____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

16:02
Thursday, December 30, 2004

____I Really Couldn't Catch Up...

7 hard years of toil and sweat
On my mind when I tucked in bed
Never once when I needn't guess
What's going on in your head

The past 3 had been quite easy
Football, the thing that's in me
Loving friends who could really care
Yet never once could they really see

I've seen the persons come and go
They went real fast, never slow
They never stop, they never think
Sometimes I feel I should just let flow

Yesterday was one of those
When people made use of time the most
I really couldn't catch up with them
I just stood there - I just froze

From there, as one, the feeling grows
And I shall be the cheerful host
I really couldn't catch up with them
And once again, from right under my nose...

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01:39
Tuesday, December 28, 2004

____On Special Request

This entry is on special request from Junming who mentioned that the blog needs updating. Seriously, it's encouraging to find people reading my endless crappings.

Anyways, it was a event-packed Monday. After the lack of sleep on Saturday night, Sunday's sleep through till Monday was longer than usual - about 9.5hrs. Quite a lot of sleep for someone who hasn't been exercising much.

I woke up at around 1100 hrs and noticed some SMSes from some people. One of which was from my cousin who was eager for his swim. At around lunch time, he came over to my house and after showing him GTA Vice City, we cycled down to SGCC for our swim. Nothing much to mention about the swim, except maybe the obvious weakening of my arms. I simply couldn't muster the strength I had during my PTI course. My freestyle strokes seem weak. But no use lamenting.

Anyways, the place was nice, the jacuzzi was interesting. Especially with this suction thing in the middle of it. Funny sensation when you place both feet there and the thing just sucks. Haha...
Oh, there were bikini babes too. But I was too short-sighted to get a better peek.

Evening was a major affair when another of my cousin was having her wedding dinner. Actually I hate such functions. Like I mentioned in a previous entry - it is like showing a somewhat ordinary looking report card to your parents. People just ask a lot. But I suppose they are trying to create a conversation. Then again, do I give a damn?

Anyways, a strange observation is that besides my brothers, no one else close to me indulges in football. Strange and I wonder why. I suppose it is a blessing in a way so that I can have a more variety of friends. Then again, it will be a lot better if people close to me love football. So that when we run out of things to say, football will be the topic to start on all over again. And one can be sure that football does not fail to generate enough topics to last a whole night's conversation.

Wanted to ask my physio-cousin about my back, but I didn't have a chance. Well, maybe this Saturday. Heard there will be another family gathering.

Currently Feeling Like: Ronaldo's (Real Madrid) ACL tear.

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03:09
Friday, December 24, 2004

____Delta 99 - 2004 outing

Special thanks to Junming. I think in this life there will be a lot more thanking but it will never state the amout of gratitude that all of us have for you. You have made what seemed a daunting and impossible task possible. Not that I ever doubted your commitment and abilities, but it still amazes me to see you pull it off time and again.

We met at supposedly 1900hrs at Orchard MRT. It was god damned crowded and as usual I was in a piss with the crowd. Damn it, don't these people have to go home to rest?! Okay, maybe I was a bit selfish, but that is my natural reaction to crowds.

We had a simple dinner. That was it. With all of us having diversed interests and schedules, a simple dinner was good enough. Just talking and catching up made the dinner at Nooch pleasant enough.

Later on, Wilson managed to borrow his Dad's car. (I must mention it here for if not, the night would have ended young). Shan't go into details of what we did, but yeah, thanks Wilson, it was a nice night's out.

After looking at Junming's resolve, I'm determined to make the next one a more successful one. Hopefully I get the support from the rest just the way they did today.

Currently Feeling Like: Ronaldo (Real Madrid) ACL tear.

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01:45
Wednesday, December 22, 2004

____Chronic Pains 1

I found this from a website http://www.impaccusa.com/backfaq.html

"You must understand the complications of chronic pain. It is more than hurt. Chronic pain can actually change your emotions. It is theorized that chronic pain may cause chemical changes in the brain that add to your depression, anger, worry and mood, making your suffering worse for yourself as well as your family. As a result, your family relationships can change and your family may become very confused. They may worry about you and the future. This can create severe emotional and family relationship problems."

I am suffering from chronic back pain. I'm in another period of doldrums. Serious doldrums.

Currently Feeling Like: Ronaldo's (Real Madrid) ACl tear.

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01:20
Tuesday, December 21, 2004

____On the wane...

There was once I was a staunch believer that friendships made in secondary school were made to last. And every December after leaving ZHSS, my NPCC friends and I have made it a point to meet up at least once, no matter how busy our schedules are, no matter what commitments we have decided to uptake during the course of the year. And because of the fact that I rarely get to see some of them, I have learnt to look forward to such gatherings. I am thankful for the troubles that the "organisers" of such outings had to go through to make the outings possible.

*Give me a moment to sort my thoughts*

However, I have come to realise, over the last couple of years, that maybe some of us within the group are starting to take these efforts for granted. Not only are they unappreciative of the efforts, they are also unwilling to make efforts to help out in the organising. Sounds fine to you? No, it isn't. Such behavior is the basis of the fact that maybe the "everlasting friendship" is on the wane. It is the stepping stone for friendship decay. For this particular group of originally rather closely knitted friends, the seeds of nonchalance were planted and its growth till today have now bore fruit. The fruit today is that the so called friends have a reluctance to meet each other now.

I am not angry with anyone. I am not pointing the finger. I am admittedly, guilty of this sort of behavhior to a slight extent. The depressing thing is that, there seems to be no way of salvaging the situation. Maybe the best way is really to let go. Let those and only those who have the will and heart to carry on salvage the friendship.

I think this is the best conclusion - best way to deal with the problem, for I know that the organisers have had a really hard time with everyone pressing them for an outing and yet not willing to offer some ideas or help.

*The following thought is one which I felt that I should include here somewhere. It sounds out of place and weird for a conclusion, but I'm placing it right below all the same.*

The strange thing is I look forward to every holidays, especially December to meet up some old friends. The stranger thing is that towards Christmas, I suddenly got the inclination of not meeting anybody. To help you identify the feeling I feel, I would say it is like showing the somewhat ordinary looking report card of your results over the whole year to your parents.

Currently Feeling Like: Ronaldo's (Real Madrid) ACL tear.

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01:07
Tuesday, December 14, 2004

____Good Job?

Approximately 9 hrs after I learnt about the examination results for my first semester in NTU. Although I half expected it, the fact that I will have to retake chemistry next semester still leaves a sickening feeling inside me. And to make matters worse, my former PE teacher during my JC time died in a tragic traffic accident.

Up till this point, if I had not heard of this piece of news, I would not have thought about it. But upon reflection, I could not have but feel a little sad for this young man with budding aspirations as a teacher. Perhaps what we do have a little in common (me a PTI and he a PE teacher), I think back and realise the glint in his eye when he tries to impart knowledge about physical education to us. Like me, we both have aspirations to tell others more about sports and physical training. Yet, like me, he too, holds back and become less aspiring when faced with a group of disbelieving students (in my case, friends or people around me to be more general).

9 hrs on, my mind is still in a blur. It is equivocating to be exact. One half tells me about the mess I have gotten myself into. Reading "Alex Ferguson - Managing My Life" does not make me feel any better. It just goes to prove how useless people my age are in Singapore nowadays. There he was, at the age of seven, deciding to play football no matter how bad the conditions are, kids here are just learning their first vocabulary of vulgarities from their peers.

How Sir Alex made things happen and go his way is amazing considering the difficult times and surroundings. He was one who couldn't make it in his studies. He juggled an apprenticeship as a toolmaker while training as an amateur footballer. He had to deal with mugs and bullies in his area. He had to live by his father's stern expectations. He was thrown early into the politics of the footballing world. At the club, he made his own decisions, often important decisions that will affect his career move in the future. Boy, kids these days get it easy. I would probably identify myself as "kids these days".

This is probably one of the worst month this year. Having to deal with so many varying commitments, setbacks and blows. Everything couldn't come at a worse time - this period being the holidays. Listing the commitments for the upteenth time - football, track, road relay, publications, GE, friends, campmates and myself(at least I thought I could devote sometime to myself this hols). I was pretty looking forward to football, track and road relay. Disaster struck, injuring my back. To be honest, I asked for it, considering my refusal to rest it when it felt bad.
Once, when there was a time I took pride in being a decent footballer/runner, but now it seems I have nothing worth to tell myself "Good Job" at the end of the day. And yes, it feels sick not being able to link yourself to something decent at the end of the day.

Suddenly, I'm looking forward to the start of the new semester to set things right again.

10 hrs on. My mind still equivocates between reprimanding myself that "you are a useless bum!" and spurring myself on to inspirational heights next semester...

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11:17
Saturday, December 11, 2004

____Updates

Haven't been writing much here. Guess I'm still trying to come to terms with my back problem and the fact that I will probably not be able to continue taking part in this year's Interhall Games. Which is a very sad thing. I came to NTU to look to win my first football medal. Maybe it is just another distant dream for all my participation, I might not be even offered to stay on in Hall 1. But it will be a matter of the future, I shall let time decide.

So, as I rattle on and on to people around me, complaining of the bloody back problem and also explaining the loss of my handphone and housekeys, I turned to GTA Vice City, a game which I started a long time ago but did not have the drive to complete it. Maybe this holidays will allow me some time to complete the game.

Next week will be a busy week too. Starting from tomorrow, Sunday, when OMC have this fund raising project. But frankly, I don't have any bit of interest in this thing. Collecting newspapers is not a really fun thing to do on a SUNDAY. Besides, with my prolonged back problem, I don't think it is a good time to carry heavy stuff too.

Next on will be rushing an assignment that is due on Wednesday. I need to get my phone problem settled too by next week. Being phoneless is very very inconvenient. Then, I still got to pack my SBO, for the bloody change of command parade on Thursday. Damn it. So early into my studies and they have to get me back. Bloody shit.

So yeah, for the time being, I will not be contactable through handphone. If anything, look for me through MSN.

And yeah, I seriously need to get some rest on my back. I still play football on the occasion!!!! Damn it. Must be professional enough to stop.

Currently Feeling Like: Solkjaer (Man Utd) out for the season.

---------------------------------

22:16
Saturday, December 04, 2004

____Dead

It's official. I'm dead. Try calling my handphone...

Currently Feeling Like: Lightning struck the football field.

---------------------------------

20:39
Thursday, December 02, 2004

____A confirmation of my existance...

Now that I am down injured in my back and the doctor has recommended me to rest for at least two weeks, seems like, my holidays would be just another set of aimless days. What originally was a period that has been eagerly looked forward to has just lost its meaning. Life is meaningless again.

Feeling kind of moody now. No one around, sitting at my table the whole day, waiting for something that wouldn't happen to happen. Not just particularly something. Anything. Anything of slightest interest at all. But no. Nothing will happen. I am down injured. I can't go for my favourite lonely jog to pass my time. I am sick of gaming. There is no one to talk to.

Just finished watching episode 21 of A Date With Vampire 3. There is this character who never dies, never ages, and has been living on earth since the start of time. He was the one who created man, yet lived millions of years even before he did so. He tells a story of loneliness. And yet he defines loneliness in another way. He mentioned - there are two types of loneliness. One of which is knowing that there are people around but no one is willing to be around. He suffered from a different type before he created man - peaceful loneliness. The type which the sufferer doesn't even know whether anything or anyone existed around him.

Up till this point, many which have thought why didn't I move on to episode 22. But probably would have argued that maybe I have not have episode 22 yet. Quenching doubts, I will confess that I do have episode 22. In fact, I have up till episode 27. I have all the time to watch all these episodes, but again, no. No, I will not be moving on until I can no longer take this loneliness. Because everyone knows that once tempted, the urge is strong. Once, the loneliness is curbed, the yearning will come back, and sooner or later, episode 27 will be gone and done with and I will probably die in my room. And rot over here over the weekend until someone smells the foul stench that seeps through the seams of the door and windows.
______________________________________________________________

he threw his business bag beside his table and slumped into the uneasy comfort of his chair. the silence is deafening as he reached out for the "on" button of the computer. sean has been doing this the past three and a half years and he know that there will be more years to come. more opening the doors to the darkness of his new york apartment. more exhausting reaches for the "on" button.

not for the first time, he looks at the table clock, wondering when will it be twelve, when he can snugly tuck into bed and forget about everything around him. he groaned when he realised that it was only half past eight. he had tried to stay on as late as possible in the office but he knew that if he did not leave soon, the building will be closed and will not open until the next morning.

for a moment, he stared blankly at the solemn monitor, he fingers instintively hovered the cursor over the "msn" icon and clicked on it. as he waited for the programme to load, his attention came to the picture on his desk...
_____________________________________________________________

I shall now boil water and cook instant noodles as I try to reconfirm my existance. Not for the first time...

Currently Feeling Like: Out for the rest of the season.

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____T.A.G.B.O.A.R.D

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