____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

01:16
Saturday, January 29, 2005

____I Might Just...

Was never meant to be like this.

Belief is just another intangible.
Hope is not even reachable.

Is it me? It is my back? Or is it my life?

Was so close to losing it.
So close to insanity.
So afraid to lose it.
So afraid that I might just take myself.

Can't believe I said that.
Can't believe in anything anymore.

Stop thinking.
Can't stop.

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18:58
Thursday, January 27, 2005

____Crazy Tutor!

I attended my first Material Science tutorial today and came across the most interesting tutor I've seen since I took my first step into NTU. No, I haven't been skipping tutorials, Material Science tutorials starts as late as week 4.

Anyway, this aspiring young Indian man came bubbling into the classroom smiling and all, nodding at the students.

"Good Afternoon!"

He greeted the class with much aplomb. His face was all smiles again. It was so much different from the dull chinamen we get for most of our tutorials. Following that, he introduced himself and joked and re-introduced himself for the latecomers. Here was a guy that was candid, quick witted, and full of non-stop talking.

He went on to go through the tutorial, demanding active participation from the students and occasionally picking on some of the quiet ones. At this point Tyrone and I were dreading the "siao on" tutor. He actually split the class into 2 groups and demanded answers from us - literally.

"Questions? No questions? Then I suppose you all have answers!"

"Okay now! There! Miss! Yes sir, you! Don't look behind, you're the only girl there! GIMME some answers.. ANSWERS!"

To prevent myself from getting picked on, I quickly gave some vague comments on the questions - or what the tutor likes to call "answers". So did Tyrone. Except when the tutor pressed furthur, deeper knowledge answers were lacking.

"Come on! Why?! Why is that so?!"

There were mumblings amongst us, yet he wasn't satisfied with what he heard. So on he went.

"WHY?!"

Tyrone got impatient and muttered, "That's the way it is..."

"THAT"S THE WAY IT IS?! COME ON! YOU NEED TO KNOW THE REASONS TO PASS YOUR EXAM!"

The tutor boomed loudly, and the rest of the tutorial was horror for Tyrone who was marked out by the over-eager beaver...

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23:59
Monday, January 24, 2005

____I Don't Get What The Big Deal Is Anyway...

Been really busy. I mean busy during the last weekend. Friday was Hari Raya Haji, but imagine waking up early in the morning to go car washing to raise funds. I had a terrible time pulling myself out of bed. Luckily car washing wasn't that bad, had some fun creating foams of soap and splashing them everywhere on the car.

Had the privilage to wake up late on Saturday, but had to go over to NUS that evening for the XQRJ concert. It was an eye opener, didn't know that there were so many raw talents in chinese song writing out there. What impressed me most though, was the way the event was organised - real neat and professionally done.

Stayed over at MJ's room that night and rushed back to NTU on Sunday morning to watch the football semis between Hall 1 and Hall 9. We took a fortunate lead but the goal was by no means of low quality. Vynesh half lobbed - half shot the ball from way out when put through on goal with the defence pretty static. But Hall 1 soon lost the plot. We sat too deep and our mindset was only to defend the lead. When Hall 9 equalised, we knew that the game wasn't ours to be. In extra time, the same person unleashed a rasping shot that dipped wickedly under the bar for the golden goal.

In a way, I was relieved, although I didn't show it. I hate the way I was left out of all the games when we made our way to the semis. Looks like we will have to try again next IH.
____________________________________________________

Then I attended the commissioning of my brother. Everything was so formal, so elaborate, so high class, so grand - it makes me sick to be a specialist. No use consoling me saying that specialists are like defenders of a winning football team (they do the shit but don't get the credit) and on the other hand, the officers are the classy strikers who get all the glory for winning. Afterall, I want to view myself as a player of great attacking flair (don't laugh). But yeah, all the money officers are getting every month is blatantly disgusting.

And yes, I'm jealous not being given a chance to wear No.1. And bloody sick of the fuss that my Dad kicks up. Going on and on about officers and everything. If one didn't get jealous from the beginning, all the propaganda would have made anyone tired of just listening to him go blah blah blah.

Good thing my brother is a level-headed lad.

I wonder if my dad would be so fussed up this time round if I were to have been commissioned first. I'm green-eyed jealous - he didn't even attend my passing out from SPT. I wonder when can I do something that can make him as excited as a damned commissionning parade.

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01:11
Monday, January 17, 2005

____Oh That Silly Grin...

What a Sunday!!

Climaxes and anti-climaxes of emotions and feelings. My busy day started comparatively calm. Had a nice breakfast at home hung around so that my parents don't miss my presence.

Soon after lunch, I made my way back to NTU for the road relay competition. I haven't really spoke about my captain role in this team - whether to adopt a disciplinarian style, or a carefree style. Quite difficult to lead a bunch of people who are your peers and some have decent running records too (The Flash come to mind there). Maybe I've lost that bit of leadership in me since leaving NPCC.

Anyway, our team did not do very well. It suddenly occured to me that to build a winning team in this race, the average timing of the guys have to hit at around 7min 30sec, while the girls will have to have a decent timing of about 9 minutes.

I have a few confessions to make since being the captain.
Firstly, I was not motivated to seek out the really talented runners. Most of my team was based on recommendations by others. One of the "should haves" would be to give time trials to every runner to test their ability.
Secondly, I was not motivated and firm enough to get on with training. It did not help to come down with an untimely injury although I know this should not be used as an excuse. The injury demoralised me. I did not have the drive that I felt at the start since being named captain.
Next, I was also afraid of how the morale of the team would turn out. I still maintain that it is not very nice to expect your peers to slog their holiday away training hard for a race while their captain relaxes and basks in the glory should the team win.
Lastly, and this is most probably the biggest mistake I made was that I let my head follow my heart. I was not only demoralised by my injury, I allowed my heart to flow to my first love - football. I realised I was concentrating and spending a lot more time on football than running.

I want to apologise for all my failings as a captain. I know I will not be the captain for the next round of IH road relay. I probably will not have another shot at it given my failings anyway. Nevertheless, I want to thank all the people, especially Ruren, who have given and shown tremendous support and understanding to the difficulties I face. If possible, when I am fit again and drafted into next year's team, I will give my utmost support and experience to the newly appointed captain whoever he/she may be (especially in terms of training methods).
______________________________________________________________

After the race, demoralised, sad, utterly lost and miserable, I made my way to the National Stadium eager to liven my spirits by seeing Singapore lift the Tiger Cup. The team did not disappoint. Indra scoring an opportunistic goal and earning another penalty for Agu to convert, making sure the Indonesians would never get to see light at the end of the tunnel.

The atmosphere was great. Cheering and jeering, Kallang wave, Kallang roar, shouts of "referee kayu!" all brought that special tingle to my spine. It has been a while since local football brought such a sensation to me.

Yet while everything was great and all, nothing beats meeting an old friend. Of all people, of all places, of all times, that person had to appear there and then, while I was talking on the phone and feeling all flustered about not having my ticket with me. I saw that silly grin again. Somehow, it lacked the coldness and nonchalance - on the other hand, it was rather warm and kind.

Oh that silly grin...

---------------------------------

23:44
Thursday, January 13, 2005

____Living My Dream...

When I was young, I dreamt to be a doctor. No kidding. In fact, I did well enough in my early sec sch years. I dreamt the dream. I was sure and certain I was going to study biology in sec 3. But I did not make the cut. Indiscipline took over. My dream turned into a nightmare.

But this story is not about me. It is about someone else. Someone whom I shared my dream with. Someone whom I can talk to all night about football and never get bored about it. Someone whom we can share the same thoughts without speaking out our minds. And while I dared to dream, he dared to live the dream. He lived my dream.

He is my brother, Rodney. Ever since primary school, there was never doubt about his capabilities. He was amongst the best academically and was also very active and competitive in other areas most notably in sports. I never doubted he could score straight As and an A2 for GP for his A levels. I never doubted he could make it to OCS. He will be commissioned soon - sometime this month.

Someone mentioned that he is a person of a different calibre. I cannot agree more. He is a young and motivated young man who is potentially capable of making great things happen. He will go on after NS to pursue a course in medicine in NUS.

Although I may not show it, I am simply proud of him. And for that reason, this entry is dedicated to him - my brother.

Happy 20th Birthday.

---------------------------------

01:36

____L5 is partially sacralised...

L5 is partially sacralised. The vertebrae are normal in alignment. Invertebral disc spaces are not narrowed. No spondylolysis or other bony lesion is detected.

The sacro-iliac joints are within normal limits.

There is no abnormal paravertebral soft tissue shadow.

Your lower vertebrae are stuck together...

The words still ring in my ears. And slipped disc is not even confirmed.

---------------------------------

23:02
Sunday, January 09, 2005

____How Wretched?

No. I'm not blaming anyone for the wretched life that I have.

How wretched?

Pretty Wretched.

Let me just forget all major and minor failings and incapabilities that I have accumulated over the years. Let me just start on what cannot be avoided.

Many tell me how they cannot match me for fitness. Yeah, I'm pretty glad but then I still maintain I am NOT the fittest, not even ranked among the "above average". On the other hand, I am pretty jealous of the healthy lives others have been living. Healthy meaning the absence of illnesses of sorts.

Could say I was born a sickly child. Then again, I only realised that fact that I was pretty different from all the other kids in school. "What?!", one might exclaim. But yes, pretty different. I realised that even though I enjoyed playing with the other kids, I was exempted from physical education lessons. For a good bit of my primary school life, I was sitting by the side, feeling ashamed for no particular reason, watching the other kids in envy as they race against each other and challenging themselves by playing various games that the teacher organised. In fact, I did not take PE for 5 out of 6 years in primary school.

I had bronchitis (my dad claims), slight asthma (the doc claims) and eczema, which was brought about by asthma, though I do not really see the relation between the two. Eczema is now part of my life. I suffer from bouts of it now and then. Sometimes the situation gets better, but you'd never know when will be the time the situation worsens again. It was traumatizing. In fact, it was painful. Especially during my primary 5 and primary 6 years. The pain is horrendous whenever I wake up in the morning. My limbs cannot bend. My bed will be stained with blood. I kept living in pain these two years. I was young then, I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that the itch was terrible and uncontrollable. The pain was worse. But the effect that it had on me psychologically was traumatizing.

I don't know how many close friends of mine know about it. But I know sometimes some concerned ones would go "what happened?" It's good enough though to have these sort of people around you. Yet, at times I get tired explaining stuff over and over again. Yeah, things are a little contradicting here. Then again, humans are contradicting anyway.

During secondary school, things were much better. But eczema plagued me again in JC. Not as serious this time. And I took some care to keep things under control. And as I enlisted into the army, my conditioned became a lot better.

I grew a lot physically and became stronger. By then, no one believed what I have been through. But as all wretched lives go, I had to come down with gum infection. Then later on bloody back problem. I cannot take this torture anymore. So tiring. So exhausting. I hope the end of all this will come soon enough and let me live my life without health worries.

I cannot guarantee what kind of health problems I am going to face in the future. But from the way this wretched life goes, I think I can basically figure I can make a choice of cancer of some sort, kidney failure or lung failure of some sort to end my life with. But of course I will not succumb that easily to fate. I will not let any of these diseases take my life.

I would beat any of these diseases in taking my life (At least, that's what I'm feeling now).

Someone kindly give me a decent and respectful cremation should they find me at the foot of a high rise building.

Thanks a lot.

---------------------------------

02:05
Saturday, January 08, 2005

____No, I Am Not As Think As You Drunk I Am...

Strangely, taking gulps of that alcoholic drink came too naturally to me this time. I even thirsted for more. And more. Even more strangely, even up till the point when I stopped, I was filled with somberness.

The bass throbbed. I could feel my heart beating along with the rhythmic thumps. Yet I was not carried away. I think it takes a lot for me to let lose now. To forget everything. To blur my vision. To release myself from constant conscious thoughts. How much does it take? To release - good or bad?

I got sick of the constant throbbing too soon. It was like somebody using a pickaxe, slowly but steadily grinding, hacking away at the stubborn concrete brain. The blade of the pickaxe crashed against the surface of the concrete brain. Friction caused sparks to fly. Sparks that flew in all directions. Rushing thoughts appearing and disappearing at will. Throb throb... Clang Clang! The pickaxe chipped a fragment of brain away. Underlying the resistant layer of concrete, blood gushed, goo spilled...

Was glad Chris decided to leave. As I stuttered out onto the street, the sudden silence was overwhelming. It was finally peace. My mind stopped flutterring. My vision finally blurred. The silence was addictive. I wanted more of it. But if it was addictive, it was also equally shortlived. Half-consciousness and moodless mood took over. Then a nauseating feeling.

If anything, clubbing is pretty addictive with funny climaxes and anti-climaxes of feelings. But no, it does not solve the problems. Nor does it take away the problems. And certainly does not cause one to forget their problems. I am somber enough to realise that I should be nicely tucked into bed. That is when discipline takes over. No clubbing for me. Thanks. I can live without it.

I feel hungry. I feel full. I'm not drunk but I feel like puking.

---------------------------------

01:05
Tuesday, January 04, 2005

____Discipline

One would assume that I, after 4 years in NPCC and 2 in the army, would have some control over my life...

I don't.

I need some. In fact, I need a lot.

I started my semester with intolerable lack of discipline. I skipped 2 lectures, which isn't healthy for a student. And I also played football - totally unhealthy considering the state of my body is in now.

At least I have gotten down to doing my first physics tutorial. Would have to carry on this run till the end of the semester.

I am typing incoherently now. I'm distracted.

Anyways, back to being disciplined. I am HANGING UP MY BOOTS FOR GOOD. Anyone who sees me playing football pretty please walk over and give me a cuff in my ear. I would say thank you very much. I might even treat you to lunch. Erm... I will treat you to lunch. JJ u do realise u have a special task. You are my roomie. If I ever sneak out for soccer. Please burn my bed. Thanks a lot.

I'll be seeing the doctor again. Then I'll get him to refer me to a specialist. That's what I'll do.

When I'm back, I'll be renewed. I will bring Hall One back the football trophy. That's what I'll do. My way of getting back and climbing up. Mark my words.

But first, DISCIPLINE.

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____T.A.G.B.O.A.R.D

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