Contact yours now...

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23:42
Saturday, November 13, 2004

____Injury Time

It is late into injury time. My exams are finally nearing the end. The fight is tough and I have got to say that the fight is not over until the results are out. The Chemistry paper did quite a lot of damage though. The rest of the papers were not that bad. Like some of my seniors pointed - they are not out to kill anyone. Well, I've got another line to add on to that - except maybe the bo chap chemistry lecturer. Nevertheless, I would not be expecting flying results from this exams.

Feeling kind of lost now too. No aim. Funny how humans are - when they have nothing to do, they complain they are bored; when they have too many things to do, they complain that they are tired. But I have accepted it as part of life, so I just let it be.

Not for another more pissing matter though. But recently nothing bad has happened, so I'm pretty fine. No more "I'm-gonna-shove-the-whirring-chainsaw-down-the-next-asshole's-throat/nostrils" tendencies. Well, at least not now. Not yet.

The other night I was playing with this Hall 1 kitten along with Junwei and Chris. The little thing must have thought the dried leaf from the fir tree (I think it's a fir tree), is the tail of a frightened mouse. We were making the poor thing run around, spinning, chasing, scratching, clawing at the hyperactive "mouse tail". It was damn comical, especially when I moved the "tail" rapidly from side to side. The kitten pranced around like a crazy loon. Those in Hall 1 should try it. That's what I call animal therapy.

Currently Feeling Like: The season is over again!

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22:26
Saturday, November 06, 2004

____I Give Up...

I don't want to be a hypocrite.
I try not to be a hypocrite.
I don't want to be shallow.
I try to be diplomatic.
I learn to listen.
I am patient, am I not?
I try to give in.
I am open to ideas.
I try not to impose mine upon others.
I try not to hurt others.
When I do, I feel remorse.

Yet, somehow, people aren't doing the same.
Why?

Am I not giving enough?
Why do people keep pointing the finger others?
Why do people judge by what they see?
Why do some people always take but never give?
Why are people still so shallow?
Why are some people so critical of others?

I hate the way people say one thing but their actions prove otherwise.
I hate the hypocrites.
I give up on humankind. No one shows the respect for anyone else anymore.

It is a bloody flawed society.
I cannot find permanent consolation anywhere in the world anymore.
Everytime somebody gives me a reason to relive my confidence for humankind, someone else just comes along and prove otherwise again.

At this rate, we can all extinct as soon as possible. Stop worrying about the ozone hole. Forget about depleting the Earth's resources. Why bother about Osama bin Laden?
It is not worth the effort for the sake of man's survival.
Somebody please release all of the Earth's nuclear power and wipe us all from the face of this planet. I've had enough.

If you disagree, come along and try giving me permanent consolation.

But I assure you, that to me, all of it is just false hope...

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14:52
Wednesday, November 03, 2004

____Kickoff

The exams kicked off for me, starting with Mathematics 1, one day later then some of my other friends. I have done pretty much practice with the past year papers and my tutorials.

Confidence on a high and waking early feeling refreshed from an early night's rest, I made my way along with three other friends to the examination ground.

Two and a half hours later, I left the examination hall feeling stunned and down. The paper is not necessarily very difficult and in fact, most of the questions are rather straightforward. Yet, there were lots of questions that I did not know how to do. Actually, I knew how to do them. Just that somehow, my mind likes to blank out at crucial moments. Come to think of it, a pass grade is possible, the A grade that everyone aims to hit(especially for maths), seems out of reach for me now...

Nevermind all that. There's no looking back now. The kickoff whistle has been blown. The score hopefully is still on parity at 1-1. Got to look forward to the next paper - Computing.

All the best to myself.

Yeah, and all of you too.

Currently Feeling Like: Scoring a goal yet putting one into my own net.

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____T.A.G.B.O.A.R.D

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