____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

02:12
Friday, May 26, 2006

____Monotony - A love/hate relationship

Was chatting with Marianne for a few nights and how I described my refusal to sleep. Siqiang says it's down to the fact that the subconcious mind telling me that it's the holidays and that nobody sleeps early during the hols. I beg to differ citing that it is this "waiting for something to happen" feeling that is bogging me every night before I finally am unable to muster strength to stay awake. Upon hearing such a ridiculous reason, Marianne offered to bring me to a doctor. A shrink to be more exact.

Tonight is another of those nights. Come to think of it, the holidays have moved quickly and now it has already been one month after my last paper. Thinking back, I don't really remember anything worth noting except maybe the nightcycle with my sec sch friends. And of course the interview with SSC. I am successful with the interview but I suppose it boils down to luck as I know I didn't really convince my future supervisor to pick me for the job.

So that's about it. One month of holidays. Spent in school doing EID. Sometimes EID is rather fun. Most times it's tiring, especially with my current sleeping condition. Basically, it's been monotonous. Football is boring now, even though I had a hell of a game couple of days back. Running in NTU at night isn't same too. It looks a lot more deserted now.

Monotony has been my life since don't know when. I wasn't allowed to run out and play at the playground as a kid. I didn't know what it's like to go out with friends till secondary school. I didn't know how I spent my days then. And even till JC, I didn't like going out. I think it is all due to this particular NPCC camp during sec 4 when I believed all of us had a lot of fun. In fact, too much fun, such that the day I returned home, I didn't know what to do. I remember spreading myself on the living room floor, staring blankly at the ceiling, floating in and out of conciousness.

I think I'm kind of afraid to have too much fun now. Fun is addicting. And not having it gives withdrawal symptoms. Then you start thinking too much. When it's time you grow up and work most of your days away, what will happen to the brain mentally?

I'm not saying having 'hair-raising' days isn't good. I long to have my own. But I'm like the Titanic now. Once a symbol of luxury when enjoyment is all that matter but now sunken into the depths of the ocean, unable to muster strength do sail the seas again.

My friends ask me what are my plans for this hols. It's always the same answer - training for IPPT, playing football, watching football, meeting up and having supper. Really a nice monotonous life. This summer holidays is slightly different though. No more 'kovan kids' gatherings at Flower Road. No more insightful discussions. No more morning swims, gym sessions and runs. No chance for a friday Catalans vs Khatib game. Even Champions League Final was spent in the monotony of hall.

I should have someone else plan my days such that I don't have a choice. Like those days during my time in SPT. Morning runs, Standard Obstacle Course, Combat Physical Fitness Test, Lifesaving 1/2/3, Rappelling.... At least, things are exciting in a monotonous way.

Monotony - my love /hate relationship doesn't end after this holidays. I don't think it will ever end. Like how Wilson puts it, "I'm killing time, and it is returning the favour - second by second, breath by breath..."

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23:01
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

____I may be wrong again but I never could be so wrong

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamt I really failed MP2008. Bloody hell. Yet I woke up without feeling a tinge of cold sweat. Something must be wrong.

I keep having flashbacks of images of night cycling 2006. I don't know why. The memories kept replaying in mind the whole day today. I think I have a reason to that but then again, something might be wrong.

I take a walk back to March/April 2003 - slightly more than 1 year serving the SAF. After about 4 - 5 yrs of wasted emotion, it was time I faced the hard reality. In fact, in December the previous year, there were already signs of what was to happen. It happened. There was nothing I could do. Nothing to turn to. Nothing except football.

I thought that was a pretty bad period in my life. Friends who knew about things to come kept the truth from me, just because they didn't want me to feel crap and stuff. But it felt bad all the same. Being the last to know everything. Feels like shit. Feels like I'm being joked around. Feels like being the freaking football that is kicked about and punished for no particular reason.

So I played football. I played hard. I took it out all on the ball. I remember the time when the Khatib Camp ball was so deflated, it looked pathetic. I played everyday. I wouldn't say I'm good but I was better than my campmates then (save Ronald Chai). I boasted when I won. I sulked when I lost. And even when I lost, I won because I kicked the bruises out of my campmates. I thought if anything, football is the source for happiness. I thought I'd never stop enjoying football. When the ball was at my feet, I was divinity in motion. I played with that annoying air of arrogance. I was a bastard.

Now, three years on. After realising the "Catalans", discovering the fun of Parry, 2 Interhall disappointments, 2 Interblock disappointments, 1 right knee tendonitis, a back injury, 2 major ankle sprains, getting myself kicked all over, returning the kicks to the others, taking the mickey out of defenses (as Wilson puts it), getting myself owned on the field, I'm finally tired. Exhausted. To hell with Joga Bonito. These days, I never fail to get angry when my team isn't playing well. Never.

I never realised I could be so wrong. Then, I kept insisting that football is happiness. Fact is, I don't feel joy of playing football anymore. Divinity in motion my foot. It's more like escapism of highest order. I realised I just want to win. I'm addicted to winning. And if I don't, I get angry. Frustrated. Sore loser. Bloody bastard.

Maybe that's the reason for the recurring images of nightcycling 2006 - it was dreamy-like happiness whilst seemingly going nowhere.

Now, I've come a full circle. I'm zombie-like. I'm enigamatic. I'm mysterious even to myself. I don't know what to do with a football at my feet anymore. Just like how I don't know what to do with people. Just like how I don't know what to do with my life.
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Oh, my Dahlia, I'm in the Rose Of Pain.

Please save me from this Rusty Nail that has Stabbed Me In The Back.

Blue Blood is dripping like Endless Rain.

Without You, I can't dry my Tears.

Free me from this Sadistic Desire.

Take the Phantom Of Guilt away.

Drain my Silent Jealousy.

Xcuse my Voiceless Screaming.

Sing me The Last Song.

Complete the Unfinished me.

Make me Alive again.

Tell me the Art Of Life...

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17:59
Tuesday, May 09, 2006

____What does it mean..

when the stars are there to see but aren't there to keep?

when there will come a time when we will have our last meal?

when we know we want to see so many things but all we take is a peep?

when it's not supposed to be but we can't help but feel?

when people celebrate our birth and lament our death, yet we're forgotten for centuries to come?

when we say time tells but know that it doesn't necessarily heal?

when our timelines meet and intersect only just but will soon diverge and come undone?

I wanna listen to Amethyst played.

On piano.

Live.

Again.

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11:31
Saturday, May 06, 2006

____Where We Are Headed To

My examinations have officially ended. But I just couldn't breathe the usual huge sigh of relief. The recollections kept whizzing by, the memories that will never be forgotten. It has been a week of mixed feelings. I couldn't help but felt that I was already thinking about how this semester's results would be the best in my 2 years in NTU. Plus, midweek came the good news of my shortlisting for the interview with Singapore Sports Council for industrial attachment. Then, everything came collapsing down after Wednesday, my Math paper. I got complacent, lazy and tired. By Thursday night, I was panicking for my last paper. And I think I blew it. What a cockster - I never learn from mistakes.
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Alright, I had wanted to write something about Singapore and everything couldn't have come at a better time with the elections going on. Be mindful, though, what triggered this thought about wanting to write about Singapore has nothing to do with the ongoing elections. It has more to do with one Sunday afternoon at the market in Hougang.

I was with my mum and we were buying stuff home. The market was packed! But what truly stood out was the fact that that place was an eyesore. Maybe it was an eyesore just to me. It wasn't what I'd like to see Singapore headed to. The people selling stuff and working there, did not look like they were enjoying life. The people going there for some market shopping did not look good too. If all these people suddenly turned into giant ants, I wouldn't be half surprised.
Hell, it shortly dawned upon me that, "damn, I'm one of them".

I have a vision. That everyone in this country is enjoying a really really high standard of living. Everyone - except those who refuse to put in effort in contributing to the society. They can live in ants' nest for all I care. But how high is high? Picture this, high enough not just material-wise high (it is possible for everyone to be financially secure), but also spiritually happy. I see myself finally able to stand at the balcony, glass of ice wine in hand, loved one by the side, cool breeze at night, Yoshiki's sensual music flowing like water into my ears, feeling a sense of pure inner peace.

I share this vision. I'm not selfish. I want a country of culture. Everyone should have the chance to drink that glass of ice wine. But I wonder sometimes, where do the rest see themselves in 10 years time? It is only when everyone aims for that one common vision and work towards it, then we will be able to achieve. I speak from experience. Look at my road relay team. Divided individuals - we didn't even compete in the last competition.

For that, we need a powerful leader. Somebody like Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Like Roy Keane/Sir Alex Ferguson to Manchester United. Not JJ Lin, not Singapore Idol, not Superstar, not Superband, not Jack Neo, not Miss Singapore Universe, not Mediacorp. We need someone who can show the lost souls of Singapore where to head next. The thing is I think I know where I want to head, but I'm not powerful enough to lead the rest there...

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