____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

____Observations - Friends

The exams are over and I thought that I have got many things to write about and I might as well get started now.

Important things. Things that decide how we should live our lives. Things that I observe that matter a lot to me. Things that others may observe and may not matter to them at the moment, but they may regret later on in their lives, not paying more attention to it. Things that we will inevitably have to come in touch with more than once in our lives.

Yet, I am not sure where to start - my memories are blurred, I reminisce less effectively now - twenty-one years of images stored in a jumbled up manner such that there is not much of a chronological order anymore.
I have kind of an "up-and-down" life, who doesn't? But maybe I can identify better with mine. It is like golden eras of dynasties, rising and falling, due to multiple factors and reasons. I think maybe I shall start with friends.

Like many others, I have got many types of friends - "hi-and-bye" friends, "come-and-go" friends, friends that I communicate a lot with but rarely meet and friends that do not really need to communicate much but we know that we are there for each other. Of course, there are many other in-betweens and sub-groups of friends, but they are of the minority.

In primary school, I was the quiet, shy one. Unwilling to mix around and of course, the strict upbringing did no help. I found it hard to hang out with people, not that I wanted to anyway, but when I want to, I had to do a lot of explaining and reporting. So I cannot say I have friends from that point in my life.

It all started in secondary school. More freedom, good results and performance both in my CCA and academically brought me to meet some people whom I will never forget. Especially some of those from my CCA. One of my seniors told us then - "There will be many other friends that will come your way in your lives later on, amongst those, the ones you think of most, care for most, will be willing to be there most, are the ones that you make right here and now, in times of hardship." - maybe not exactly that well phrased, but somewhere along the lines. And things cannot be more true. I got sick of studying later on in upper secondary, and there were many... erm... distractions as well. I ended up in a NYJC, a place which I did not want to go to. I knew right then that I will miss my friends who went on to AJC.

That coincided with the doldrums of my life. My studies spiralled with increasing acceleration. I gave up on many things. I played too much and indulged in computer games - living in the world of fantasy. I flunked my mid year exams just before the A levels. My tutor had a talk with my dad. Finally with much struggle, I pulled myself together and slogged through my A levels. I had constantly turned to my AJC friends for help and advice.

A break from studies did me good. I found back the confidence I once had. I once again had the confidence in my abilities. Running, football and great working relationships with my peers. I made many friends whom I shared my problems with.

Now is the point where I begin to see some problem. Suddenly, some of those friends whom I couldn't bear to part with during sec sch do not seem so important to me now. Or maybe I seem to vanish from their lives. It is as though I died from the point they moved on in their lives. I regret not keeping in contact with them during my NS time. But I have occasionally tried to talk to them through MSN. People whom I used to be able to share my thoughts freely suddenly have a disinterest in what I have been up to. Am I already dead?

Or maybe I never existed?

I read an article by Sumiko Tan once. She was talking about her relationship with the people around her. And how some seem to just disappear from her life. I thought I could relate quite well with her experiences. She too shared some stories of her disappearing friends.

I have sinced left the army and am studying in a University. I do keep contact with some of my NS friends. But there are others whom I rarely meet now yet I fondly recall going through so much together and having so much fun playing football. I wonder do they remember those days.

Friends nowadays seem to come and go. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the ones who've been sticking around - you know who you are. I do not commit myself to making good friends nowadays. I dare not. I may seem like I do not care. But I have a fantastic imgination. Sometimes I think that maybe disaster will bring us all together again. Maybe we have to fight together in the same war to start appreciating each other again. Maybe one of us have to die from a terrible disease before we realise we had so much to tell each other.

I am afraid of losing real friends.

Contact yours now...

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