____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

____Monotony - A love/hate relationship

Was chatting with Marianne for a few nights and how I described my refusal to sleep. Siqiang says it's down to the fact that the subconcious mind telling me that it's the holidays and that nobody sleeps early during the hols. I beg to differ citing that it is this "waiting for something to happen" feeling that is bogging me every night before I finally am unable to muster strength to stay awake. Upon hearing such a ridiculous reason, Marianne offered to bring me to a doctor. A shrink to be more exact.

Tonight is another of those nights. Come to think of it, the holidays have moved quickly and now it has already been one month after my last paper. Thinking back, I don't really remember anything worth noting except maybe the nightcycle with my sec sch friends. And of course the interview with SSC. I am successful with the interview but I suppose it boils down to luck as I know I didn't really convince my future supervisor to pick me for the job.

So that's about it. One month of holidays. Spent in school doing EID. Sometimes EID is rather fun. Most times it's tiring, especially with my current sleeping condition. Basically, it's been monotonous. Football is boring now, even though I had a hell of a game couple of days back. Running in NTU at night isn't same too. It looks a lot more deserted now.

Monotony has been my life since don't know when. I wasn't allowed to run out and play at the playground as a kid. I didn't know what it's like to go out with friends till secondary school. I didn't know how I spent my days then. And even till JC, I didn't like going out. I think it is all due to this particular NPCC camp during sec 4 when I believed all of us had a lot of fun. In fact, too much fun, such that the day I returned home, I didn't know what to do. I remember spreading myself on the living room floor, staring blankly at the ceiling, floating in and out of conciousness.

I think I'm kind of afraid to have too much fun now. Fun is addicting. And not having it gives withdrawal symptoms. Then you start thinking too much. When it's time you grow up and work most of your days away, what will happen to the brain mentally?

I'm not saying having 'hair-raising' days isn't good. I long to have my own. But I'm like the Titanic now. Once a symbol of luxury when enjoyment is all that matter but now sunken into the depths of the ocean, unable to muster strength do sail the seas again.

My friends ask me what are my plans for this hols. It's always the same answer - training for IPPT, playing football, watching football, meeting up and having supper. Really a nice monotonous life. This summer holidays is slightly different though. No more 'kovan kids' gatherings at Flower Road. No more insightful discussions. No more morning swims, gym sessions and runs. No chance for a friday Catalans vs Khatib game. Even Champions League Final was spent in the monotony of hall.

I should have someone else plan my days such that I don't have a choice. Like those days during my time in SPT. Morning runs, Standard Obstacle Course, Combat Physical Fitness Test, Lifesaving 1/2/3, Rappelling.... At least, things are exciting in a monotonous way.

Monotony - my love /hate relationship doesn't end after this holidays. I don't think it will ever end. Like how Wilson puts it, "I'm killing time, and it is returning the favour - second by second, breath by breath..."

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