____T.H.E. .P.A.S.S.

To sum up the past semester, it sucks. The IA results did not come as expected and my second upper honours disappeared in a poof. It took about a quarter of the fight out of me to face the exams not to mention certain projects took nearly half of the fight from me. So when I was suddenly thrown into the midst of the examinations, I was left with a quarter of myself to tackle it.

Yet, I know all the above is just an excuse for the possible poor showing of results this semester, especially with regard to project work. Perhaps it is that indignant mindset, the fact that I cannot live having to do so much for others and yet seeing other reap the rewards from the efforts that I have put in. What is over is over though, just hope I do not have to regret that I spent to much time dwelling on that fact when my results are finally revealed. Thinking back, I really should have moved on faster and get on with facing the papers then.

So I am left hopefully with a second lower to fight for provided I do not accumulate any more "retakes" in my final year.

In a blink of an eye, Year 3 is over. And whilst I'm glad to witness Manchester United coming in first, catching many inspired matches with my cousins, in an exciting EPL season, 06-07 hasn't been all that lucky. On hindsight of recent events, the incident during CNY seems to tell of a bad omen. Even the holidays seem more of a bore and less satisfactory than ever especially knowing that maybe the work put in over the semester don't justify a holiday.

I need some aim this holiday. Waking up everyday only to have to wait for the next football game really sucks...

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22:46
Tuesday, May 01, 2007

____Goodbye And Forever Love...

For now I will try to live for you and for me...
I will try to live with love...
With dreams...
And forever... with tears...
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It has been slightly more than a week since the passing of my grandmother. I thought I'd never be able to get down to writing an entry dedicated to the strongest ever lady to mould the person that I have become, because I know that when I try to, I will breakdown into an inconsolable heap. Yet, now I sit here and I am able to type an entry feeling much more stable, albeit with a tinge of pity and regret.

Like I have mentioned in one of my previous entries, I will always be thankful for the fighting spirit of my grandmother and the strong sense of morality of my grandfather. I think these two personality attributes are the important factors to being a successful and true/real person. The term successful need not be further explained - everyone is moving in the direction of success, but in doing so, have they forgotten about "true"?

By being true, I do not mean being nice to the people around - it is that and more. It is about being a real person by speaking up about what is wrong, edifying the correct values/mentality/behavior and then have the conscience to tell oneself - "I live by what I teach".

In times of poverty, anyone can move in any direction. Some become petty things - calculative, sneering, and particular. They are proud and boastful about little successful things and keeps other not-so-nice things away from the scutiny of others. Some become criminals, theives, robbers, murderers... Some become bullies, looking down on others distastefully... Some become fighters and I am lucky I have fighters in my grandparents, uncles and Dad... From a sole bulb on wires, to chandeliers but they have never forgotten poverty.

I was attached to my grandmother. Walking the market at Boon Keng together, breakfasts on Sundays, buying milo and biscuits from the corner shop at Boon Keng, cycling around under her watchful eye, delicious soup, Yakult, sitting in Dad's car together with her, laughing at our inability to understand what each other's laughter is about... The impending arrival of the Mid-Autumn Festival would mean a new lantern for every grandchild of hers.

These memories kept replaying during the period of my examinations and throughout the tough period, it kept dawning upon me that every damn thing about being successful becomes trivial when compared to the importance of family love. Alas, even though I told myself to personally inform my grandparents everytime that I will be "going away" for exams for 1 month or so, I never did and that has become a big regret for I know that they always ask about how I am doing during a period of absence.

I believe everyone would have reflected on how they could have done better in certain areas to make grandma a little happier in her final years. Maybe we could have allowed her to enjoy the food she likes to eat a little more even though they were bad for health. Maybe we could have spent a little more time together. Maybe...

To my Dad and I, to know that her wish to return to China once more to visit her relatives before Chinese New Year this year is already heartwarming enough considering that she managed to do so even after previous medical incidences. Reading about her final moments - about tears at the corner of the eye - is still heartwrenching though as there is probably one particular unresolved issue. However, the timing of her passing is almost impeccable - lightening the load of my grandfather, after visiting her hometown again, knowing that her beloved daughter is doing well, knowing that her sons have all grown up, knowing that future generations do not have to suffer from being poor.

We all want to repay our grandparents'/parents' love. Sure, the demise of a loved senior is the most painful thing ever but in my opinion, we can never repay our seniors in the lifetime we shared together. Rather, I believe in continuity - I believe what our grandparents/parents want is for us to love to our future generations the way that they have loved us and that is more than enough.

Let me move on by bringing this fact with me. Let us not harp on the sadness and pain. Let us experience the life led to the fullest by my grandma... And may she be ever proud of her future descendants who carry the never-say-die spirit that she showed to everyone of us...

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