____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

____How Wretched?

No. I'm not blaming anyone for the wretched life that I have.

How wretched?

Pretty Wretched.

Let me just forget all major and minor failings and incapabilities that I have accumulated over the years. Let me just start on what cannot be avoided.

Many tell me how they cannot match me for fitness. Yeah, I'm pretty glad but then I still maintain I am NOT the fittest, not even ranked among the "above average". On the other hand, I am pretty jealous of the healthy lives others have been living. Healthy meaning the absence of illnesses of sorts.

Could say I was born a sickly child. Then again, I only realised that fact that I was pretty different from all the other kids in school. "What?!", one might exclaim. But yes, pretty different. I realised that even though I enjoyed playing with the other kids, I was exempted from physical education lessons. For a good bit of my primary school life, I was sitting by the side, feeling ashamed for no particular reason, watching the other kids in envy as they race against each other and challenging themselves by playing various games that the teacher organised. In fact, I did not take PE for 5 out of 6 years in primary school.

I had bronchitis (my dad claims), slight asthma (the doc claims) and eczema, which was brought about by asthma, though I do not really see the relation between the two. Eczema is now part of my life. I suffer from bouts of it now and then. Sometimes the situation gets better, but you'd never know when will be the time the situation worsens again. It was traumatizing. In fact, it was painful. Especially during my primary 5 and primary 6 years. The pain is horrendous whenever I wake up in the morning. My limbs cannot bend. My bed will be stained with blood. I kept living in pain these two years. I was young then, I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that the itch was terrible and uncontrollable. The pain was worse. But the effect that it had on me psychologically was traumatizing.

I don't know how many close friends of mine know about it. But I know sometimes some concerned ones would go "what happened?" It's good enough though to have these sort of people around you. Yet, at times I get tired explaining stuff over and over again. Yeah, things are a little contradicting here. Then again, humans are contradicting anyway.

During secondary school, things were much better. But eczema plagued me again in JC. Not as serious this time. And I took some care to keep things under control. And as I enlisted into the army, my conditioned became a lot better.

I grew a lot physically and became stronger. By then, no one believed what I have been through. But as all wretched lives go, I had to come down with gum infection. Then later on bloody back problem. I cannot take this torture anymore. So tiring. So exhausting. I hope the end of all this will come soon enough and let me live my life without health worries.

I cannot guarantee what kind of health problems I am going to face in the future. But from the way this wretched life goes, I think I can basically figure I can make a choice of cancer of some sort, kidney failure or lung failure of some sort to end my life with. But of course I will not succumb that easily to fate. I will not let any of these diseases take my life.

I would beat any of these diseases in taking my life (At least, that's what I'm feeling now).

Someone kindly give me a decent and respectful cremation should they find me at the foot of a high rise building.

Thanks a lot.

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