____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

03:58
Saturday, August 27, 2005

____When The Limits Are Reached...

I sit here and contemplate sleeping. But upon reflection of the events of the past couple of days, I just cannot bring myself to do that. I just had to pen my thoughts down before everything becomes vague memory.

Terrible news struck when I heard of a friend from hall who chose death as a causatum to what appeared to be problems deemed unsolvable to him. Instant shock and disbelief took over as I tried to come to terms with the piece of information.

The passing of someone naturally creates sorrow amongst those around him with no regards to the closeness of the friendship, myself included. I do remember him as a friendly, helpful person who advised me on how to handle my recent ankle injury as well as also being a capable leader in terms of hall activities.

Intrigued by how the many close friends of his failed to notice and prevent the tragedy, I searched websites with regard to suicide and depression. I brought myself to a startling piece of statistic - It is estimated that 8-25 attempted suicides occur for every suicide completion. Many of these are never discovered, or never reported. It is important to understand that the majority of suicide attempts are expressions of extreme distress, not merely bids for attention (quoted from www.emedicine.com). It shocked me to realise the difficulty in identifying the symptoms of a depression.

Difficult because how do you judge an action as a symptom of depression or just a medium to seek attention? Just by looking at the nicks of all the people on my MSN list, I read stuff like "sigh", "alone in the world of my own", "tired" and many other negative nicknames. It is human nature to wallow in self pity? Is it a call for attention? Or should we identify it as a call for help?

Whatever the case is, I believe it is good to be on the safe side and sometimes just give someone a "hi, how are you?" when you have the slightest tinge of suspicion that this person might be going through a bad state of depression. Thus, I am thankful to those who have given me the encouragement and fight to go on during the bad patches that I have gone through.

While I am determined to make sure such a tragedy doesn't happen to the people around me again, I am equally inclined to hope and believe that Toon has finally found the peace that eluded him during his short short span in this world.

Find peace...

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15:22
Sunday, August 21, 2005

____Hall Lingo

It's been slightly more than a year since moving into Hall One, the place where there is a distinct culture on it's own. It is a community where people spend their activity-filled time together and thus one might garner lasting friendship/relationships. I use "might" because there is also a chance that after graduating from the school, the people will have lesser chance of meeting up again. All in all, Hall One is a place where people develop some sense of belonging towards.

One of the more interesting observations after my one-year stint in Hall is that how the people tend to "Hall Lingo" to communicate or even to subdue a moment of awkwardness. I've compiled some of the phrases used below (not much, but do hope it is some form of amusement to the others who do not live in a Hall).

bo jio - One of the most common phrases uttered along corridors when meeting some of the residents. Translated loosely, it means "didn't invite", normally used in the context of not inviting people for lunch, dinner or even an activity that is deemed fun, for example soccer.
An example of usage would be "Wah! Supper bo jio!!"

war - A short form for the game Warcraft that residents tend to refer to even though the actual game is called Dota.

hen li hai - A Chinese phrase that is to mean "very impressive". Often refered to in the context of sporting abilities, academic work, or gaming dexterity. Sometimes it is used with a tinge of sarcasm. An example of usage would be "Wah! Did you see Kokster Kim at the bball game? hen li hai!!"

xie xie - Thank you very much. It is said in a tone where most of the sound of the phrase comes through the nose. It gives me an impression of a little arrogance. An example of usage would be "Eh, I scored the winning goal ok? xie xie!"

stonetable - A noun refering to the tables situated strategically at the bottom of each block of rooms for the residents to gather or meet. It is sometimes refered to as an activity for the residents because it is the place where people meet to share secrets and gossips about the on-going events in Hall.

Come to think of it, I had a strange dream regarding stonetable last night. Think I haven't been sleeping enough.

Alright, there is a lot more but I can't afford the time to dig them up from my brain. Anyways it's time to go because I've got quizzes to study for.

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01:42
Saturday, August 13, 2005

____What Stories Do The Wrinkles On Grandma's Face Tell?

I'm home while the rest are enjoying themselves at the annual Hall Ball at Raffles Town Club (this place brings up the memories man...) Was actually urged and encouraged to go along and join the people (and to be truthful, it wasn't all that impossible), but I decided against it because really how much fun can one get with an ankle that hurts with every step he takes?

And so I left for home rather abruptly for I did not want them to urge me furthur. This time round, there was no car available and so I took the usual public transport back home. On my way home, I thought about how am I going to fight for my seat and not stand the whole way home. Now, don't jump to conclusions and start thinking that, "hey, here's another kiasu act from yet another Singaporean." I do admit that I am disgusted by the rushing during the boarding of trains but this time round, I'm sorry, I have an injured ankle and I badly needed a seat.

You see, sometimes things aren't that obvious and you cannot go around blaming people for not being more considerate. If you are 8 months into your pregnancy and you board the train, chances are someone would offer his/her seat to you. But if you have something like a swollen ankle or had a physically tiring day, nobody would know because you don't go around yelling "I'm so tired!!" right?

I had my own experience with my last ankle sprain (which wasn't that serious), but I had to stand my way from Boon Lay MRT to Outram Park MRT. These things are sort of like scars, they don't mean much to the person who sits beside you but each of these scars tell a story, a memory that is meant to be remembered for years to come - be it hurting yourself in football, suffering a cut from the rearsight of the rifle as you fell during training in the army or even a fight with some disease when young.

I can come up with another anology if you say you haven't had a major scar in your life. Look at your grandparents and sometimes you do wish that you understand their language a little more so that you can converse with them, ask them questions with regard to the really interesting stories during World War 2 that they will be able to tell. These stories comes with years of experience and I would like to link them to the wrinkles that they have. Wrinkles and scars do tell many stories yet people just take a look at these things and dismiss them as "part and parcel of life". Seriously, what do they know?!

So I hobbled my way into the train ungraciously and slumped myself (plus my large bag) on the first available seat. Ain't going to give up without a fight man...

Which brings me to another thing that I want to write about. My grandma's in the hospital for some time now, diagnosed with problems of all sorts. In fact, she's been in an out of the hospital for a while and although it is a common practice to keep positive and look on the bright sight, such things happen and you do tend to prepare yourself for the worst.

From the vague memories of my granny taking me to the market near my family's shop, I've always remembered the scenes when I could only look upwards and see her talking to the shopkeepers and vendors, possibly bargaining prices with regard to the goods that they have got to sell. And while she is a thrift old lady, she occasionally stops by the toy shops to check out the novelties that she could buy for my brother and I. I wasn't the incorrigible "I want this! And this!" kid, but it's always nice to have a treat or two whether if it's playing with toy swords or just a nibble at some biscuits.

She cooks the most delicious soup and always has something special for her grandchildren. Whenever we have dinner at her place, she would sometimes appear from the kitchen with Yakult and Coke that she stores in the fridge just for us. Mooncake Festival was fun too as she would buy candles and lanterns for all the children to play out in the car porch. Little acts like these will always be appreciated by all her grandchildren and we will always remember her fondly for being the almost perfect granny she is.

Some may think it's a bit early to write about all these but I beg to differ. Sometimes in life, gifts are granted to you and before you could cherish these gifts, they are taken away from you as quickly. After army, I try to spend more time at home now. Living at home is a lifestyle that I'm really quite contented with especially spending time with my parents.

Looking at how my dad aged too has got me thinking. The family business started from scratch and together with his brothers, they managed to make it into a decent one that is capable of supporting the families of 6 siblings. My mum tells me of my dad working since 15 years old, 6 days every week, each day from 6 am till night time 11pm. I am just astonished by the amount of commitment he puts in, amazed by the fervour and fighting spirit to provide the family with a life without financial difficulties. The absolute refusal to give up no matter how tough the times are has become an instinctive part of him and I am totally grateful for that.

Never in my life will I be able to repay the debt and gratitude I feel for these wonderful people involved in building the person that I am. I only know that for my dad, the only way for him to feel that it was worth all his effort is for me to keep fighting on to take another step furthur to a better lifestyle...

By the way, I wanted to say, Happy Birthday Dad on the 11 AUG...

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21:35
Sunday, August 07, 2005

____I Sprained My Ankle Again!!!!

This post was meant for last Thursday but somehow the stupid blogger.com refused to work on that day.

Finally I have some peace around, my mind have settled down somewhat and have accepted the fact that I’ve busted my ankle again. This time I realised that I have done much more damage to it as the pain was really unbearable. In fact, I feared the worst – that I have broken my ankle this time round. Yes, that serious.

Maybe I was asking for it, afterall there were signs that I shouldn’t have played on that fateful Tuesday. I have had my fair share of football on the two previous days on Sunday and Monday, and my quadriceps and hamstrings were really sore up till Tuesday. I thought I should do some tutorials also after the lecturer have gone through most of the content required to complete the assignment. I did not know what made me go on to play that day, but I just did.

There were no warning signs during the game itself though. I played my normal game and was having a good time. Even up till the point when Qibin put Kaile through down my left flank, I knew I could catch up with him. I even knew that Kaile would have tried a shot from that angle and I thought briefly to myself that even if he tried his shot, I would have blocked it.

Split seconds after my prediction, I was on the wrong end of the block. As expected, Kaile hit his shot hard. As expected, I managed to block it. What I didn’t predict was that my foot will twisted after the block and I landed on my twisted foot. “KRRAAACCK!”, went my ankle even though I tried my best not to land so heavily on it. A sharp, excruciating pain resonated around the epicentre of the damage. Moments later, I was on the ground writhing and tearing with pain, clutching my ankle and hating myself to the core.

It was a long long time since I cried but the pain, emotional damage was too much to withstand. I just came back from injuries and started playing with top players in my hall and I have to be out for another 2 months or so. I so freakin’ hate myself at that point that I just bawled at the prospect that I will never recover in time for IBG. It's such a waste because this time round my block is so confident to win and being part of the winning team comes naturally to any athlete.

Sigh. Bad things tend to happen to me. It’s not pessimistic for me to say that I really want to give everything up sometimes, because blow after blow, I really feel too frustrated and desperate to stand up and keep fighting fate.

And so I’m a pathetic figure now in hall and I cannot shake off that freakin’ “HAHA! YOU INJURY-PRONE LOSER!!” tag. But I have to thank many people who helped me in the aftermath of my accident.

Qingwei, Mingwei, Vynesh, Kaile, Shawn, Eric Chin, ChongYeow, Jinjie, Aloysius who casualty-evacuated me back to my room.
Junwei, Baka, Junjie, Shengwei, Mingwei who helped me do the first aid.
Chris, Seehiong, Junwei, who brought me to see the osteopath the next day.
Jyen, Shengwei, Tomio, Seehiong who helped me buy meals while I cannot walk.

Thanks a lot. I owe you guys a great deal.

The osteopath said I’m damn lucky not to suffer a broken ankle. Afterall, the swell was as large as a chicken egg, and that I actually injure the same right ankle again in such a short time span. But I damaged my ankle ligaments badly. Looks like I’ll never get to fulfill the potential that I have.

Now can somebody plan for me how to cope with the comments I’m going to get from my parents when I return home this weekend?
______________________________________________

And now I’m back again in hall after the weekend. My parents naturally were concerned over what happened and my chances of recovery. Comments such as quitting football kept popping up now and then. At the moment, I do not want to think about the problem yet, the most immediate thing for me is to recover, then decide whether should I carry on with this particular passion of my life.

I went to Tan Tock Seng Hospital today to get my ankle X-rayed. Good news is that my ankle is not broken. Bad news is that I still have to return to the hospital for another follow-up with the bone specialist.

Like I said, I'm back in hall now. Somehow I think I shouldn’t be here because I’m not even sure if I can make it to school tomorrow and then Tuesday would be National Day. Quite a stupid decision to return to hall.

I’m still a pathetic figure though, still needing the help of people around me. I want to recover!!

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